nothing important

daily journaling

2012-01-11T10:26:00.002-06:00

While reading the blog The Pioneer Woman today there was a post about writing a daily journal. I used to have a diary and would write on occasion however i was never good at keeping up with it on a daily or even weekly basis. Sometimes i'd pick my book up to write and i would notice it had either been many months or even up to a year since i wrote anything down. I have always enjoyed going back through my writings to see how i was feeling or what was going on which makes me wish i would write more often.

This year i want to write more.. and on The Pioneer Woman blog there was a post about 280daily.com
It's a journaling website but for you and you alone. no sharing to FB no ability for other people to read your writings. What i like the best about it is that the idea is to keep the writing short and sweet. 280 characters.
I can do that!

What is also nice is you can add a photo to your post.. so I give myself a second challenge.. Not only to write something every day about my day but to add a photo to each post. That photo can be a random photo of my dog or some building i think looked neat.. but it has to be from that day.

So.. write every day about my day, post a pic daily, and keep it up.

What will help.. they send emails every day to remind you to write! Cause this girl.. she will definitely need reminders..

Bonus.. in time through the site you have the option to purchase a book printed and delivered of your writings! Now that is neat! Something that you can share one day if you so choose..

ps.. the dictionary says that the word 'journaling'.. well isn't in fact a word.. but i'm using it anyway.

On hair

2012-01-05T18:25:00.001-06:00

So I'm at the salon sitting waiting for the color on my head to finish doing what it does.
I love coming to the salon. I like the smell and enjoy watching the ladies do their magic on peoples heads. Its fascinating and I'm a bit jealous.. I wish I could make hair look fantastic.

So as I sit here I also get a little sad. I see all these lovely people in here doing hair, getting their hair done and I sit here and wonder what it is like to not have a skin disorder on my scalp. It's tough.. a girls hair is a huge part of what makes her feel pretty or attractive. At least for me it is...

I see mine as this mess of hair with areas where it is so thin from where a lot of hair has fallen out. And damage from the medicated oils and shampoos I use. I want to love my hair again. I want to enjoy playing with different looks and styling my hair.

I recently came upon an old photo where I had my long hair. It looked healthy and even a bit thick.

I have very thin and fine hair which can make matters worse when my scalp gets bad.
I hope that some day this skin issue will just disappear and one day this feeling of not liking how I look because I hate my skin and I only see the flaws and problems fades away.
Some day I hope to feel pretty again.

a few random thoughts for the end of the year

2011-12-15T16:23:00.000-06:00

- i miss working in the same company/office as my big brother.
- it's been 10 years.. but i still miss my dad as much as i did 9 years ago.
- even though it seems rather impossible i do love my husband more every day.
- to steal a quote from my friend terra: i am thankful for friends that are family and family that are friends
- though the past couple months of this year have been both beautiful and painful, i come out of it with a smile and more hope and belief than years past.
- i like writing cryptic sentences..
- there were so many times i wanted to blog about something very specific that i was going through at that moment and didn't.. i wish i had.. maybe i still will.. new goal; Write More!
- i wish i could work part-time and then volunteer with animal rescue or animal shelters
- while i do like all the owl shirts and jewelry.. i'd prefer sloths
- i love my momma so much
- i hope to be a better friend in the new year
- being positive about life and work and friends has been hard the past few months.. going to strive to be more positive and supportive.. if i'm not please slap some sense into me!

to my friends that are my family and to my beautiful family that are my best friends
stay safe, wear your seatbelts, slow down and enjoy life and above all know this..

I love you all.

Here's to a better and "productive" new year!!!
(and by "productive" i mean babies.. and by babies i mean i want a baby! wish me luck ya'll, we need it!!)

dH Cakes

2011-10-21T09:24:00.003-05:00

i opened a tumblr account.. !
I will be posting pics and such about my baking over there.
There is a quick link at the top of my blog to take you there.

or.. just go here: dHCakes

you should eat this

2011-10-15T00:07:00.000-05:00

I made this soup:

Acorn Squash & Sweet Potato Soup

And so should you.. it was fantastic..

i made only a slight change..

Omit the 1 tablespoon of oil
Instead chop up a couple pieces of bacon.
Cook in pot.
Remove cooked bacon, drain on paper towels.
Then add onion and curry to the bacon grease and follow the rest of the directions.

After it was done I added a dollop of creme fraiche, a little extra salt and pepper and a small bit of the cooked bacon (which I crushed in my hand first)

Soooooo goooood!

Try it.. you won't be disappointed.
(or.. you know.. follow the recipe as it's written.. i'm sure it is delish even without bacon)

A little afternoon sun at work

2011-10-12T15:34:00.001-05:00

< demo > complete < /demo >

2011-10-02T23:48:00.000-05:00

we finished taking down the walls! demo is complete!

Here is eric preparing to take down the last of the remaining wall..

not exactly sure what we were listening to.. but apparently it had some awesome air guitar

As we were taking down the last bit we found another relic on the wall..

Perhaps this one isn't as old as the other... :)

Here we go!

And it's done!!

HI RUDY!

Now we need to do some electrical work as we need to add a couple of outlets.

I will also be calling about some windows for the room.

And then there is this...

Not sure what this is from.. but i will need to call a plumber to have them check it out and see if it can be cut and put back together below the floor.

after admiring our work.. if you stand in the corner by the two outside walls and look down it feels like you are standing on a floating floor..

Just a bit freaky....

maybe i'm weird.. but lathe & plaster can be pretty at times..

we got all this done on saturday.. sunday we worked on cleaning up the dust trail from carrying all the mess out of the house. It was such a beautiful day so we also spent some time with erics lovely mom and jerry and had funhouse pizza for dinner. This evening eric and I and all 5 of our pet kids climbed onto the couch and watched a couple of episodes of Dr. Who.. wish i had a picture of that. Eric, me, 2 dogs & 3 cats on the couch. This weekend was a success.

once we get more done on the room i'll give you an update!

now off to bed for me and the fam..

signing off.. -d

Annihilation

2011-09-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

We were in demo mode again tonight. However tonight we started on the real messy stuff.. Lathe & Plaster. Otherwise known as dusty.as.shit.and.a.pain.in.my.ass.

But i think it went well. It really isn't all that hard to take down and Eric can take down large sections of the walls really fast.. but i can't clean it up faster then he can take it down. So i gave up and left a mess for this weekend when we can bring the lawnmower with the trailer to haul down to the dumpster.

Some photos of the progress...

Assessing the job at hand.. otherwise known as taking a break

Eric Smash!

The mess

Where we left it for the night

rubble..

I mentioned in the last post about the ceiling being wallpapered.. but what i didn't mention was the weird placement of the light fixture in there..

Never mind the wires hanging from the ceiling.. i think that went to the motion sensors that used to be in the living room directly beneath the room. We didn't use them (we have cats and dogs) so we removed them from downstairs but never took the awkward wiring out from this room.

At this point i think i'm going to leave the ceiling in place and i might just leave the electrical in the ceiling where it is too. I have a chandelier i am putting in this room so i might just do the decorative chain/cord and hook in order to get the light in the middle of the room. Only time will tell.

We got the most part of 1 1/2 walls done. We should have the room completely gutted by this weekend!! And we can thank tonights fast work of ripping down the walls to THE ANNIHILATOR by Dead on Tools.

This tool is pretty awesome..
And it has a skull on it! So you know.. that makes it work better.

Your parting gift for this evening isn't a picture of one of my pets.. but of my fantastic face:

Hot!

meaning it's time to go take a Hot! shower and go the heck to bed.
over and out...

Demolition (wo)Man!

2011-09-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

Here we go again! Another project to add to the list..

Remember that front porch project?

You can read about it here: Day 1, Day 2, and Day 3.

umm.. yeah.. that still isn't done..

I never even wrote about the bathroom! Which we have mostly done but the front of the tub is still unfinished.. window needs to be painted, along with the shelving unit and doors. Not to mention we already have repairs that need to be done.. faucet needs replacing already and breaker blew on the light fixtures above the sink.. Oh Joy!

Anyway.. i can spend all day listing all the stuff that we have and have not started yet.. but i'm not going to as that makes my head and my wallet hurt.

What i do want to talk about is the little bedroom off the office. I call it the dressing room.

This room will become a very large closet! I'm super excited about it as we have a 4 bedroom house 1 1/2 bath, eat in kitchen, formal dining room (we use as a library), living room and entry way and 2... wait... lets do that again.. ONE.. TWO.. closets!!

One in the office which is for Erics stuff..

The other in the room we are currently using as our bedroom which we use for our clothes and other storage. I have a rubbermaid tub with my shoes in it.. not fun finding shoes when you are in a hurry which is me 99.999% of the time.

So we are now working on the Spare Oom.. (tell me you got that reference?) (wait.. who am i talking to.. does anyone read this blog?? ..... ..)

Isn't she lovely

a little passive agressive are we?

An old relic from the days when Eric's family lived here. His uncle wrote that on the wall.

Can you see the light? that is the front porch you can see through that hole.

So tonight we began working on it. I took one wall down to the studs and Eric removed the molding around the windows. The wall i worked on tonight was particle board which was easy to remove. The other three walls are lathe and plaster.. it's gonna get messy!

After looking at the windows once the molding was removed I think i'm going to look into vinyl windows. Yeah they won't match the rest of the house.. but i figure one room at a time is better than leaving these since i can't afford to do them all at once!

If you look closely at the window you can see the old pulley mechanism.

Isn't the wallpaper devine! What you probably can't tell by these photos is that the ceiling is papered also. We haven't decided if we are taking the ceiling down yet. only time will tell.

The list for tomorrow is removal of the trash we now have all over the floor.. or i should say.. figuring out how we are going to remove all this down our steep narrow stairs.

Fortunately we rented a dumpster for Erics rental 2 houses down so we have a place to put this trash but getting it there might be an adventure on it's own.

Then we work on the lathe & plaster walls!

I'll try and keep you posted on the progress!

On a side note.. I still need to write a post about T & B's wedding cake that i made! I'm pretty darn proud of myself for that one so i'll try and get something done soon.

Also.. apparently it's time to upgrade my flickr account to pro.. granted it's not really expensive but i was hoping to wait it out a bit longer.. no such luck.

One more pic for the road:

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl. She turned 12 today!

I think she's not interested...

losing hope

2011-07-27T09:52:00.000-05:00

i'm losing hope with this.

every time i turn around something else happens that makes me feel like i'm constantly walking backwards away from my goal.. not toward it.

insurance - won't pay
bad count - sad day
insurance - can't get what i need when i need it
dr. office - wrong info
dr. office - not enough info
myself - just not working right..

i'm beginning to wonder if all this misery is worth it.. the pain, the money, the crying, the constant 2 steps forward 15 steps backward. of course it will be if the goal is reached.. but there is no way to determine how long it will take. there is no mile markers to show i'm closer.. i'm in the dark and will continue to be until it just happens.. if it happens.

how much more can i take before i just throw my hands up and say screw it. i'm done.

today i'm just pissed and angry and wants to just be at home.

Go Big and Eat Doughnuts!

2011-06-15T23:45:00.000-05:00

You've heard the saying "Go big or go home".. well that seems to be my motto for a few things..
Well mostly tattoos and baking/cooking.. and now frying.

Recently my ~~good~~ ~~great~~ most wonderful friend Terra (she has a blog.. ahoy!.. i like her and i like her blog.. you should check it out) had a birthday. On this occasion a few of her close friends (what.. something like 20.. maybe 30 people.. maybe more.. she is a pretty awesome person to have that many close friends) threw her a birthday party. It was my job to make her birthday dessert. With a quick chat with our mutual friend Nick it was decided that doughnuts would be a fantastic idea....

.. well i've never made doughnuts before...

But I HAD recently seen a post by Joy the Baker about them.. and i figured sure.. why not give it a go.

Next was deciding on what flavors and how many to make..

I came up with 4 different flavors..
Cinnamon doughnuts with a dark chocolate and cinnamon frosting
Caramel with sea salt
Classic Glazed
and a Baked Strawberry Doughnut with a Strawberry icing.

It was decided to make 1 dozen of each.. easy right!.. right?

So off i went.. looked up all my ingredients.. purchased what i didn't have at home and me and my friend Shaun got to making doughnuts the night before the party!!

Make dough, let it rise, roll out dough, cut out doughnuts, let them rise, fry, glaze or ice, done!
Easypeasey!.. well it really isn't too hard other than all the space making 4 dozen doughnuts takes up and the frying.. and well if you read the directions all the way through before starting that is.. <-- that last bit is crucial!

Look at me! Making Doughnuts!

Me placing my freshly cut out doughnuts on my silpat lined baking sheet to rise...

or so i thought.. see here is where i made a crucial mistake.. If i had read the instructions fully.. I would have seen the part about placing the doughnuts on a lightly floured tray and to make sure i give the doughnuts plenty of space between each other cause they will spread when rising. oops
You will notice that the tray above is neither lightly floured nor are the doughnuts spaced out enough..
I made 3 dozen doughnuts, let them rise.. and then failed miserably at trying to remove them from the tray. They were completely stuck together and to the silpat. I got 1 dozen off and into the fryer.. thankfully there are no pictures of those.. they turned out completely flat.. like really tasty frisbees. I had to start over but it was so late in the night that i decided that i would make the dough and let it rise overnight in the fridge and start again in the morning.

The following morning i woke up bright and early thinking of the doughnuts.. must make doughnuts. I believe i was up around 7 and pulled the dough out of the fridge to warm up a bit and turn on the oven and got the oil warming up. I waited about an hour and a half before i started again.. very carefully cutting them out and placing them on a Lightly Floured baking tray letting them rise in a slightly warmed oven then my other ~~good~~ ~~great~~ wonderful friend Shaun showed back up at my house just in time to fry.

The next morning.. notice the now floured tray!

frying to a lovely golden brown

making the caramel sauce

The Cinnamon doughnuts with a dark chocolate & cinnamon frosting

The Caramel with Sea Salt..

You will notice they aren't perfect.. picking up soft dough is nearly impossible.

But the more i fried the better i got..

The beautiful.. and i must say my favorite doughnuts of them all..
Classic Glazed.. These were FANTASTIC.. if i do say so myself.

I don't have any pictures of the Strawberry doughnuts.. but the recipe that i used can be found at a lovely site called Salad-in-a-Jar. Just picture my doughnuts looking like those.. or close to it anyway.

All the doughnut holes we tossed in cinnamon and sugar and i packaged it all up in boxes.. which i couldn't resist stamping with an "H".. the initial of my last name. I think it turned out pretty awesome.

We ended up with 5 dozen doughnuts and LOTS of doughnut holes..

They were a hit at the party. I put a candle in one and presented it to Terra as we all sang happy birthday to her. Then i stood back and smiled as i saw everyone eating my doughnuts with big smiles and them all telling me how great they were.. It was totally worth it.. to stay up till the wee hours of the morning after messing up 3 batches of dough and then to get up early in the morning and try all over again. Great Success! I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.. but this time I will lightly flour all the trays!

I think Odin is upset he didn't get a doughnut..

Oh.. and a HUGE, GREAT BIG THANKS to Shaun. She was on icing/frosting duty and if it wasn't for her my kitchen would have been in ruins.. You are the best!

Day 3: Front Porch Project

2011-06-13T23:41:00.000-05:00

Well it has been a long time since we have been able to work on the Front Porch Project. Last time we worked on it was in November! Way too long!
You can see day 1 here and day 2 here.

Here it is almost 7 months later are we are only now just getting back to it. We have had many excuses to not be working on it.. I say excuses because it's mostly because we are lazy and haven't done it.. but other reasons include the weather and money.. but really.. we were just lazy. So now we are getting back to it and our goal is to have it done soon so that we can actually enjoy it this summer/fall. Let's hope we can pull it off!

So back to it.. This weekend we worked on fixing the roof line. It had fallen/sagged/drooped.. a few inches on the right side of the peak.
You can kind of see it here

Here it is from the outside

The roof line on the right side dropped about almost 4 inches..

Now i don't have any pictures of the process of jacking it back into place as it was a bit nerve-racking.

We used a 2x6 and a 2x4 screwed together to reach the top of the peak to about 5 inches above the floor. We then placed a car jack under the boards and slowly jacked up the roof line. Eric then secured the right side of the roof up with more screws and then i placed the 2x4 which you see below under the right side of the peak. We then released the jack and removed the long board and i then screwed in the new 2x4 to help hold the roof line up in place.

You can really see the difference in that last picture.

I had really hoped for rain on Sunday to see if we had any leaking. You would figure the one time I really want rain and it doesn't. A day or two before we had an 80% chance.. well.. i'll just have to wait.

We did buy some roofing caulk and as soon as I can I will climb up on the roof and put new caulking along the edge where the roof meets the house and hopefully seal it up real tight.

Next we need to bring in a header to go along the top of the brick wall and we are thinking we will add another board at the peak to make it a bit stronger. Then we will replace some of the joists and add a few more to support the new ceiling.

Previously:
$7 (spray paint)

adding:
$39 New battery for the cordless drill
$12 Caulking

Total: $58

Hopefully I'll have more to update you on sooner rather than later!

I'll leave you with a picture of my Poe dog.. he'll be turning 1 soon!!

it's June?!

2011-06-06T11:58:00.000-05:00

Dang.. June.. wow.. last post was January!? I'm a slacker.

haven't been out to my blog well.. since January.. and it looks so sad out here.. I think it is time for a change.

i think i have been pretty sad lately and i think my blog shows that.. :( but i'm working on that. It's hard sometimes to drag myself out of my dark hole of self pity.. but i think i have found my bliss.. i knew it a long time ago.. but recently it kinda hit me.. Baking! I love it.. i want to do it always. now if only i could make a living baking cakes, and pretty breads or frying donuts! I'll see what i can do about that, in the mean time, i will not make my blog seem so sad and dreary.. and i will write up some posts about my recent baking adventures!!

Stay tuned!

blogging.. for the sake of blogging?

2011-01-06T22:27:00.001-06:00

I wanted to write something. it's not much. but here goes..

things i want..
new phone
new clothes
new house
complete knowledge of/about my new job
energy/want to do house work
fingernail polish

things i need...
an understanding and thoughtful husband
a great set of friends
a roof over my head
my health
a loving & supportive family
food
a stable job
time to smile and laugh with my husband, friends & family
nieces & nephews that are cuter than bugs ears

things i have...
a absolutely wonderful husband
ability to learn and go to training for my new job which is stable
mostly healthy
the most amazing friends ever that come hang out with me and let me hang out with them and play silly games and watch silly movies and can laugh the night away with and will let me cry and lend me their shoulder when I need it
a home that while isn't a dream really isn't as bad as i can make it out to be
the ability to purchase the food that is needed and wanted at times
some of the best brothers and sister-in-laws and mothers and fathers and more than this girl could ask for
plenty of clothes while not new and shiny more than enough to get me through
the ability to have a nice phone while not the newest and the most fanciest it works and keeps me in touch with the people that I love
the funniest and most beautiful niece and nephew that make me gush with pride just when i hear them say my name.. can't wait to have a whole gaggle of them to make me laugh and gush with pride, for those are MY nieces and nephews!

So what do i not have...
the energy to do housework
fingernail polish

I think i'm doing pretty darn good!
Happy 2011
May you have what you need and see that you already have what you want.

all my love,
d

lost in a world of baby bumps

2010-12-11T22:43:00.000-06:00

It's so hard to see pregnant women right now. They are everywhere. My good friend Jen is pregnant... so freaking cute pregnant. While I'm so happy for all these women it also makes me frustrated and sometimes angry. Fortunately I'm no longer angry at pregnant women, as one time i used to be and would give them dirty looks, but now I'm just frustrated that I can't seem to join their club.

I find myself staring at young families and pregnant women. I just can't help myself.. but it always makes me sad. I was telling my husband today at lunch that I just wish the doctors would tell me that I won't ever be able to have a baby so that I can just move on out of this frustration of trying and constantly being upset at the end of every month. Least that way I would know what was going on and could then figure out what we needed to do next.. least I would have a direction instead of feeling like I'm out to sea with the wind blowing in all different directions and no way to control which way I am going.

This evening I got onto People.com to look around.. it's pretty much the only place I can stand to go to check out celebrity news. But I see these pictures of all these pregnant celebrities.. I see how they hold their bellies.. or the way their husbands look at them. I so want that.. I want my husband to place his big hand on my growing baby belly and just look at me with such great love and wonderment of the child if his that I am carrying. I'm actually quite terrified that that will never happen for me.

So far.. we are now closing in on 4 years of trying to get pregnant. When my last cycle started I just about lost it all.. I wanted to be done. I don't understand and was so completely ready to just let it all go.. wash my hands of it all. I really just hoped that I would at least get pregnant this year.. but that is now no longer feasible.

We have decided that in January that we will see about going to a specialist. The problem is that I'm not so sure we will be able to afford much of any help. We will have to see what insurance will help cover. But then I'm not even sure what kind of treatment they will want to put me on or if I'm even willing to go through with it.

I'll be 32 in one month.. i wanted to have 3 or 4 children.. now I'm afraid that i may not even have one.. and that my time is running out for me to have a large family.

I'm sad... if there was some magic pill that i can swallow would someone let me know? thanks..

a journey (on my head): days 3 & 4

2010-11-22T00:23:00.000-06:00

Sorry I didn't get to posting day 3 yesterday. We have had a busy weekend with work on the house.

So here is day 3 and 4 all in one post!

Day 3:
I can tell it's really starting to break up and the scabs are breaking loose from my scalp. I was able to comb quite a bit out of it however there is still quite a bit to go.

I've been wearing hats a lot lately because the meds are so oily so it looks as if I haven't washed my hair in weeks.. Kinda gross actually.
So here are the pics.

You can see all the little bits that are breaking up.

Still looks nasty and my hair is still mostly plastered to my scalp. Because it is breaking up and not quite so attached to my scalp it has been harder to put a comb through it. The pick/comb will end up under one of the scabs which is quite painful. Still been loosing quite a bit of hair but I still have high hopes!

Below are the scabs that seem to be the hardest to break up. I have large ones on each side of my head close to my temples.

Tonight we are going to make sure we soak them good with the overnight oil and hope that it helps break them up!

Day 4:
I let the overnight meds sit on my head a little bit longer than normal. Mostly because I'm lazy and I stayed in bed really late because I was tired and sore from working on the house on Saturday.
I finally got up around 11am and took a shower using the T/Sal shampoo and after put the other oil on my head. Gosh I hate that stuff.. again oily hair = gross. I miss being able to do my hair and not feel like I need to wear a hat to cover it up!

But later in the day I was feeling around and i could tell that those scabs by my temples had loosened up and were no longer attached to my scalp! Sweet!!

So early in the evening I took a fine tooth comb and starting removing the scabs that it would let me.
And you know what?....

I got almost every scab off my head!! Holy Cow! Check these pictures out!

You can still see flaking but that is just loose stuff in my hair that will wash out in the morning. I got all but maybe a few tiny bits off my scalp! I can comb my hair without it hurting or catching on something, and my hair is no longer plastered to my scalp from all the buildup! I can see where I had lost hair early on and new hair had tried to grow in but I just couldn't see it under the scaling! it's short but at least it there!

I'm super excited!

We will do another really light treatment of the oil tonight and I'll wash my hair with the medicated shampoo again in the morning. I will assess then if I'm going to put the other oil in my hair as I hate to use it and I have to go to work.. and it would be nice not to have to have gross oily hair.

I am super happy I finally got this taken care of! My Husband has been wonderful in helping me put all the meds on my scalp! Many mucho thanks!

Now it's all about prevention and growing my dang hair back!

More updates later!

Day 2: Front Porch Project

2010-11-21T19:26:00.002-06:00

So why is it that every time I want to start a "little" project.. where I think it I could get it done quickly it always ends up a "BIG" project and more time and money has to be spent? I blame Bob..

Bob is Eric's grandpa whose house we are living in now.

So this weekend we spent more time on the front porch project.
After looking at options for insulation and looking at the ceiling some more it was decided that the ceiling had to come down. So that was this weekends project. And whooboy it was a dirty one!

Remember the ceiling... ?

So much dust, dirt, debris and other stuff fell on our heads. We went through 4 or 5 face masks so we didn't breath in too much of that crap.

Husband working on removing the last board from the ceiling

This is how it turned out! Not too bad i suppose...

Then we started to survey the damage.

Ugg.. well this will obviously need to be replaced.. The cross beam is completely rotted and we will be putting a new one in.

old water damage

We found somethings nest.....

A nest.. fortunately already vacated.

The bone? we found in the nest! Looks like a rib bone.. of what I have no clue!

So things we will be working on next...

Replacing that rotted beam. Adding more as the beams are like 3 feet apart! So we will add more for the support of the new ceiling. Jacking up the roof.... So I don't have a picture and I will try to take one before we start working on it.. but the roof is sagging at the peak by 4 or 5 inches so we are going to jack it back up so it's level and add more supports so it doesn't start to sag again.
Then install the insulation and hang the new ceiling!

not much.. not much at all...

Hopefully the temperatures don't drop to much too soon so that we can get this work done before it gets too cold and before I need to paint.. but there are always space heaters!

Till next time!

Total: still only $7 but that is going to change pretty quickly!

a journey (on my head): day 2

2010-11-20T00:22:00.000-06:00

So today my head itched like crazy and it is flaking really bad.
So that is good news.. means it is working. I'm already seeing a lot of it breaking up! I am beginning to think that this WILL be cleared up by next Wednesday!
How awesome would that be to have all this cleared up by Thanksgiving. Now that is something I can be thankful for!

So I have some pictures. You can see that it is flaking quite a bit.

I won't bore you too much with this.. but here is a close up of my scalp today. Though it looks bad it is really breaking up and a lot of the scaling came out today. Though a lot of hair fell out today also.

I really hope in the next few days I have pictures that don't make me feel sick to my stomach.. cause these just look nasty. Aren't you happy I am so sharing!?...

Oh.. and here's Poe.. just can't stay out of anything.. even my blog.

Till tomorrow!

a journey (on my head)

2010-11-18T21:58:00.006-06:00

So I want to take you on a journey. Perhaps you will join me?

This is not a journey that will show you pretty places or things to do. Does not involve driving or walking for that matter.. Actually this is a journey about healing.

See.. ever since I was 22 I have been battling psoriasis on my scalp. This is a hereditary disorder of the immune system. My scalp essentially creates new skin cells faster then it sloughs them off. My understanding is that my body is creating new skin cells in 6 to 8 days vs the normal aprox. 30 days. (now don't take my word on that.. this is just from what i remember reading.. thought i suppose i should look it up.. but naah). Oh.. and it's not contagious. phew..

Over the years I have had this psoriasis come and go. I had an instance in my early twenties where i lost a lot of hair on the crown of my head because of the scaling from the disorder. I have used a lot of creams, pills, ointments, oils and shampoos. That is really the only way you can treat this problem. There is no cure.

Well recently my scalp has exploded again. It's almost as if i have a wide headband of psoriasis scaling across my head. I had been avoiding going to the doctor. Not sure why.. money was an excuse, I guess i also just thought it might go away if I use some special shampoo.. I think some of the stress in my life just got the better of me and i just didn't take care of the problem as soon as i should have. But I went to the dermatologist on Wednesday this week. He seems to think with proper treatment that it will be cleared up in a week. 1 Week People! I have been suffering with this for months and he says it will take 1 WEEK!.. Yes, I may feel silly at the end if it does only take a week but it is what it is. So If you would like to join me and you don't have a super weak stomach.. lets go!

This is me:

HI Guys!!

Right now because of the problem I always wear my hair pulled back into a tiny ponytail and a little head band to hold some of the shorter hair and to hide some of the scaling.

Hair up & Hair down

You might already be able to see some of the damage. I've lost a lot of hair so it's really hard to hide now.

More pictures:
You can see the scaling a bit and some of the hair loss. This stuff itches and is pretty uncomfortable.

The right side of my scalp. The hair can clump in the scales.

Top view.. I have lost quite a bit of hair.

A view from the back.

Happy girl i am not.. I miss my hair.

You may have noticed a bit of flaking in my hair. That is because on Wednesday night I started my treatment that the doctor gave me to get this cleared up. So all these pictures are after one treatment. He said 1 week.. so I'm going to try and chronicle the healing process.
I had to take the pictures tonight by myself as the husband was out slaying dragons or something like that. So hopefully the pictures will be better since I won't be trying to contort my arms in weird ways to take pictures of my own head.

Aaanyway.. I will take pictures and post them everyday right before the next treatment. So tomorrow evening I will post pics after two days of the treatment and so on.. Lets see if this will actually clear up in a week.

My arsenal:

Left to right: Neutrogena T/Sal Shampoo: have to wash my hair every morning with this leaving it on for 3 to 5 minutes. Fluocinolone blah blah and something else (I have no idea how to pronounce that stuff): is a oil drop i have to put on my scalp after i get out of the shower in the morning. Derma-Smooth/FS: Another oil i have to use on my scalp at night. I have to dampen my hair and scalp, put this stuff on it then cover with a shower cap and leave on over night.

It's not fun but I'm already seeing flaking so that means it is breaking up already after only one treatment.

Wish me luck..

Day 1: Front Porch Project

2010-11-14T20:42:00.012-06:00

I have been wanting to tackle the front porch for a long time and finally I decided it was time. I had been talking about it for the past week and this weekend it was decided to get it going. So I got myself and Eric out from in front of our computers and got us working.

We have a pretty decent front porch. The main draw back for me is that it is pink.. Yes you read that right, my front porch is painted PINK! ugg. I had bought some light gray paint last year and was planning on painting but that never happened so now that is the plan. Some clean up and some paint and viola! A pretty shiny area where we can have a sit and relax.....
Or so I thought.

Ever since we moved in the porch has been a catch all. For empty boxes from things we purchased, broken stuff, stuff we mean to get rid of, recycling and who knows what else. Essentially it was a disaster!

So first off I had to clear it all out. A few things were put away in the basement where they belonged in the first place but never made it but a few feet past the front door. A few more went to the attic. A lot was put out with the trash and I bundled up all the cardboard to take to recycling.. wherever that may be. (I'll look that up later) But we got it cleaned off.

Next was the ceiling. When we moved in a few years ago I had wanted to start working on the porch and we removed the gold shag carpet and the ceiling tiles. The ceiling titles are like the same material that is used in drop ceilings. They were all nailed to the ceiling and we pulled them down. But we never went back to remove all the nails. So that was next on the list.

After removing all the nails there was some crown molding that had to come down too because we are/maybe/who knows going to just put up some new stuff over the old since it is so damaged from when that roof leaked. (That leak was fortunately fixed before we moved in.. thank goodness). Once a new ceiling goes up we are just going to use the old crown molding.. least that is the idea. We'll see what happens.

While that doesn't seem like much for one day it was plenty for my back. Ugg..
However I think I will sleep well tonight.

The progress:

So much better!

Damaged ceiling:

Next: Eric wants to see about insulating above the ceiling. That means cutting a few areas out that are bad and some access holes and spraying insulation! Yay for warm porch! We will then be figuring out what we are going to put up over what remains of the old ragged ceiling and get it hung and painted! Likely some bead board or some kind of paneling.. Cheap is the motto here!

Can't wait!

So far: $7 for spray paint (I'll show you what that is for later!)
**I'm not including the cost of the paint that was purchased last year.

Total: $7 and a sore back!

Random number... 576

2010-10-27T16:09:00.002-05:00

I love my husband...
I love my dogs...
I love my cats...
I love my family...
I love my friends...

...

But right now I'd rather get in my car
drive all day and all night
till i come to the end of the world
sit and stare at the edge watching the sea and the wind
fight it out
drive up till i get to the top and watch the trees wave to the birds
and stay there forever

...

but...
I love my husband,
I love my dogs,
I love my cats,
I love my family,
I love my friends,

so I stay right here.

A very sweet Happy Birthday

2010-09-28T11:37:00.004-05:00

Today my Rudy turns 11! She is the sweetest and most bestest dog! I'm so glad of that day I was taken to a barn to see the litter of puppies that were out there. My sweet Rudy with only a little nub of a tail and as cute as could be. I love her ever so and am sad to think that my years left with her may only be a few though I hope for forever.

To anyone reading.. I know I just got a puppy.. though perhaps he chose me as he just showed up one day at my house... but I just want you to consider, if you are thinking of adopting a dog.. consider the seniors. Those poor sweet old dogs that have no homes and may spend the rest of their years in cages at a shelter.. consider taking them home. Those sweet old dogs still have a lot of love to give.

I also want to share this..

author unknown

Here in this house…
I will never know the loneliness I hear in the barks of the other dogs “out there”.
I can sleep soundly, assured that when I wake my world will not have changed.
I will never know hunger, or the fear of not knowing if I’ll eat.
I will not shiver in the cold, or grow weary from the heat.
I will feel the sun’s heat, and the rain’s coolness, and be allowed to smell all that can reach my nose.
My fur will shine, and never be dirty or matted.

Here in this house…
There will be an effort to communicate with me on my level.
I will be talked to and even if I don’t understand, I can enjoy the warmth of the words.
I will be given a name so that I may know who I am among many.
My name will be used in joy, and I will love the sound of it!

Here in this house…
I will never be a substitute for anything I am not.
I will never be used to improve people’s images of themselves.
I will be loved because of who I am, not someone’s idea of who I should be.
I will never suffer for someone’s anger,impatience, or stupidity.
I will be taught all the things I need to know to be loved by all.
If I do not learn my lessons well, my teachers will blame themselves, not me.

Here in this house…
I can trust the arms that hold, hands that touch…knowing that, no matter what they do, they do it for the good of me.
If I am ill, I will be doctored.
If scared, I will be calmed.
If sad, I will be cheered.
No matter what I look like, I will be considered beautiful and known to be of value.
I will never be cast out because I am too old, too ill, or too unruly, or not cute enough.
My life is a responsibility, and not an afterthought.
I will learn that my humans can almost, sometimes, be as kind and as fair as dogs.

Here in this house…
I will belong.
I will be home.

Happy Birthday Rudy! Here's to another 11 years!

8.16.10

2010-08-16T15:59:00.003-05:00

i'm miserable.. that is where i am today.. i find myself sitting at my desk opening and closing windows on my computer over and over.. i'm not real sure what to do with myself at this moment. i'm a little lost but holding on.. knowing i can get over this.. but it's hard. i'm trying.. bare with me..

an update..

2010-04-14T11:07:00.002-05:00

Note: I Do Not.. Repeat.. Do Not have 21-hydroxylase deficiency!

Thank Gah!

moving on to the next step.. hormone pills & blood tests! ooooohh fun!

& drinking all the water at work.. cause that seems to help some of the women around here!

New Music Tuesday

2010-03-31T00:14:00.002-05:00

I purchased some new music on Tuesday.

Volume Two by She & Him
Loved Volume One and loving Volume Two

&

The Fall by Norah Jones
I've been touch and go with Norah Jones but I like the sound on this album.

What have you been listening to lately?

happy-ness is...

2010-02-24T16:06:00.006-06:00

NEW COOKWARE!!

1. Le Creuset 9" Stoneware that also came with a nice petite square dish!
** I now have 3 Le Creuset stoneware pieces and I LOVE them!

2. Prep bowls by Food Network

3. Farberware 10" and 8" Affiniti skillets

4. Food Network 5qt Enamel coated Cast Iron Dutch Oven (can't find a picture of this online. but it's red and pretty and heavy!)

Just a few things that make me happy and want to cook..

recent google searches....

2010-02-24T11:01:00.004-06:00

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

Endocrinologist

Androgen's

Cortisol

21-hydroxylase deficiency

Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH)

Non-classical Adrenal Hyperplasia (NCAH)

-------------

This is my life right now. It's been confusing, maddening, scary, frustrating..

Nothing is yet confirmed.. we are in a holding pattern for a week or so.

these words just race through my head on a constant basis right now. If you see me staring at a wall wondering what I'm thinking, I am just running these words thorough my head over and over. they just won't leave me alone right now.

-------------

My husband probably won't be happy that I posted this but i needed to get it out. I needed to open it up to the universe so that I can hopefully let some of this frustration go.

Right now I am sitting at work reading the same website over and over.

I keep hoping this isn't something that I will have to take meds for the rest of my life for.. but that is a very real possibility.

I keep searching for homeopathic ways to treat.. came up with 0 so far. Not sure there is a way. I could just let it go but then the hopes of getting pregnant are slim to none.

This is where i'm at.. it sucks... and I wait.

a mess i don't know how to clean up..

2010-02-17T23:00:00.007-06:00

...then again i probably do.

ugg.. my life is a mess.. actually it's not my life so much as it is my house!! which then makes my life feel like a mess..

This place is a disaster. I'm really not sure what to do with it.

I want to simplify. I want to purge. I want to make this easier on myself. I want to walk into my house and feel relaxed not stressed about the mess.

I've been reading a couple of blogs lately about people simplifying their lives. out of necessity (saving money), out of just wanting to, out of the fact that they are about to embark on a year long journey in an RV. (now that really sounds fun) So they all have limited amounts of clothing and things. They choose the things that are necessary for day to day living and then a few things they just can't live without. all the other stuff .... they sell or give away.

To me that sounds liberating. just let a lot of it go. I want to do that! I don't know how to do that...

I don't think i could pair down my clothes to only one or two weeks worth. it would however make laundry easier. Eric and I did just go through all of our clothes and I now have 9 paper grocery bags of clothes sitting in my entry that we need to give away. I think all in all we did good there. but I still have a lot of clothes. Lets not even talk about shoes! Though i'm doing better. I did pair down because I found a laundry basket of shoes in the closet that I haven't even looked at for a year. I looked at them thinking.. oohh.. shoes... then said screw it.. and they are now in the pile to give away. I could probably even get rid of a few more... which i think i will probably do around summer.

we also recently went through all the books in the library. We pulled a lot that we don't want any more and we need to take them up to the half price book store and see how many they will take. The money we make off those will go toward a new mattress.

But it's really all the other stuff around the house... i look around and all i see is stuff i have to clean or dust. And if you know me.. i don't really do either of those things. ugg.. I don't mind cleaning but there is SO MUCH STUFF that I have to dust, vacuum, clean off, move and clean under.. blah.

I really want to just go room to room and just start tossing things. but i don't just want to toss them in the trash. though I'd do it just to get them out of my house!! But really... that isn't the best thing to do. But then I have all this crap sitting around my house in boxes, bags, piles that i need to give, sell, take somewhere.. and as I have mentioned before. LAZY...

Those bags of clothes.. they have already been there for almost a week. the books.. a couple of weeks. there is crap on the front porch that has been there for months that i need to give away.

a garage/yard sale is out of the questions (lazy). I have NO patients for them. Ebay.. yeah right. Eric is constantly talking about selling the crap we want to get rid of on ebay.. umm that was years ago. hasn't sold one thing on there yet! Actually have 3 boxes of Magic cards sitting right beside me now in the office that he needs to get rid of. ugg.. all that makes the dumpster look lovely. (but I won't do it)

Pairing down is such a hard thing to do for me with some things. I also think it is even harder for Eric. Though he is not as bad has his grandfather (thanks bob.. we still have some of your crap in our basement, and under the carport and floating around in our house) but he likes his stuff.

Another problem of ours.. mail.. oh the dreaded mail. if I ever don't make it into work someday it's probably because a pile of mail and papers of some sort have fallen on top of me an I am pinned under it.. probably dead by the shear mass of it all. I have gone to paperless billing on any of my bills that will let me.. so my contribution to this mess has dwindled.. but it still comes. and I try to throw things away.. it's the stuff we need to keep and organize that we have problems with. I probably already have a kid and just don't know it because it is shoved somewhere in one of the many stacks of papers we have around the house.

I have too much of everything.. to many dishes and silverware and tupperware.. it sure would make doing dishes easier if I didn't have all that crap! I would still definitely keep all my really nice stuff that I only get out on special occasions but really.. why do I need like 50 forks!!! that is insane! And because I hate doing dishes.. i will use ALL of them before I do dishes.. then it takes me a week to get caught up.. again INSANE!

simplify.. my home.. my life..

I really want to be able to buy the things I really like but not burden myself with the clutter. don't they always say less is more. everything in moderation..

granted I will never get rid of all my books.. i love books. I'd rather go down to 5... no 4.. maybe even 3 pairs of shoes before I got rid of my books.

I just need to figure out how i'm going to do it and how i'm going to convince my husband to go along with it when I say I want to get rid of the statues on top of the TV armoire. I think i will win on somethings.. and lose big time on others..

I want to try.. i need to. I need to lighten my load and my house. get my ass off the couch/computer chair and get to gettin.

wish me luck!

I cooked!

2010-02-15T23:48:00.005-06:00

Today I cooked! I haven't actually cooked for a while unless you call throwing a frozen pizza in the oven or a frozen burrito in the microwave. We haven't been eating out quite as often but still I haven't had the cooking bug. (i hate my kitchen.. but that's a story for another day)

So Eric and I had gone to one of our favorite restaurants, The Vineyards Restaurant, in Weston a few weeks ago and had this most wonderful appetizer that I still can't get over. It was a rice & sausage stuffed acorn squash. It was savory and sweet and absolutely to die for. The last time I ate there was this weekend for Valentines day.. and I exclaimed how I would totally make out with the cook (Love you Becky!!), the food is that good. I had duck for the first time and damn.. that is pretty much all i can say.. Oh-Ma-Gah! Go there, Eat! Anyway.. back to the acorn squash.

So I completely fell head over heals for this squash. So I talked to Becky/cook/co-owner/sweet friend about a few of the ingredients.. so I only remember a few but I had a basic idea because I really wanted to try and make it.. So tonight I winged it!

She used wild rice.. i used jasmine rice.
She used cranberry compote... i used crasins (dried cranberries) I'm lazy what can i say!
She also mentioned something about molasses.. i have that!
and maple syrup... i have some fat free stuff.. works for me but pure maple syrup is heaven but currently not in my pantry!
and sausage.. so I picked up some sage sausage.. thought it sounded good.

Here is an absolutely awful picture of my end result.

This is half of the squash as eric and i shared it for dinner..
It was GOOD! I did GOOD! Damn Look at me GO!!

So this is what I did.. and mind you I didn't measure anything..

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Cut a small portion of the bottom of the acorn off so that it stands up straight on a pan.
Cut the cap off the top of the squash(keep) and spoon out all the seeds and stuff.. (I had to make eric smell the inside of the squash.. i love freshly cut squash.. smells delish!) Set aside.
In skillet brown a small portion of sausage.. i think i used about 1/4lb.. I was only making one squash and there was enough stuffing for two.. like i said i didn't measure anything.
Remove sausage from skillet into a bowl.
In same skillet i added just a bit of chicken broth to deglaze (you can use white wine but i didn't have any on me)
Add diced onions.. about 1/4 c. or however much you want. Cook till softened.
Add a handful of crazins or however many you want.
Add a some chopped walnuts.. yummy
Add rice.. i had steamed 1 cup dry rice.. about 3 cups after cooked while i was browning the sausage. ADD IT!
Then I added rosemary, thyme, more sage.. cause you really can never have enough sage! salt and pepper.
THEN.. i drizzled some molasses on top and then some of the syrup.
Mix'er up!
This is when you taste away.. check it out.. i had to add a bit more syrup and some salt. you want to get the sweet and savory at just the right level. YUM.
Take off heat. Grab a pan to cook your squash on. put a piece of parchment down, so it's easy cleanup!
Set your pretty squash on tray and drop a dollop of butter in the bottom of that sucker.
Fill up that squash with your rice mixture. Don't stuff it in there though.. just fill'er up and place that cute little top back on. Don't go for perfection or anything.. a little extra won't kill anyone! my cap did not fit back on perfectly..
Stick it in the oven for about 45 minutes or until you can stick it with a fork and it goes in easily.
I checked at 45 minutes and it was ready to come out.. but i burnt my hand like an idiot so it cooked about 5 minutes longer because I had to stick my hand under cold running water for a minute... anyway!
I pulled the squash out.. and it smelled sooo good.

I cut it down the center and split it with my husb... but not before I heated up more of the left over rice mixture and added it on top! Also.. scrap all that squashy goodness out of the cap because YUM!

and enjoy!

I sure did!

(sorry i don't have more pictures.. i took that ugly one with my phone. plus i wasn't sure how this would turn out. when i make again i'll post better pictures!)

I am what I am...

2010-01-25T16:24:00.006-06:00

I was reading Jewel's blog today (yes the singer Jewel) and she writes a bit about what I have been thinking about a lot recently. She even wrote a song about it.. imagine that..

Basically she talks about how we view ourselves. How we are what we are and how we try so hard to be what we aren't because we don't think we are good enough, strong enough or beautiful enough.

This is something I fight with myself and my emotions a lot with. I believe I am getting better and trying hard to keep from thinking that I'm not smart or beautiful enough. But it is hard. I believe I have done well surrounding myself with people that love me for who I am. They believe I am smart and beautiful. It's me I have a problem with. This person inside that just can't see what they see. I don't think I'm an idiot or am ugly.. i just don't see myself where I want to be. I don't see what my friends and family see.

I tell myself that I want to be liked for "who I am".... but who am I when I don't relax and just let it be.. let myself relax and like the things I like and dislike the things I dislike? I think as I have gotten older it has become much easier for me to realize who I am and to start to like myself. To not avoid mirrors because I don't like what I see. Slowly but surely I am looking in the mirror and seeing less faults and a beautiful woman appear. Someone who IS strong and who IS smart. To realize that it is OK to not have an opinion on something and that doesn't mean I'm not smart. It just means I don't have an opinion. It's ok to not know the proper word to get what I want to say across.. I can laugh at myself more. I can ask questions when I don't understand and not feel like the stupid girl. I can wear clothes that don't cover my knees because I thought they were ugly. I am becoming more comfortable with me.

The song Jewel wrote has a lot of meaning for me. I want that to be something I strive for.. to understand that I am what I am.. It's ok to be me.. And to see that I am good enough, strong enough, & beautiful enough.. For ME! It is important to believe those things about yourself.

Here are the Lyrics to her song:

WHAT YOU ARE (Jewel and Dave Berg)

I’M DRIVING AROUND TOWN
KINDA BORED WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN
I SEE A GIRL ON A BUS STOP BENCH
DRESSED TO DRAW ATTENTION
HOPING EVERYONE WILL STARE
IF SHE DON’T STAND OUT
SHE THINKS SHE’LL DISAPPEAR
I WISH I COULD HOLD HER, TELL HER, SHOW HER
WHAT SHE WANTS IS ALREADY THERE

A STAR IS A STAR
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO TRY TO SHINE
WATER WILL FALL
A BIRD JUST KNOWS HOW TO FLY
YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL A FLOWER HOW TO BLOOM
OR LIGHT HOW TO FILL UP A ROOM
YOU ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE - IS BEAUTIFUL

I HEARD A STORY THE OTHER DAY
TOOK PLACE AT THE LOCAL V.A.
A FATHER TALKING TO HIS DYING SON
THIS WAS HIS CONVERSATION:
IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS
YOU CAN’T GO FIRST, I CAN'T HANDLE IT
THE BOY SAID DAD, NOW DON’T YOU CRY
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A CHILD WHAT YOU USED TO TELL ME
WHEN I’D ASK WHY, YOU’D SAY...

GRAVITY IS GRAVITY
IT DOESN’T TRY TO PULL YOU DOWN
A STONE IS STONE
IT CAN’T HELP BUT HOLD IT’S GROUND
THE WIND JUST BLOWS THOUGH YOU CANNOT SEE
IT’S EVERYWHERE JUST LIKE I WILL ALWAYS BE
ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE - IS STRONG ENOUGH

LOOK IN THE MIRROR
NOW THAT’S ANOTHER STORY TO TELL
I GIVE LOVE TO OTHERS
BUT I GIVE MYSELF HELL
I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF
IN EVERY SEED THERE’S A PERFECT PLAN
WHAT I HOPE TO BE I ALREADY AM

A FLOWER IS A FLOWER
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO TRY TO BLOOM
LIGHT IS LIGHT
IT JUST KNOWS HOW TO FILL A ROOM
DARK IS DARK
SO THE STARS HAVE A PLACE TO SHINE
THE TIDE GOES OUT
SO IT CAN COME BACK ANOTHER TIME
GOODBYE MAKES HELLO SO SWEET
AND LOVE IS LOVE SO THAT IT CAN TEACH US
THAT WE ALREADY ARE WHAT WE ARE
AND WHAT WE ARE - IS BEAUTIFUL
AND STRONG ENOUGH
AND GOOD ENOUGH
AND BRIGHT ENOUGH....

Ah Sheet

2010-01-19T22:34:00.003-06:00

So I am an idiot. Here it is 10:30 at night and I just put a load of laundry in the wash. But it wasn't just any laundry. It was the sheets off my bed. It was so far beyond time to wash them.. I know.. you all don't want to hear about my dirty sheets and how long they were on my bed before I washed them, but they are my favorite sheets. I do have another set of sheets but I don't love them. So now I will be up waiting for those to finish in the wash then have to sit and wait for them to dry. So I seriously don't see me going to bed till after midnight tonight. So what better time than to write!
(bad.. in the few sentences i have already written there are 4 that start with So... I so seriously have a problem... So.... )

I have been meaning to buy some new sheets for my bed since I don't like the other set that I have. The fitted sheet doesn't stay on the mattress.. and it drives me nuts! But if I was to be honest, my favorite sheets don't stay on the mattress either, but they stay on better!! My favorite sheets are the kind that are nice and crisp and cool when you get into bed. They aren't scratchy or too stretchy. I know that sounds weird.. but have you ever had a set of sheets that after one night they seem too big for the bed and every time you make your bed you have to pull them on all sides and practically tuck a ton of extra sheet that you have NO idea where it has come from back under the mattress??!! I don't like stretchy sheets. Those jersey sheets, don't like... flannel, don't like.. too stretchy. They may be warm in the winter but I hate to have to make a bed with those kind of sheets on them.

Now my husband would probably agree I am crazy when it comes to making the bed. The odd part about that is... I don't make the bed in the morning even when I can. Most of the time the husb is still sleeping so I can't, but on those odd mornings when we get up around the same time I don't care so much about making the bed. I make the bed right before I get into it at night. I have to straighten everything about the bed. I can't sleep if there is a wrinkle in my bed. The husb comes in and will lie down and I throw a fit because I haven't made the bed yet. Seriously!!! How can you sleep in a bed that has wrinkles and the blanket on top is longer on one side than the other.. and really.. the edge of that fitted sheet isn't over the entire mattress corner! I will start to twitch when I can't make the bed before I get in. I will let the husb help me make the bed at night but it will result with me sighing a lot and pointing to the small wave that is still in the sheet that he hasn't pulled tight. Or how he hasn't pulled the top of the blanket up far enough or has pulled it up too far. It's a problem I know... He should know how to do it by now!! I've also showed him how to tuck in the corners on the top sheet so that it is nice and neat (thanks mom, that was all you! She even showed me how to properly fold a fitted sheet. I'm a pro!)

So I need to go buy a new set of sheets. I really think a person should have two sets of sheets for their bed. One just isn't enough.. or you end up like me waiting for your sheets to finish in the wash late at night (current time: 10:54 pm) so you can stay up even later and wait for them to dry. If you have a second set you can rip those nasty, stinky set of sheets off and just throw on a clean set and can be in bed reading the book you need to finish before your next book club by 10:30.. or heck even earlier.. or not. But to have more than 2 sets of sheets for one bed.. don't you think that is overkill? I would end up having 5 sets of sheets to wash because why wash that one you just took off if you have 4 more sets clean in the closet!? Now that would be a nightmare! I have a hard time getting off my lazy ass as it is to wash my clothes let alone 4 sets of dirty sheets! They would probably engulf me and my husband would have to live the rest of his life alone without a wife because she drowned in the sea of sheets in the basement. Poor guy.

ohh.. i think the washer is done.. off to put them in the dryer. mmm.... fresh sheets tonight. Even though it will be late, slipping into those will be heaven, too bad my man isn't home to share it with me tonight.

writing..

2010-01-19T14:07:00.003-06:00

Is actually going to start writing again.. about what? I'm not sure.. but I am going to start.

but don't hold your breath.. It could be a day or so before I get something posted and I'd rather not have any of you pass out on me before you get to see my seriously non-interesting posts about pretty much nothing!

Can't wait!!

Love this..

2009-10-01T15:53:00.002-05:00

Found a new blog today to read. Missed Connections NY.

I love the artwork.. I love the whimsicalness of the paintings..

Yogurt... bust.

2009-08-26T08:46:00.006-05:00

So recently I went to Whole Foods to buy a few groceries. I saw this yogurt and loved the design of the label and thought I'd give it a try. I really like the consistency. Its very thick like a custard and it is very pretty. You can see the specks of the vanilla bean and can smell the vanilla also. However this yogurt is too bitter for me. I'm kinda sad that it was a bust. It's so pretty and I wanted to like it so much. I might try one of their fruit yogurts in hopes it is sweeter. I think I'm going to keep the label.

a new journey? Maybe.. but then again maybe not

2009-08-12T11:23:00.004-05:00

{time for a little venting}

ugg..

It's such a life change.. Do you want to just let it happen? But we have been just letting it happen for two and a half years. It should have happened by now right? Least that is what I think.

But it's scary when it's forced. Then we are forcing the life change. I'm not sure I'm ok with that. But shouldn't I find out if something is wrong? Perhaps...

It's one thing if it just happens and you go "oops! Looks like things are going to be different from now on". It's a whole other to feel the pressure and the larger emotional roller coasters should you force it. It just doesn't feel right to "make" it happen.

But everyone keeps mentioning it. "Why don't you just go?", "Do you want it?" (duh), "Hurry up! Pop one out!!"..

Enough all ready people.. it's like you don't realize how much it already bothers me and you just keep mentioning it. This is a huge decision.. especially if there is going to be doctors, needles and lots of money that I don't have and shit. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to force it yet.

Give it time.. it will come and I will go when I'm ready.

blogging just to blog

2009-07-14T16:18:00.004-05:00

I haven't written for a while. Suppose I just didn't think there was much to write about. Or that what has been on my mind isn't worth writing about or probably shouldn't be written here.

Something I probably should have blogged about.. I GOT MARRIED... sheesh. I got married and didn't even write about it. As it is, anyone who actually would take the time to read this already knows that I got married. For anyone that cares.. I got married on May 22, 2009. There.. I blogged about getting married. Consider this done.

So today.. the thing I have been thinking about is weird. Do you ever wish you had a life soundtrack? You know.. kinda like when you watch a movie and when the people are moving through the mundane parts of their day they have a song playing while there is no dialog. So on those days when I am sitting at my desk, or driving my car, or when I'm cleaning the litter boxes and I'm just alone and thinking.. i would like to have music playing in my head. Almost as if I had earbuds in and was listening to my iPod however the song would fit the time of my life and what was going on at the moment and my mood.. no one else could hear it.. just in my head.. no earbuds necessary. Unless of course I was in a conversation and it would fade into the background and I either couldn't hear it or it was extremely faint because HOW annoying would that be!

anyway.. that's where I'm at today. Oh.. and I'm thinking about trying to learn the guitar.

Whaddya think?

Mothers day cake

2009-05-11T20:27:00.002-05:00

I like to bake.. and this is my favorite cake to bake.. and it is probably one of the best looking ones I've made to date.. shame I didn't get a picture of it after it was cut.. but alas.. the cake is gone.

The Storms..

2009-04-27T09:08:00.001-05:00

Do you like the rain? It's been raining and I love it when the rain stops for a moment and the sun is shining through the gray clouds and the yellows and greens become more vivid. The grass and trees are so beautiful right now. Flowers are starting to bloom and the land is starting to become more peaceful after the hard cold winters. I can smell the rain, it is like a potion.. It takes me back to long summers at the lake.. taking walks in open fields.. and exploring in the woods. I do miss those days but the smell of the rain takes me back. Back to days that were easier.. back when life seemed so much sweeter. I miss the country.. I miss the peace that it would bring to me. I loved the way it smelled and sounded.. I can only hope that I will occasionally be blessed with days where I can get a glimpse back to the life where I had no worries. I hope that someday I will be able to go back.. back to a land where I feel at peace with me and with the world. To a day when I can step out into the grass.. hand and hand with the man I love... we lift our faces to the sun and just soak it in..

lunch has become a chore..

2009-04-01T12:58:00.003-05:00

Today I had to figure out what to eat based on these criteria:

1. not messy (no sauces or gravy's that would drip and/or cause my hands to become sticky or dirty)

2. Something that can be eaten with one hand as the other hand is too busy to eat.

3. Something with a fork.. forks are our best friends as we don't like messes (see #1)

4. All in one.. not something that has multiple parts. So soup and salad is OUT!

What did I decide on?!!

Chipotle Burrito Bowl! Easy.. no sauces.. Fork!.. All in one!!

One hand can now shovel food into my face and the other can happily work!

Sundays are best when..

2009-03-29T22:53:00.002-05:00

After a long day of work I am taken to Sheridan's for a strawberry concrete... That was muchly needed.

Another sunday favorite.. fresh sheets on the bed.

A week where I have probably worked over 80 hours deserves a strawberry concrete and fresh clean sheets right? I think so.. and if you don't.. then picture me giving you the finger and curling up in my fresh sheets for a lovely nights rest.

(I'd add pictures however right now I cannot get pictures off my camera because the mans computer has a bad temper.. maybe I should fix the problem like they do on the Russian Space Station... just a thought)

U@50

2009-02-13T13:09:00.003-06:00

Today I received an email from a friend with a link to a video called Lost Generation. This is the second place winner of a contest held by AARP (American Association of Retired People) called U@50.

This video was submited by a young woman of 20 years.

As I watched this video all I could do is sigh because it all seemed so true. Then things changed... and it brought tears to my eyes. I do believe this is beautiful. I hope you do too.

This Chair

2009-02-09T13:27:00.003-06:00

This chair hurts my back. I think it is also a strain on my soul. Day in and day out I sit in this chair. Very often when I sit in this chair I do nothing that is really meaningful to anyone, especially myself. Why is it that I then have to sit in this chair. This chair that hurts my back and drains the life from my face. I sit here and wonder what I could be doing. I could be walking my dog and watching her enjoy the new smells of the grass up the street. I could be standing in the kitchen of a friends drinking wine and making dinner and enjoying a good laugh. Everyone needs a good laugh and good friends and good wine. Right? I could be kneeling in the dirt watching the fruits grow from my black earth. I could be laying in a hammock enjoying the smells that the breeze brings me and reading a good book. But I sit and sit and sit.. sitting, sitting, sitting. This chair holds me hostage even though I'm not tethered to it. But day in and day out I find myself stuck to this chair and no idea how to get out of it. Always so afraid of what would happen if I walked away. I stare into the blank stares of my friends that glow back at me from my only window to the outside that is powered by the clicking of my fingers. This chair has seen me through a lot and though I feel so close and I hold onto it thinking my life would end should I let go, I so dearly wish to let go. Let me shed my tears in the real sunlight instead of behind a window that I can never open and feel a breeze through. Let my laughs ring out across the land instead of an echo-less three letter word; lol..... Again I sit... and stare. The sun, the trees, the breeze, the rain, they all are calling my name to join them. Maybe someday I will let go. Till then, I will keep this chair company.

Raytown

2009-01-23T10:21:00.005-06:00

Today I miss my house in Raytown. I was looking at pictures today and ran across a picture I took of Eric sitting on the couch when we lived there. I miss the light that came into the house. It was always very light in there during the day. I also miss the smallness of the place. As much as I bitched about not having enough space I kinda miss it. I miss the closeness of it all. It was harder for two people to be so separated by the things that they are doing because they were only one room away instead of upstairs and down the hall. Now when I try to find Eric I have to walk through the house calling his name upstairs and down. I feel so separated by it all. Our current house isn't huge but it is much bigger and sometimes he feels miles away.

So my opinion of it.. bigger isn't better when it comes to homes. Love your small hallways that make you connect with your loved one as you pass them. Love your small kitchens and how quickly it is to clean it up and the constant "bumping" into your spouse or kids when you both are in there. Love your small homes while they are yours. Cherish those memories and those connections.

On the other hand.. Yards are always better bigger! The bigger the better!

Daydreaming

2009-01-21T18:44:00.004-06:00

Today I've been listening to some lovely music mostly consisting of Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong. I sit here at work and dream of where I would like to be right now.....

In a dark and smokey lounge with a band playing the music of Ella and Louis and other music of that era. A dark booth in the corner close to the band and obscured from most of the other patrons. A good bottle of wine and intimate conversation with a handsome man. While I enjoy sitting and listening to the music the thing I love the most is dancing. Dancing so close that you can't tell where one person stops and the other begins. Slow and without care. Feeling as if we are the only people in the room. My head resting in the crook of his neck. Taking in the smell of each others skin. Relaxing in each others arms letting the stress melt away.

That is were I am today.. where my dreams have taken me.

should be sleeping

2009-01-19T22:28:00.003-06:00

It is the end of a 3 day weekend. This weekend was pretty great and completely unexpected. Friday we did a little shopping at Lowe's for a ceiling fan and an electric radiator. That evening we stayed in and just took it easy. Which was probably the best thing we could have done considering what the next two days brought us. Saturday I hooked up with a friend I haven't seen for far too long. We met up for breakfast at Atlanta Bread Co and chatted for a couple of hours. Another friend showed up toward the end of breakfast that I hadn't seen for awhile also. Celia & Christina.. It was good to see you again! Looking forward to more breakfasts! I went home after breakfast and Eric had gone out to a friends house for a few hours so to kill time I set out to install our new ceiling fan in the bedroom. I had to pat myself on the back for getting it up with no problems. I'd post a picture but I don't want to inflict the pain which is the crazy wallpaper on my bedroom ceiling upon you. After Eric got home we decided to go out. We decided upon O'Malley's. We normally don't go up to Weston on Friday or Saturdays but we thought what the heck. I looked up the band that was playing and they sounded pretty cool.. so we set out for Weston, MO. We got there and it was PACKED! Eric managed to find a table with a group of people that so kindly shared with us and we sat back and enjoyed the musical styling of Connacht Town. While there we ran into Wendy who we had met I believe on St Patrick's day up in Weston earlier last year. Of course I couldn't remember her name correctly and we called her Mindy.. but hey.. they sound alike! Anyway toward the end of the night Wendy came and sat with us and we had a blast. Met a few members of the band which by the way was amazing and I will see them play again! The lovely Wendy then introduced me to a shot called Irish Blow Job. So I proceeded to get drunk! I had a blast. As we were leaving Mike (one of the owners of O'Malley's) and Wendy asked us back on Sunday.. and we said Sure!! Why Not!! (first mistake). Sunday came and we went back up to Weston and we met up with Wendy again and I then had 3 1/2 pints of Magnars Cider, 2 Irish Blow Jobs, and 1 Irish Car Bomb.. I was wasted and we had a blast. I got so drunk I wasn't sure if I'd make it home without losing all the contents in my stomach.. We said our goodbyes and poor Eric had to drive a whiny drunk me home.. I always seem to remember how much fun it is to get drunk but never remember early enough how much it sucks to be so damn drunk and the pain it inflicts later.. It was amazingly awful. I did make it home and through the rest of the night without losing it. I had such a good time and hope Wendy considers us friends.. as we do her. So now it is Monday and Eric and I woke up feeling like crap but not really hungover. I was smart enough to take some Advil before I went to bed. We went out for breakfast and then got some more shopping done today and some laundry. I should have gotten more things done around the house this weekend but there is always tomorrow. So now I am sitting in bed and Eric is at work. Finally time to call the weekend over. I'm off to sleep now and hope I can get to sleep quickly and sleep soundly so that I can get up and go to work tomorrow and be productive. To Wendy, I'm glad we got to hang out and I hope we get together again soon and maybe have a couple of Irish Blow Jobs again!; Celia, it was good to catch up, till next month; Mike, I'm glad you got to see me! Ha!; Lauren, Coy, Justin & Jodie.. Thanks for sharing the table and all the laughs at O'Malley's; Eric, I always enjoy spending time with you and I already miss you and it's only Monday..... And Goodnight.

interesting links

2009-01-14T22:16:00.004-06:00

This is an adorable baby.. http://www.flickr.com/photos/66695602@N00/3155909872/

Love this! http://www.tinyliving.com/store/product/1241/tiny-spork/

train of thought..

2009-01-07T21:16:00.003-06:00

Sitting in bed.. listening to a bunch of lovely ladies singing songs that I wish I could write.
What could I write about 2008.. hmm.. not a whole lot. But it wasn't a bad year.. became an aunt for the second time.. she is so lovely.. got engaged.. love that man so so very much.. found some great music... still can't stop listening to kate nash... also found sia.. very nice another aussie.. i wish I could write such pretty things... makes me miss playing an instrument but I don't have time for that right now.. don't feel like i have time for much of anything.. little brother got engaged.. crazy... little brother getting married.. trying to plan my wedding.. not getting much done.. need more money and need it faster than it is showing up.. hoping work stress is less this new year.. last year work stress was pretty bad.. cried a lot about work.. skin problem on scalp very bad currently... missing my hair.. hope it comes back soon.. no babies for me yet.. still trying still hoping.. found Lenka also.. lovely singer sounds so upbeat in all her songs.. so lovely.. wish I could paint.. again no time... felt lonely a lot this past year... lost two furry kids.. still miss them so much.. they were with me for too short of time.. want a puppy but decided it wasn't time.. still miss dad.. realizing that a 30 year old woman still needs her father.. nothing fixes things like hugs from dad.. realize how much I look like my mother.. kinda crazy... but a good thing.. love her.. love my crazy family.. want more nieces and nephews.. wish I had more time with them.. wish they had everything they needed with less stress.. wish I could cook without having to clean dishes... wish I didn't have to clean at all.. but that isn't happening anytime soon.. so many projects so little time so not enough money.. got a knitting project started.. might actually finish this new scarf by the time winter is over.. love my dog and love my cats.. life would suck without furry creatures to cuddle with.... realize every day how much more I love eric.. I wish I could find a word that actually explained how much I loved eric... reminds me of some of my favorite lyrics from a kate nash song... `Well the stars up in the sky and the leaves in the tree All the broken bits that make you trip up and the grassy bits inbetween All the matter in the world, that’s how much I like you’... so lovely.. think it's time to finish this up as i'm a girl and this could go on forever.. finally.. I got some pictures off my camera.. here are the pictures from the trip to Eureka Springs.. love you all.. and wishing you the best 2009.

randomness

2008-12-23T12:55:00.005-06:00

Check out this little girl!!! So Freaking Cute!!!

Tash.. Jas.. you guys make some beautiful babies!

So I posted about music recently.. thanks for everyone that has given me some suggestions.. I am checking them all out and we'll see how many albums I end up buying on iTunes. Michelle.. Thanks for the invite to Pandora. I really like it! I've been listening to it all day today and have found an artist I really like. Kate Nash.. beautiful songs, beautiful voice!

It's a couple of days away from Christmas.. so to you all that celebrate it! Merry Christmas.. and to you that don't. Merry Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Birthday to Mithra and what ever else is out there!

tortured

2008-12-23T08:45:00.000-06:00

It's December. Kinda hard to believe that the year is almost over. Right about a year ago Eric and I decided that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. I had actually gone off birth control in March of '07 however we weren't actually trying at the time. I went off because I don't like being on the hormones. They are real rough on my body and I get infections and cause other physical pain that was pretty uncomfortable. So I quit taking birth control secretly hoping I would get pregnant quickly and easily. Then at the end of December very early January I was talking to Eric and we decided that we would actually start paying attention to everything. If you don't know what I mean by "everything" then too bad.. I'm not telling. So I started writing things down and paying attention to my body more.
That was such an emotional time for me. I would break down and cry every time my period started. It was so emotionally draining. Finally around June I was so emotionally drained by worrying about trying to get pregnant I decided to relax and be ok with not getting pregnant. I knew it wasn't good for me to be so stressed out about it all. I started going out with friends more and so long as my period started on time I was fine and I just moved on. I even gave up trying all together for a couple of months. I just needed to give myself a break. I just quit thinking about it. But as the year has passed and I inch to becoming 30 all the feeling of wanting to have a child came flooding back. It didn't help matters with my brother and his wife had their second child in October.
I hadn't been to the gynaecologist for 2 years and I finally went back. I needed to get my standard checkup and discuss with the doctor that we had been off birth control for 18 months and have had no luck getting pregnant. Fortunately my checkup went well and everything looks good. The doctor wants me to take ovulation tests for two months to be sure I am ovulating. If we don't get pregnant with the help of the ovulation tests the next thing to do is test Eric. We are not there yet but I worry.
Last month I did the first month of ovulation tests. I didn't have high hopes. I had tried ovulation tests with my previous marriage and I had never had a test come up positive. I really didn't believe that any of the tests would come up positive. But one day I walked back into the bathroom after taking a test and had to take a double take. The test was positive. I think I looked at that test 5 or 6 times making sure I read it correctly. HOLY CRAP! I was ovulating and I could prove it! Then came the waiting game. Wait.. wait.. wait.. my period should start today.. no wait it should start tomorrow... Then it came. I was upset but tried to not let it bother me too much. So now I'm getting ready to start the second round of peeing on sticks. I hope.. I hope we get our timing right.
I am now 1 month away from turning 30. I always thought I would have kids before I was 30. I thought I'd have kids.. plural.. more than one by the age of 30. It's pretty hard for me to swallow. I always thought that this would be easy for me. I don't know why I thought that but I never thought it would take 2 years to get pregnant. I know people have tried much longer than I to get pregnant but that doesn't mean it still isn't hard to endure.
I see children when we are out and about and it will bring me to tears. It's hard to explain how much I long to have a child. How much I want to look down at a baby that looks like Eric and I. Recently Eric's mom sent me pictures of him as a toddler and I will sit and stare at the pictures of him. I see that face and I wish I could hear what he had to say and to sit and watch him learn. I can't wait to see who our children will grow up to be. I see babies on TV and I think, "how lucky those people are to have that baby that is a piece of them". My heart hurts for the child I have yet to have. I never knew that anyone could long for something so badly.

Crafty Presents

2008-12-21T02:29:00.005-06:00

I decided to make something for my niece for Christmas instead of buying her a gift.

Originally I had hoped to make her a doll that had a rattle in side of it but I haven't found my old doll that I will use as a pattern and I didn't find any patterns on line that I liked. But then I ran across a blog posting about felt blocks. I thought they were pretty darn cute so I decided to make them myself.

This picture isn't the best because I took it with my my cell phone but you can get the idea.

The block is made out of felt and the colors are actually a lilac, light blue, gray & a deep purple. I'll have to post better pictures when I'm not so tired. The pattern I found the blocks were a bit smaller, these are 4" blocks. And I decided to put the shapes on them. I cut out shapes and sewed them onto the 4" squares with my sewing machine. I then hand stitched all the seams with an off white and bright pink thread. I then filled with batting inserting 2 bells so it jingles.

I do believe I have out done myself this year! This only took a couple of hours to get all the pieces cut out for 2 blocks and get the first one sewn together. The next one won't take too long since I have it all figured out now.

Music

2008-12-05T00:58:00.008-06:00

A letter to my friends.. well that and all of the Internet.

Dearest Friends,
I would like you to know that I like music. Actually I love music. While I don't like all music I have always felt a connection to music, the rhythm, the melodies, the emotions. I've been to a symphony concert and had tears rolling down my face because it was absolutely beautiful. I like classic rock, soft rock, heavy metal, classical, some country, folk, music from other countries where I don't have a clue what language it is or what they are saying but the sound is so awesome that I can't stop listening, hell I even like yodeling and polka. Okay, okay.. I think you get the point. Now the problem... I don't get out much. I listen to the radio but that is usually the only way I find new music. Which, by the way is really difficult (for me at least) to figure out what song is playing and by whom.. since the radio stations don't tell you that kind of stuff very often.. really pisses me off. I'm not much of a web surfing kind of gal. I've been doing more but still not very good at it and not sure that I care to be good at it. Internet sleuthing... not really my thing much. I get on the computer.. I check my email.. a very little bit of Hollywood gossip and that is pretty much it. So I am here now asking you all to let me know of bands you think I would like and that I should look up and listen. Hell.. even bands that have been around for a while.. that "I should know because everyone knows who The Smiths are!" And no.. I didn't know who The Smiths were until a few weeks ago.. I had no idea who Morrissey was!!! (told you I don't get out much!!) Yes I have heard some of their songs but I had never heard the band name The Smiths.
I bring this up because.. lately I keep hearing a song on the radio and I really like it. Rockin' out in my car driving down the highway. I never hear the radio idiots say what the name of the song is before it plays or by whom.. so I always wait for the song to be over and intently listen.. and then... and then... NOTHING! No song title... no band name.. nothing! Really pisses me off! Stupid radio. Lately the radio has pissed me off so much I haven't listened to it in over a week. Any way.. so my brother came to me just today telling me about a CD his wife got him and I go "hmm", you know I have heard of that band.. I have a couple of other friends that have mentioned them briefly amongst themselves and I finally thought.. well maybe I'll remember to look them up when I get home. Of course I don't look them up till..(what time is it.. ) 1:00AM! Which is the time I finally remembered to go out to the iTunes and type in their name. I pick the bands most popular song and WTF!!! THERE IS THAT DAMN SONG I HAVE CONSTANTLY WAITED FOR THE RADIO ASS-HOLES TO TELL ME WHO IT WAS THEY WERE PLAYING! So friends.. I have finally looked up Kings Of Leon. A lovely group of brothers and a cousin from Tennessee that has some pretty amazing music.
Oh.. so I should get to my point.. If you know of a band and you think I'll like it please mention it to me.. I may know a song or two without knowing the actual bands name.. and have been really frustrated in my inept ability to find music that I have heard and liked. Please please share.. because if you don't actually share that info with me I won't remember to look them up.. I am not real smart and would think.. "you know.. my friends have mentioned that band to each other... they really seem to like them.. but I don't have a clue who they are.. maybe I should look them up".. I really do need your help.. So I'm pleading with you now.. Please send me your suggestions. Please HELP ME! Make me listen!

My latest suggestion is holiday music: The Hotel Cafe Presents Winter Songs, my favorite song is called Winter Song by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson. The album is by various artist singing winter or holiday songs. Other artists on the album include Brandi Carlile, Lenka, Fiona Apple, Katy Perry, Priscilla Ahn and more. Hope you enjoy.

You can listen to the whole song and see the video here
Below is a YouTube.com video I found of them working on the song in the studio.

I want.. #2

2008-11-18T12:59:00.011-06:00

Was out today viewing blogs and a friend of mine found this (Thanks Jocelyn!):

The Original Ruler Cuff $49.00
A fashion statement that really measures up! Seriously hip bracelet made out of high grade stainless steel. Inches (English) are etched on the outside and metric markings are on the inside. This stainless steel ruler is one size fits most. 3/4" tall and 6"/19mm long with an inch gap so that you can slide it on and adjust to any size.
http://shanalogic.com

Something else to add to the list of stuff that I want and will let other people buy me!!

inspiration..

2008-11-13T21:46:00.006-06:00

I love this dress... I want.. but can't find anything like it..

Gonna have to start working out if I'm gonna look anything like that when I get married!

Holy crap.. I'm getting married... again

The never ending bathroom project

2008-11-11T21:57:00.006-06:00

Sigh.. We moved in here in September 2006

And it took a year to get this far

no toilet.. no heat... no shower. The first year we would go next door to Eric's moms house to take showers. We do have a half bathroom downstairs.. so going pee was easy.. just taking a shower was a pain in the butt..

Oh.. and no sink or doors

So here it is 2008 and we do now have a working bathtub and shower

We also now have a working toilet and heat! If you notice we still need to order the front panel for the tub but it functions and that is just cosmetics.. I also need to finish painting and buy new blinds for the window as the mauve mini blinds are UGLY!

We also put up the most important door in the bathroom... the one in the hallway! So now if we have guests over they can shut the door and no one can see in when they walk up the stairs!

Amazing, I KNOW!!

Recently we got the walls completely painted and there are only a couple of sections that I need to finish painting on the trim and I need to paint the shelving and reline the shelves. We also installed the towel bar and the medicine cabinet.

Looks pretty good! I moved the sink in to see what it would look like and I think it will look really good. Below is a picture of what the whole thing will look like once we get it all hooked up.

Eric says that we will be working on the bathroom this weekend.. I guess I'll just wait and see!

While this project is moving along very slowly and we have encountered a few hiccups I think it is looking pretty nice. Once this is done then we will start on the spare room that we are converting to a dressing room. Hopefully it won't take more than a month or two to get it done.. instead of years!

rainbow on a cloudy morning

2008-11-05T09:37:00.004-06:00

Today I didn't want to get out of bed. Though that isn't saying much, I pretty much never want to get out of bed if I have to go to work that day. I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, found some clothes pretty fast (which is pretty unusual) and went downstairs to finish getting ready. After I had gone downstairs I was then put in an extremely bad mood. Had someone been awake and down there with me I probably would have screamed and thrown things. I'm not going to say what put me in that bad mood, because it is a pretty simple thing that shouldn't have made me so furious. The entire rest of the morning getting ready and the ride to work I cussed under my breath. Not having the ability to just blow off and let go of what made me so angry. I then pull onto 97th street to turn into work and I see a rainbow. It made me take a deep breath. I find a parking place and get out and look back to see it again and it seems even larger. I could have stood there and watched that rainbow till it disappeared this morning. Though the anger is still there this little thing helped the fire burn a little less.

Right now I could use more rainbows however it seems that I am finding more rain. I only hope things start to look up next year.

I also just really wanted to share this with the Internet. It was pretty amazing. I took this picture from the parking lot with my phone so it is not the best picture.

Go Vote!

2008-11-03T15:53:00.002-06:00

Just because this seems fitting for what is going on right now.

Oh and by the way.... GO VOTE!

Eureka!

2008-11-02T10:35:00.012-06:00

The trip to Eureka was nice. I think it was just nice to take the week off really. We drove down to Eureka Springs on Wednesday and stayed at the Bavarian Inn. We mostly picked that place because they also have a restaurant that makes German style and Czech style food.
While the place wasn't fancy it was clean and our room was huge. Also the people there were very nice. (Thanks Michelle for all your help!)
Wednesday night after we got settled in our room we ate at their restaurant and the food was amazing! I would totally stay and eat there again and again. After dinner we went into the shopping district and had drinks at the Pied Piper. Pretty neat place. Almost got to see the bartender beat down some white trash that was yelling at her because the building was a non-smoking building. Needless to say we had a good time!
Thursday we got up and the Inn had something like blueberry coffee cake that was delicious and we had some hot tea with that. We then headed out to see all the springs we could find. I think we found all but one (Magnetic Springs to the right). We also went up to see the great big Jesus on the hill. That was fun. We walked over 2 miles that morning before lunch. We then stopped in the Whale & Squid for the best chicken nachos I have ever had! After that we were exhausted and decided to go back to the Inn to take a nap.
After our nap we got up and went for a drink at the Basin Inn Hotel. They have a balcony bar that overlooks the shopping area and is very pretty. We then headed down to the Grand Tavern in for dinner. It was pretty damn good. Especially because I got some goat cheese! We had steak and potatoes and it was so very good. Afterward we hopped into the car and Eric decided he wanted to take a scenic route back to where we were staying. He stopped at the Magnetic Springs and we walked up and sat up there and listened to the woods and watched the stars. It was a beautiful night. A little chilly but not too bad. We sat for a while and talked about nothing much. We then stood up and looked the other way at the stars. Eric was talking about how we both seem to always hunt out the quiet secluded places when we go on vacations. We like our solitude so long as we have someone to share it with. He asked me if I could do this forever with him and I said of course I could. He then looked down at his hand and I followed his gaze and there he held an open ring box that sparkled in the moonlight. At this moment I started bawling.... and bawling... and bawling. I think I had been waiting for so long and had been wishing and hoping that he would ask that I almost expected it to never happen. After I calmed down he was then able to ask "Will you marry me?" and I said Yes... of course! I have the beautiful diamond ring now and I also get to marry my best friend in the world! I am sooo very excited and I almost don't know where to start! Here is a picture of us at Magnetic Springs on Friday. We decided to go back and get a few more pictures. We didn't say anything to anyone until we got back into town and was able to tell his mom and my mom in person. By the end of Friday we were were so very exhausted, emotionally and physically.
Eureka Springs was so beautiful and will always be a place that I remember. Someday it will be nice to be able to take our kids back there and show them the place where he proposed.

So the question that everyone is asking... No we don't have a date picked out yet. We have only spoken a little bit about it. I can tell you this much.. it will be sometime next year. We are so very short on cash right now that we will have to wait and save up so we can do what we want. I know you all want to know and we will tell you when we have it all figured out.

Here is a picture of my ring!

I no longer have a boyfriend

2008-11-01T09:47:00.003-05:00

This past week Eric and I had taken off to do things together. On Wednesday we went to Eureka Springs to stay a couple of days. During that time he and I discussed many things and it was decided that we are no longer going to be boyfriend & girlfriend. That instead it would be better for us to depart from that. So now I am forced to move onto another chapter of my life and have to deal with the fact that I am going to have to spend a lot of my time planning a wedding!

Kyrie & Jake

2008-10-23T13:48:00.003-05:00

Little sis & Big brother

Beautiful Baby with lots of hair

Common Sense

2008-10-22T15:18:00.006-05:00

A friend sent me this in an email.. and I found it to be a bit comical and sadly true.. enjoy
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An Obituary. Interesting and sadly true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, 'Common Sense', who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; that life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, but if you did anyway, the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust. His wife Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is, however, survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Can't Help Myself

2008-10-22T00:11:00.005-05:00

I have tried.. and I can't stop myself from posting these pictures.

Eric's mom sent me an email today with pictures of Eric as a widdle kid and I have to share so you all can see how cute he is/was!

Sorry sweetie.. I love you!

manners.. or lack there of

2008-10-21T11:08:00.003-05:00

So.. I'm ticked. I was on hold with the doctors office for 20 minutes!!! waiting for them to find my files to be faxed over to another doctor. 20 FREAKING MINUTES! And after twenty minutes.. after I told them that I'm still on hold they just put me on hold again. WTF! I was trying to talk to the lady and she didn't even bother to try to listen. Just hit the hold button again!
What a freaking joke! Maybe it is a good thing I'm changing doctors! (also.. their musak sucked ass) I'll try again later perhaps it will be easier.

Kyrie

2008-10-15T14:40:00.003-05:00

I want..

2008-10-15T11:27:00.006-05:00

There is this online shop that I go look around in every once in a while. I bought gifts for my employees for the holidays last year there. The shop is Sprout Home. They have some really neat and interesting things at this store.

I purchased these for my employees for Christmas last year. The group really seemed to like them. Nobody said if they were actually able to get them to grow.. but they all still enjoyed the idea behind it!

Now I have found this and dying to purchase it! Think I might break down and get it soon though if I can find the money.

Isn't he beautiful!

So if you feel the need to purchase something for me.. feel free to get me this! ;-)

Kyrie Athena Hale

2008-10-15T00:07:00.007-05:00

I have become an aunt for the second time tonight! OMG!

I now have a super sweet niece named Kyrie Athena Hale.

Her Stats:
Kyrie (Ky sounds like "sky" minus the s; rie sounds like "ree")
bd: 10/14/08
wt: 7 lbs. 11 oz.
lth: 21" Long
Lots of black hair and dark eyes
All fingers and toes intact!

Mom is doing well. She was tired though I don't believe she had to push more than twice! Once she got to the hospital I believe she had the baby within an hour or just over an hour. It went sooo fast!

The Dad (my big bro Jason) is doing great!

Here is the first picture Jas sent me.

Look at all that hair!!! She has a beautiful little girl cry..
this is short but sooo cute.

Once the nurses got done bugging her they turned the light off that was over her and she opened her eyes. She looked around and stared at her dad for a minute. It was so sweet. Was really hard for me to not cry.

I am going to leave you now with one last picture of my beautiful sweet Kyrie. I will post more pictures when I get them. All these were taken with phones so they aren't the best, but you can still see her beautiful face!

Stupidness..

2008-10-09T23:31:00.005-05:00

So.. I'm at home sitting on my ass while I should be working on stuff around the house. I suppose there is always tomorrow.
Today I want to talk about something that may make some people upset with me. Which I'm willing to risk it as it is something that I have wanted to talk about for many years.
Today when I got home my mother called me and we got to talking about the family. Again the family is becoming divided again. Over the past 10 or so years (maybe a little bit longer) my family has slowly been torn apart by family members that are petty and immature.
When I was young I had this amazing family. My moms side of the family all live in within the metro area around her. We got together for every birthday, every holiday or any reason we could think of to have some kind of family gathering. I remember my mom on the phone every night talking to one of her 3 sisters for at least an hour. I grew up being babysat by my older cousins and spending many weekends with my cousins that were my age. I have a cousin that grew up with me that was like a sister. We hung out all the time. Every Christmas my mom would take us kids to one of her sisters houses and we would create chocolate candy. I just remember growing up around this family that loved me and that everyone loved each other. I just remember growing up with all this family and always thought it was pretty amazing and neat that everyone enjoyed being around each other.
As time has gone on and we have all grown up and I'm now watching my cousins children grow up it is amazing how the family has changed. I remember when I started noticing the family falling apart. I think it started when one of my aunts was going through a divorce. The problem is that the man she was getting a divorce from was a good friend of my moms and had been a close friend of the family for many years before he even married my aunt. My mom has been friends with him since they both were teenagers. My mother also worked for him. So during this divorce my mom decided to not take sides. She wanted to respect her good friend and her sister by stepping out. However her sister saw it differently. So differently in fact that she felt it was necessary to corner my mother at a family function in the kitchen and call her a bitch. It just seemed to get worse from there. Another incident that happened around the time of that divorce is when my grandfather (my mothers father) had a heart attack and was in and out of the hospital. My older brother and I went to visit him and as we were leaving that same aunt was coming into the room and never even looked at me or said hi or asked how we were doing. I was pretty hurt. I never did anything to that woman to make her dislike me. I feel now that she doesn't like me due to the fact that I am the child of her sister that decided to stay neutral.
The following year or two later (I'm not exactly sure when) my mother and father started having problems. First my dad moved out of the house.. then back in and I think maybe he moved out twice. Then finally my mother moved out and that was that. It was a pretty hard time for everyone. It was a crazy blur to me. I was at the time was planning a wedding and trying to get through the first year of the new marriage. My dad took everything pretty hard. In November that same year my dad committed suicide. You might think that when something so tragic like this happens that is when family's would pull together but in fact it was quite the opposite. I don't know if I've ever felt so alienated from my family. Not my mother or brothers but my aunts and cousins that I grew up with. The ones that I was so close with as a young child. People started blaming my mother for everything that happened. It was her fault that he was gone and her fault that he did what he did. I never felt so alone than at that time. I remember crying a lot not only for the loss of my father but for the loss of my family. At that time it was like going through more than one death in the family. It probably took about a year for me to finally get over being so hurt to finally becoming mad.
So another thing to make the family even more pissed at my mother.. She started seeing that friend of hers that used to be married to her sister. Yes even I had a hard time with that in the beginning. I can't say that I know the whole story of when they exactly got together or how it all happened but they are still together today and happy. I understand why people in the family would be upset but so many years later you would only hope that maybe they would see that they are happy and as weird as it was in the beginning that it fits. I told my mother that the thing that was the most important was to be sure that whatever she does that it should make her happy. If that means being with her sisters ex then so be it.
So now I don't go to see my family at any of the functions. I am tired of people wanting to talk to me to find out some gossip or to just be nosey. They have pissed me off so much that I just don't care anymore. They have been rude and down right nasty to my mother. I won't be rude to them when I am around them but I'm not going to sugar coat things and pretend that they haven't upset me. So now I just won't purposefully put myself in situations where I have to be around them.
Last year I met up with an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. She proceeded to tell me that she was walking through the store.. I believe it may have been Wal-mart.. when my aunt (the one that divorced my moms "boyfriend".. now that sounds weird but so does partner) saw her she just walked up and told her that my mom killed my father. As if she was the one who pulled the trigger. At that time my friend didn't even know that my father had died. She is standing in the middle of the store with my aunt saying the awful things to her and all she is thinking is Oh My God my friend dad is dead.. HOW FREAKING RUDE AND HURTFUL CAN YOU BE.
So now I have found out that this same aunt is now alienating her own daughter because she made a mistake. People make mistakes. Big ones small one but isn't your mothers love supposed to be unconditional? This cousin of my allegedly cheated on her husband. And while that is a HUGE mistake and very poor way to deal with problems in a marriage it doesn't mean that she should be kicked to the curb. People open your freaking eyes. I am now also hearing that her sister won't let her see her nieces and nephews with out it being under supervised visits that are only at the children's home. My cousin has been babysitting these children since they were infants and now suddenly because she cheated on her husband she can't see any of her family. I feel so bad for her. He own mother won't even talk to her. I told my mom that she needs to make sure to keep calling her and talking to her and make sure she knows that she will be there should she need anything. I can only hope that things get better with her sister and her mother. I hope this because I will never be ok with quite a few of my family members. I will never forget how they have treated my mother. There are quite a few more times they have been nothing by mean and malicious to her. I am over it. I don't want to see you all anymore. No matter how many birthday parties you invite me to I will not be there. You might just say that is my loss but I see it as your loss. GROW UP PEOPLE. I find it very sad that I am a more mature person than my aunts that are in their 50's. More mature than a few cousins that are in their late 30's. I will no longer cry because I miss you. I don't miss you anymore. You have hurt my heart, you have hurt my mom. I love her even though she has made some poor choices in her life but I will love her unconditionally for ever. I still love my father even though he made a very poor choice and it's a choice that no one will ever recover from. Yes I'm mad at him but I will always love him so very much. You all need to realize that life is short and family is an amazing thing to have and you have managed to rip it to shreds. There are so many more things I want to say but word escape me for now.
So I am going to share with you another old post that I wrote on MySpace but never opened for other people to read. It is from January of this year.
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Bill is still here....

Can't any one see that? Don't they see life is too short to be angry for this long.

Why can't they see that he lives on in us kids..

I love you papa.. I miss you..

Dusty Homemaker?

2008-10-06T09:44:00.002-05:00

Oh my goodness.. It's like something has taken over in my brain and I am finally getting some things done! Oh.. and get this.. Enjoying it!! OMG!

First lets start with the apples. My mom gave me a BUNCH of apples off her apple tree. I have now made a total of 4 apple pies. FOUR APPLE PIES.. I had to give them all away since there is no way I could even eat one whole apple pie. I think I had a total of 3 slices of pie before I just couldn't take it any more. I still have apples left and I have to figure out what to do with them before they start rotting on my front porch. If you have any ideas please let me know.

Next I worked on curtains for my entry hall. I have had the fabric for the curtains for over a year and have finally started working on them. We have even had the rods mounted for a year. (I am such a procrastinator) I have 2 of the 4 panels complete. I'll finish up the other 2 this week. I also finally hemmed a pair of Eric's pants that he had never gotten to wear because they were too long. Granted he won't be able to wear them much longer since he is losing weight. (47 pounds lost!! GO Sweetie!) They are already a bit too big for him but with a belt they are fine for the time being.

Now.. onto the big project. We have been remodeling our bathroom for 2 years now. We had the tile and all wainscoting and moldings installed last summer. I had started to paint only because we needed to get the toilet and radiator installed before winter hit. So by winter the wall that is behind the toilet and radiator was the only one painted. BUT we did have the ability to now take showers in our own home. That was so very exciting. That and I didn't have to go downstairs to go pee in the middle of the night and almost break my neck on the stairs. So this weekend we have been working away on the bathroom in order to get the sink installed and finish up the bathroom. I have been painting all day and it is almost complete. I have one more coat of white paint to put on the moldings and the wainscoting and then we can install the sink and a few of the metal fixtures. I will then have the window and the shelving unit left to paint which I hope to also finish this week or at least by the end of the weekend. I almost have a completely finished bathroom!!! Oh and we also got the door on! Granted we only got one of the three doors installed but it is the most important door of them all! The one that when someone is walking up the stairs they can't peek into the bathroom!

So I have been getting all this stuff done that has taken me more than a year to complete. I have also been better at keeping things picked up around this house. Granted we still have a long way to go before everything is gone through and organized but we are definitely moving in the right direction.

It is weird how I am suddenly in the mood to get this stuff done. So I am taking advantage of it and trying to not slow down. I don't know how long this will last before I get to the point where I can't stand to do it anymore. Let's hope it is after it get everything done.. Which I'm sure will be NEVER!

Another Older Post

2008-10-05T22:22:00.001-05:00

Still consolidating my writing that I have been doing for awhile. This is a blog entry that was on my MySpace page that I wrote July 17, 2007.

I promise that I will post something new here real soon.

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Sometimes being alone sucks.

Some days (like tonight) I sit back and miss the days when I would have friends over almost every night. Ever since Jeff and I split up it seems that my life has gotten much emptier. Not that I don't love the guy I'm with, and he does fill my life with joy and is a great friend, it just gets lonely when he works nights and I have no one to talk to (which is most nights). I sit in this house with 3 cats and my dog and miss having people to just sit around and have a good time and laugh with. Sure seems like a long time ago when I used to go over to my brother-in-laws house and just play cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit with a group of friends. I really don't mind some days coming home and having the night to myself. But I do miss the card playing days.

I see my friends now with people they have known for many years.. They always have someone to talk to and stories to tell and inside jokes. I wonder now.. Was it me? Did something I do or something I said push people away.. am I just that forgettable? I have people I've known for many years just walk away and never say goodbye. People I used to be extremely close to and thought that we would always be friends just disappear, maybe to only be heard from again when I get an email when they need something... someone to watch their kids, someone to go help their mother with some catering job. Did the fact that I got a divorce really make people dislike me. I was a loyal friend.. I was always there if they needed me.. I still am there.. just quietly waiting.

I will admit...that once Jeff and I split I took some time out to just figure some things out. I needed some space to deal with what happened.. but the few that came around did not stay around.. the phone calls, what few there were, dwindled to none.

I'm not looking for pity here. I guess I'm just trying to understand...

I always tried to not be that pestering annoying friend.. maybe that was my downfall in not having life long friends. Maybe I tried so hard to not call too often and not say the wrong thing, to try and insure that they aren't saying about me what I've heard them say about so many other friends.. (Don't be the bitchy one.. don't say something stupid.. don't be too needy.. don't.. don't.. just don't) (don't lie.. you know we have all talked about our friends behind their backs).

WHY DO I LET THIS CRAP GET TO ME! {sigh}

Maybe now I still put too much thought into "trying" to have friends.. maybe it isn't that hard.. Maybe I just need to take the word "trying" out and just have some friends.

Surely I can figure this out.

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Anyone want to get together to play some cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit?

another something I wrote a while back

2008-10-01T13:00:00.003-05:00

Wrote this a while back when I was sad and thinking of my father..

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Hello you...
I have missed you...
I have dreams and see your face...
I remember you so clearly...

There are times I sit and think...
Was there anything I could have done..
You left me so early...
We were so young...

I see your eyes.
I see your smile.
I feel your hugs.
In my dreams you haunt me.

There is so much I want to say.
So much I should have done.
I can't get you out of my head.
Can't seem to let you go.

I still love you
No matter what they say
I still love you
In my special way

I wish you would leave my dreams.
Let me sleep
I'm so tired.
to tired to weep

I love you
come back to me
I love you
Please just let me be.

History

2008-09-30T09:17:00.014-05:00

Here is something I wrote back when I first started to blog (April.. May.. not sure of the exact date I wrote this). This one never actually made it up onto the blog. I just though it was time to share.
________________________________________

I have a tendency to space off at work. Watching out the window wishing I was out there and not in here. This job is sucking the life out of me. I figured out about a year ago that I no longer like my job and want to leave. But the same crap keeps me here just like a lot of other people that keep jobs that they don't want. I have good benefits and am paid pretty well, I have also been working here for almost 10 years so I have lots of vacation time that I can use also. That is my excuse... I won't be able to make as much money if I change jobs and I will have to start over and won't have 4 weeks of vacation that I can use. I know, it's a pretty lame excuse, but it keeps me sitting here in this cubicle hoping and praying that someone will come save me from this insanity that some people call a career and that I call torture.

I am just a few months into 29 years old, divorced, and now 4 years into a relationship with Eric. Don't have any kids yet, however I have managed to acquire four cats (it's 3 cats now) and a dog. We live in this beautiful old house that was Eric's Grandfathers. Beautiful is a relative term here though, the place still needs a lot of work, but it is a nice home. Two stories with 4 bedrooms and a basement, large attic, entry hall, living room, eat in kitchen and formal dining room that we turned into a library. Sounds pretty great I know, but for some reason it doesn't quite fit me. I'm pretty sure it's because it doesn't get enough sun light inside. We also have a really neat greenhouse in the back yard that is currently being used as storage but I hope to one day turn it into a studio for me to do art. The other really nice thing about this house is that there is no mortgage. The house has been in the family for so long that it was paid off some time ago so all we have are the utilities and taxes to pay. All in all it is a pretty great deal.

I also own a house in a neighboring town. The town I grew up in. I bought the house in 1999, two years before I got married. I just couldn't stand the thought of getting rid of the house after the divorce and after I moved in with Eric so I rented it out to a friend of Eric's about a year ago. He only stayed for 6 months and never paid his last month in rent. Left the house in a bit of shambles also. Don't think I can go through that again. I've since then become ok with selling the place so I am going to fix it up and hopefully get it sold soon. It was really hard for me to finally make that decision but it was the only thing that made sense. I have been through so much with that house it is really hard to think that someday it won't belong to me anymore and it will be creating new memories with a new family.

So I suppose I should say something about the past 9 years or so... In 1999 I got this job, working in the Prepress Department of a publishing company. This job enabled me to buy my first house. Jeff, my boyfriend at the time, had not so good credit and I had none being so young, so we were unable to rent an apartment. So the next best thing to do was buy. I bought the house on my own, I decided it wasn't a good idea to put Jeff's name on the house since we weren't married. It was a grand day when I bought that place, we had been living in his parents house for almost a year and my poor animals were tired of being cooped up in a small bedroom(as so was I).

So we moved in and began our life at that place we got to call home. Two years later we decided to get married. By then we had been together for 6 years and it only seemed right to make it official. I loved him dearly and never thought I could love anyone more than I loved him. We got married on February 10, 2001. While it was a cheap wedding it was quite beautiful. I decorated it to look like a winter wonderland and it just so happened to snow like crazy the night before the wedding so it all worked out for me. I was so happy that day. Finally marrying that beautiful man that I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life.

During that time my parents weren't doing so well. My mom had moved out of the house and was living with a friend. They had apparently been having problems for quite a while, though they were good at hiding it. My wedding was pretty hard on my father. He held me so tight when we danced I had to take very short breaths in order to not pass out. He told me to always remember my vows. If I get in hard times with Jeff to always remember my vows.

Later that year, I'm sure no one can forget, the twin towers fell. I remember standing in my department here at work realizing what just happened. I don't remember any sounds, just silence. Looking out the windows facing West into the empty sky. It seemed to me that even the birds stopped flying that day. For a moment the whole world to me stood still, and just a second later it seemed like everything was then moving as though someone hit the fast forward button. All I could hear were people talking and peoples computers with the news on and radios talking about the planes. People leaving work to get their kids. I just sat down and was silent. I don't think I called anyone. I believe I might have received a phone call from my big brother and maybe my mother. I remember so badly wanting to call my dad. I just didn't know what to say. Ever since mom and dad split I didn't know how to talk to him. I could always just see and feel the sadness oozing off him. It seemed as if his pain choked me and I just couldn't speak. I wish I had called him, I should have called him.

Two months later, the Sunday after Thanksgiving my dad shot and killed himself. Even today, seven years later, it's still hard to believe he is gone. I still have bad days where I wish he was here because he was always the one to help me when I wasn't feeling good about something. He had the most perfect hugs that made all the pain go way. It still hurts me that he won't be here to see his grandchildren. Or to see us kids grow up and become whoever we become as we get older. He wasn't here to see his youngest son graduate from high school. Or to mentor him with his welding. Today the only things I have left of him are his tools and my memories of him. I remember sitting on my couch when my mom told us what happened. Both my brothers, Jeff and I were at my house when it finally came out. I remember crying only because I knew that is what people expected of me. To fall apart and cry. I really just wanted to get up and go for a walk and be silent. I think I already knew he was gone by the time mom told us what was going on. I think of my older brother Jason who was outside our family house when it happened. How he kept his composure through that and later fell apart in my arms after the funeral. I only cried hard in front of other people a few times. The only time I let myself succumb to the pain of his death was when I was alone in my house. I never really let anyone see how badly he hurt me. Many nights alone by myself I sat in the middle of my living room floor screaming at him and asking him why. Crying and in so much pain from him doing this to our family but loving him so much that I could never hate him. I would sob until my body was sore and my face was raw from wiping away the tears and snot. My shirt and pants would be soaked. Finally exhausted so much that I couldn't cry anymore I would get up and take a shower and go to bed.

I think that watching my parents marriage fall apart it made me look a little closer to what was going on in my marriage. I felt that after the first year things just started to fall apart. It seemed that Jeff's friends became more important to him than me, and that what he wanted was more important than what was better for us. Perhaps I was being selfish but don't we all have to be at some point? To me the marriage just wasn't that anymore, it was more like a roommate that happened to sleep in the same bed. He would go to work on Saturday and come home pack up and head to Lawrence and sometimes not come back till Monday. I just started to feel so alone. I began to cling to his brother Ick (his real name is Eric.. but since there are two Erics in this story I am going to refer to Jeff's brother by his nickname Ick), and his friends. Everyday Ick and friends would show up at my house and we would all hang out, or go over to Ick's house and play cards or just sit around and talk and smoke. Every Tuesday we would go out to a bar and drink till 3am and it just seemed like Jeff really didn't care. Jeff would spend his evenings in the office playing on the computer. He seemed to engulf himself with his on-line computer games and his role-playing games that he played in Lawrence with his friends. I can remember days that he would come home from work and I would ask how his day went and he just didn't want to talk about it. But he loved talking about his video games or role-playing games. It was always about "if I could just get this many more dexterity points or if I could only do this one thing then I'd have this cool new power". I was just so over it.

So I decided to end my marriage in 2004. It just seemed unfair to me to try and make Jeff be something he obviously didn't want to be, or unfair to me to keep living my married life feeling so alone. I remember the night when I finally told him. We were both in bed and I think I might have been crying. I suddenly felt this huge weight fall on my chest. It felt like I sunk down in the bed a few inches because of this weight I knew at that time that I had to tell him it was over. I sat up and just said it. It was weird how calm everything was that night. I remember something about Jeff saying that the house was of course mine and that he would like to keep the Jeep. The next morning he left the house with a few of his things and stayed at a friends. The rest was an emotional blur. Me and him crying and yelling in the living room. Packing up his things. I felt like a failure. I had failed Jeff, failed at marriage and failed my father. I loved Jeff so much still but I just couldn't go on feeling that way and it seemed that I couldn't get how I was feeling through no matter how I put it to him that I finally gave up. Even to this day I sometimes wonder if I should have done things differently.

Jeff and I still talk on occasion. He has now moved out to Las Vegas and seems to be pretty happy out there. I think about him all the time, hoping that he is doing well and taking care of himself. I do miss my friend, probably more than he realizes. He called me about 2 years after we split and got a divorce to tell me that he realizes what happened. That he understood my frustration and that he was sorry. I'm glad that we can still talk and be friends.

Now I have Eric. I met Eric through Jeff actually. I think I was 17 when I first met him when Jeff took me to his friends house. They may have been playing role-playing games or table-top games, I can't remember. I was so shy back then but I do remember him. I was sitting on the couch when he walked in. I think we both said hi to each other before he went downstairs. I always thought he was an interesting guy. I really didn't get to know him until things started falling apart in my marriage years later.

Eric started hanging out with Ick and I after he was in a car accident and wasn't able to drive or work for 6 months. So Ick and I would go pick him up and bring him back to my house or Ick's house and we would all hang out. If it was the weekend we all (the whole group of friends) might stay the night at Ick's house and hang out all weekend. Everyone saw the problems in my marriage. Even Ick, Jeff's brother, saw it. We would invite Jeff over with us and he would rather stay home. Or he would go home on the weekend and I would stay there. It all just didn't fit.

After I ended it with Jeff it seemed everyone disappeared. No one called, or wanted to hang out anymore. Granted I do understand why. Ick was Jeff's brother. It just didn't make since for him to hang out with me anymore. The only person that would call me to go out or just hang out and talk was Eric. We still went out on Tuesday nights to see a friend play at a local bar, or go out to a local Irish Pub to see another friend play. Then one day our friendship turned into something more. We were sitting on my couch watching Master and Commander, he looked over at me with this look that I don't think I can explain...longing, loving something along those lines, and then it was over. We were stuck together like bees on honey, and have been ever since.

We have now been together for almost 4 years, and I am trying my best to hold on to it with all my might.

nothing to write about

2008-09-25T10:39:00.004-05:00

I have nothing much to write about. Mostly because everything that is going on right now I can't write about... for fear of getting fired perhaps. Most of my frustrations and things happening right now are work related. Of course then there is the I'm BROKE!! problem which is totally irritating. Can't even pay a couple of bills this month... well they will just be late.. but it still sucks! I just wish I had everything under control again.. feels a bit chaotic lately (But my kitchen is clean!)

Sigh.. ok.. off to work. Maybe next month I'll have something fun to write about.

Spring Cleaning..

2008-09-09T02:24:00.004-05:00

.. at the end of Summer! WTF! So the bug has hit.. even if it was late. Eric and I have been cleaning up the house. We got a 20' dumpster a week ago and today finally got it filled up. Though it didn't take us that long. We really didn't get to work on it much during the week.

Today we went through the attic. It is so much nicer up there now. We keep talking about maybe finishing the attic space so we will have another room. Some insulation and some drywall.. that would make it a very neat place! Might turn it into a craft room or maybe even the office. Who knows..

Now we need to finish the basement and then I think we will be done. We have just under half of the basement left to go through. Then.. Just then might we able to actually finish moving into this place!! I still have boxes that I haven't unpacked up in the attic and we haven't been able to spread out in the basement because of all the "junk" that was grandpas that we are just now getting out. Soon I will have a craft space downstairs.

I have a small wooden model boat that I want to put together but I need a place that I can sand it and that would make too much dust in any other room in this house. I also still have a model car and a carousel that I need to put together. Maybe the I'll also start drawing again.. I miss drawing or any forms of art really. But right now I don't have any space to do it.

This week I have to get over to the Raytown house also. We keep talking about fixing it up to sell. But my cousin called and asked about renting it so hopefully he will and will help me do some of the repairs around that place. It would take some of the financial burden and some of the physical pain off me also! So everyone keep their fingers crossed for me that he rents the place, or that I get it all ready and cleaned up to sell.

Ok.. that was my rambling for today.. it is now 2:35 am and I need to sleep so I can get up and work my ass off again. Catcha later!

fresh ink.

2008-09-02T00:15:00.004-05:00

So this Friday, on a whim I went out to a local tattoo parlor. A few friends suggested this place anytime I mentioned wanting another tattoo. So I grabbed up my pictures and dragged Eric out with me to Mercy Seat. I really wasn't sure if I would be able to get in on a Friday to get it done but thought I'd at least check it out and set up a time to come back. So Eric and I get there and start talking to a few guys. And lo and behold they could get me in right then. Now this was not my first tattoo. My first tattoo was the rose my dad drew up and had a tattoo of on his chest. I found the original drawing after he died and had them lay the rose down on my lower back. Some call this a tramp stamp but I would like to make it known that mine is not such a thing. First off this is not an fairy, butterfly or tribal... and above all mine has a very significant meaning behind it and sentimental value. This lovely blue rose took all of 3 and a half hours to complete with no breaks in between. It was painful but totally worth it. My second tattoo is on my right wrist and it is of a Celtic knot. It is a very simple maybe even fairly common version of a Celtic knot. Got it as a shout out to my lovely Celtic roots as my maiden name is Welsh. Now I remember these hurting. The one on my wrist wasn't so bad. But I remember the one on my back hurting.. and feeling like a bad sunburn by the time I got home right after it was complete. I remember completely stripping down when I got home that evening because it felt so hot. As soon as I walked into the door I took off my shirt pants and underwear and laid on the couch while my husband fanned my shiny sore buttocks. Now I thought I knew what to expect with this new tattoo. So as I sit there and this kind stranger pokes me thousands of times with tiny needles I think this is not too bad. I can take this. Breath in breath out.. breath in breath out.. It was nice that Eric was there.. he would be talking which helped distract me from what was being done to my back. So about an hour goes by and he is done with the black. (Sigh of relief). So I get up and take a look at it. It is looking great! One of my favorite parts of getting tattoos is when they wet down paper towels and clean off the newly tattooed area. Remember me talking about bad sunburns.. well think how a nice cold wet cloth on that area would feel.. totally wonderful! So Jason (oh that is the tattoo artist) decides he wants to take a smoke break at this point. I'm fine with that, really doesn't bother me at all. He gets back and we get to coloring. Now here comes the pain. I don't remember the other one on my back hurting this much.. Holy Freaking OUCH!! This shit hurts!! there are areas real close to my arm pit and damn that is tender! But that didn't compare to the pain I felt when he was right on the edge of my shoulder blade toward the center of my back!! I would have to shut my eyes because it hurt so bad I'd start blinking non stop.. it was just easier to shut my eyes. Focus.. Breath in breath out.. Two and a half hours later we are done.. and my back hurts.. my armpit hurts.. my legs freaking hurt!! WTF! My neck hurts. My jaws hurt.. Oh I chewed a lot of gum also, another thing to try to keep my mind focused on other things. Seems that the older you get the more these things hurt! Which really kinda sucks.. I have about 4 more tattoos already picked out! Guess I better start saving my money so I can get them done quickly. Think from now on the tattoos will either be smaller or I'll start having to do the black and the color in separate seating's. Here is the original picture I took in.
I had them add pink because that is pretty standard with magnolias and it is virtually impossible to have a completely white tattoo. It turned out beautiful. The line work is really great! It's not what I imagined but I absolutely love how it came out. Needless to say I will be going back to Mercy Seat to see Jason Saint again.

Here is my new tattoo.

** On a side note.. I met an old high school classmate while there. Jim.. it was good to see and talk to you again!

KC Irish Fest

2008-08-28T13:43:00.003-05:00

The Kansas City Irish Fest is this weekend. It's really hard to believe that it is festival time already. This year has flown by. Soon the Ren Fest will start up and then Weston Irish fest and Oktoberfest! I'm a huge fan of Irish and German food so this is a wonderful time for me.

I have never been to the KC Irish Fest and I'm really excited to go. Hoping that I'm going to make it there early enough to see my friend Bob Reeder play. He is my favorite Irish Balladeer. I have been going to see him now for about 5 years.

Then later Saturday night is Gaelic Storm. I had never heard of them till I borrowed Eric's mothers truck to haul some stuff one day and she had their CD playing in her stereo. I totally feel head over heels for them! Can't wait to see them.

Hopefully we will have a good time at the festival and enjoy some good food. Also hoping to see our friends from Weston's O'malley's Pub out there. If I remember to take the camera I'll try to post some pictures!

time for a new look & update

2008-07-29T15:49:00.005-05:00

Haven't been out here for a bit and took a look at the blog.. decided i didn't like the look of it any more. So i changed the template i used and went with something a little more clean looking. I think it is easier to read.

Update: it has been a very long month for me. July started off pretty good and proceeded to hit rock bottom last week. On the first of July I received a new dog. He was a Pomeranian named Cody. He was originally Eric's grandfathers dog and after he passed away Cody went to live with a friend of the family. Recently the friend had to move and couldn't take Cody with her so he came to live with me. I took him to the vet since we knew he had a thyroid problem that hadn't been check for a few months and I also took him to the groomers and got his hair cut and him all bathed up. He was so cute and cuddly. I was just getting used to having him around and it was starting to set that he was becoming my dog, then last week he died. We figured out he was probably between 13 and 16 years. I had him for less than 1 month. I'm still pretty upset about the whole thing. I am clinging to my other dog Rudy right now. Poor girl probably doesn't know what hit her.. I have been loving on her (bugging if you ask her) since last week. Just the though of losing her scares me. I've had her for almost 9 years now. I just don't think I can take any more sudden deaths with my animals. 2 in the last 2 months is enough for a few years if you ask me. Otherwise I am getting on just fine. Got some loans paid off and still trying to get stuff done around the house. Still haven't finished the bathroom but we have begun to work on it again. Hopefully it will be done soon. We really don't have much to do now. Hard to believe that August is Friday. Depression is setting in again as this year has flown by. So much I feel I should have accomplished this year and I'm just not sure that I can now. Who knows..

Dr. Horrible

2008-07-18T10:37:00.002-05:00

Well.. My brother sent me this.. and I think it is pretty amazing!
Give it a watch! Pay the $$ if you have to! JUST WATCH IT!

www.drhorrible.com

wondering..

2008-07-14T01:11:00.003-05:00

why is it that I can't seem to have what I want in life.. I'm so close that I can taste it but it still seems so far away.

A Dream of Mine: To be able to stay home with my family and my pets. To get up when the dew is still wet on the trees and to walk into my backyard during the quite morning. Open the door and turn on some quiet peaceful music. Turn on my wheel and feel the wet clay between my fingers. The heat off the kiln to fire my next piece. The coolness of the piece that I dried last night and to contemplate what colors it wants to be. I can hear the birds.. the jingle of my dogs tags that hangs from their collars. The morning sun shining through the roof of my little room in my garden. To go inside once the afternoon sun hits high in the sky to take a break and wake Eric from morning slumber. Eat.. relax.. Post a pic of my newly finished piece, shiny and plump like that pregnant woman I saw while shopping the other day. I painted it green like the shirt she was wearing.. the lovely curves make me smile and think of that woman who will never know how much she inspired me. Go to the store to pick up some pasta and fresh veggies for our dinner tonight. Sit back on the deck with my furry kids and my Eric and enjoy before I pack food for his nightly patrol. Sit in the library and read more of that book for my book club later that weekend. I love those girls and our get-togethers. Call it a night and climb into bed and snuggle up to Eric's pillow and take in his smell and wait for him to come home in the morning and wrap his heavy arm over me. Bask in that moment for a while and get up and start it all over again.

--- It's a beautiful dream.. I hope I can make it happen.. Wish me luck.
-dlh

funny message between me and my brother..

2008-06-27T14:32:00.002-05:00

2:23:55 PM Jason: psst

2:24:01 PM Dahnks: yes...

2:24:33 PM Jason: you wouldn't happen to have a dollar or so just lyin' aroudn with nothing to do, wouldja?

2:26:14 PM Dahnks: well... let me as them to make sure they don't have any plans.. not sure.. they might be partying in my purse right now.. and may not want to leave.

2:26:44 PM Jason: well, damn.

2:28:29 PM Dahnks: lucky you.. one had already passed out from partying so hard... the others were getting ready to put whipped cream on his face.. He is now here on my desk passed out and i'm sure will wake with a horrible hangover.. but if you use him quickly I won't have to put up with his whiny ass tomorrow.

2:28:48 PM Jason: hehe

2:31:34 PM Jason: poor bastard will wake up squeezed between a sweaty old geezer and someone who's been taped together one-too-many times... if he's lucky he'll be sandwiched between 2 young crispies straight outta the mint...

2:31:39 PM Jason: ... but not likely.

2:31:48 PM Dahnks: LOL

depressed..

2008-06-25T16:10:00.006-05:00

So I've been depressed for a while now. I just really don't know how to get out of this funk. I keep thinking that something needs to happen so I quit feeling like I'm being held underwater against my will.. not that I would want to be held underwater for any reason. just sayin..

Today I woke up with this pure hatred for Eric's computer. Why does his computer get so much of his time! I'm sure I'm overreacting.

I also am currently having issues with my job.. which I won't go into detail here as I just read about someone getting fired from their job due to it. But I'll tell you this.. right now I think work just really SUCKS!

Then there is this overwhelming sense that my life isn't where it should be right now. I'm supposed to be at home with my kid(s) taking care of my home and my husband and spending time with my family. And I feel so far away from that. Even though I don't have kids yet.. and I'm not married yet.. I still feel like being at work is making depressed. As I get older my days go by so much faster and I feel like there is so much that I am missing.. Time with Eric, time with my brothers and my nephew, time with my mom or with Eric's mom. This time that I am missing because I am at work scares me. I feel like it is all slipping through my fingers and it is time I'll never be able to get back. Memories that I should be making and cherishing and instead I'm sitting in a cube farm with people that either don't get me or don't respect me. I do respect many people here at work and their dedication to their job and what they do and I think that is great. I so used to be that person.. but these past few years that feeling in me has changed. I want to have the ability to clean my house when it is daylight outside. I don't want to spend my entire weekend working on my house and doing chores. My weekends are for me. They are my time to spend with Eric doing what ever we want to do even if that means sleeping till 2 in the afternoon and vegging on the couch all day, never once thinking about all the laundry that needs to be done. My house is in total chaos right now and that just makes all this worse. I just don't feel like I have time to keep up with it. I get up every morning and go to work from 8 to whenever they will let me out of here.. which is usually at or after 5. I then have a 30 (and sometimes more) drive home. I then figure out what I'm going to have for dinner eat and by then it is close to 8. Eric and I sit and talk or watch TV for a few before he has to get ready for work.. I then prepare his dinner and get it all packaged up and ready to go.. He leaves around 9:30 to go to work.. Then the day is done.. I usually have no energy to do anything around the house and go lie down in bed with a book or my laptop until I can't keep my head up any longer and the next day I do the same crap again.
I just feel that I should be doing so much more than sitting in my cube in the corporate world. I'm really ok with having a job but at the moment I can't take a pay cut so leaving is really out of the question until I sell my old house.
The problem is that I've lost all energy to try and make it better anymore. I just want something to happen and "Poof" it's all better. I know this is not how it works... but I can't seem to fix myself right now.. Let alone all this other crap.

I need a permanent vacation..

Annoyed

2008-05-28T09:53:00.003-05:00

People are just really annoying the shit out of me today!! I wish they would all just go away!

it's been so long

2008-05-19T10:01:00.004-05:00

It's been a while since I've written.. Life has been pretty pleasant lately. Well.. of course other than the flip out I had last week. (Lets just blame that on PMS) I'm pretty excited about this week. I have dinner with Christy tomorrow. It's been really nice getting together with her again. Plus we eat sushi.. so that makes it all better! This week is also a short week for me. Thursday is Eric's an my 4 year anniversary. Can't hardly believe it has been so long. Time has just flown by. I don't think there is anything special planned but I thought it was a good excuse to take some time off work. It makes for a 5 day weekend! Nothin' much better than that! Think we are going to go to our favorite Italian restaurant.
So to recap this weekend... Eric finally got some time off after working 19 days in a row. I baked cookies on Saturday and took them to book club with me. This week we talked about Blink. Good book.. neat ideas.. hard to read. The guy kept repeating himself. I agree with Michelle, every chapter started off really good but then it all just became so repetitious that it just made it very hard to read. Next book will be Eat Pray Love. I already finished the book. I really loved it. I might even read it again. So I left Jill's house from the book club around 5:00 and went home to spend a weekend with my boy. He hadn't even taken a shower when I got there.. just a pain in the ass.. but I love him. So he got dressed and then we headed out for food at Jason's Deli. I had a wonderful sandwich, the California Club, despite the people there. I really can't stand going into a restaurant where the workers despise their jobs so much they find the customers to be an annoyance. If you hate your job so much go the fuck home! I've worked in the food business for many years. I know what it is like to have a dinner rush right before you close. Get over it.. and take my order without having an attitude! Anyway.. Eric had a salad and a very small portion of my sandwich. We then headed out to the theater to see Iron Man. We really enjoyed the movie. Looks like there is going to be more! I think that will be exciting. We then headed home and called it a night. Sunday was nice.. The weather was perfect this weekend. We headed out and got some shopping done, which made for a long day. Seemed like it was all a bit of a bust anyway. So we went to Lowes, Sams Club, Bed Bath & Beyond and Target. Of course we did all this shopping in Independence which made it worse. I hate all the stores in Independence. They never carry what I need or want at the time. I still don't know why I bother. It is just as fast to go up to Liberty. After all the shopping we were exhausted so we went home and ate some dinner and I fell asleep on the couch. All in all it was a pretty lovely weekend. I think this coming weekend will be just as good! I'm really glad Eric is getting Saturdays and Sundays off now. Plus me having 5 days off in a row won't hurt!
Till then!

love

2008-04-29T23:50:00.004-05:00

So I thought about love today also. I think it is pretty grand. I have a wonderful man. I wish I could do more for him. If I could show the world how he looks at me and smiles it just might bring peace to this crazy place. He makes me happy even through the crappiest days. Today I sat in our lazy-boy all sick and ugly looking watching a TV series on my laptop. He comes down and tells me that I'm cute. Totally hard to imagine.... I looked so bad. Yesterdays makeup, red nose from blowing it all day, oily hair pulled up in a bun, bad breath.. I'm sure I could go on.. but I'll spare you. And even though I felt like shit and looked the part he made me smile and laugh. He made me happy. I giggled today and I tried my best to make him laugh (totally succeeded!!) This man I wake up to in the mornings is amazing, kind and patient. How could a crazy girl like me be so lucky. He makes me light up. And while I could probably live my life without him.. I could get my butt out of bed and make it into work and pay my bills and have friends that make me laugh and perhaps be with another man.. but why would I? This man I want to walk through this life with and the afterlife with. We made a pact... We would die together. We will be together hand in hand to walk into the life here after together. I would follow him anywhere... Ever see that movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? It's something like that. I may say I need a day off from being with him.. but once he is around I never want him to leave. I'm not even saying our relationship is easy.. but loving him is and it's pretty easy to tell he loves me back. I suppose that is one of the best things. To feel loved back is amazing and to be able to see it and hear it and know it is more than i could ever hope for. I know what it is like to wonder if the man I'm with truly loves me. More than that "I hope she is happy and healthy love".. More like the "I will break you if you make her shed one tear because you have said something mean to her" love. The love that doesn't know shame. The love that cries when watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind during scenes when they are just sitting on the couch and hanging out.. because it reminds him of how much he loves to be with me. To sit on the couch doing nothing with me. Is that love? I think so..

Sick today

2008-04-29T23:39:00.004-05:00

Today I am sick. Stuck at home sitting in the chair in the living room. Blowing my nose, sneezing, coughing, trying to rest and get better. Today I think.. Isn't life a funny tragic thing?! So my brother breaks up with his girlfriend. Sad yes.. but is it. They argue all the time. He always seemed unhappy in that relationship to me. So now it's over.. and I feel bad. Funny isn't it.. I hated them together and now that they are over I feel like crap over it. I hope it wasn't something that I said. And how unfair to him that I say this now, after the fact. I love him, probably more than he will ever realize. I want so much for him. I want happiness that comes easy. He has been through so much for a 21 year old. To lose his father at the fragile age of 15. He was such a young boy. Am I over protective.. yeah.. I can't seem to help it. Most people see it as nagging or picking on him. I'm sorry for that, I just can't seem to stop. Maybe I have no tact in telling him that I care and that I want the best for him and to give him advice or to tell him what I think of what is going on. I just hope that in the years to come that we can be close. That we can talk and be grown up together. I want to be able to call and have long conversations together and talk about life and jobs and kids. I want to have dinners where he and his kids and wife come over and we laugh and talk to the wee hours of the morning. I want our kids to get along and play together. I want that with both my brothers. But I especially want it with my little brother. Maybe because there was so much arguing when we were little. We didn't get along so much then. I heard that he felt more like he had two mothers and no sister. That made me sad. There is 8 years between us.. it's a hard gap to fill, but I think we can do it. Nick.. If you ever read this.. I love you.. - Big Sis

She makes me want to move to Iceland...

2008-04-25T15:26:00.008-05:00

So I was playing around on the Internet today and came across this on Flikr http://www.flickr.com/photos/rebba/.. her photos make me want to move to Iceland. They are beautiful! This one in particular I really love..

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rebba/389347895/

I have also added her blog to my links here.. Check her out.. beautiful and serene.

still nothing important

2008-04-24T15:36:00.004-05:00

Wish I had something important to say. Don't though..

In a funk today.. hopefully will be leaving work on time today.. got one hour left. Updated my myspace page today.. really like it.. using a site for the profiles that is made in flash. Pretty cool if I don't say so myself.

Kinda tired also.. Poor Jerry.. Went to the hospital last night. Chest pains. Haven't heard yet if it was in fact a heart attack or not. Tests were good last night.. so hopefully it wasn't another heart attack.

Miss my Eric.. wonder what he is doing. Hope we get to spend some time together tonight. I really need to work on the house though.. Need to do laundry and clean.. blah

Guy is supposed to be looking at my Raytown house today to give me a quote to paint the outside of the house. Hopefully it is a good quote. Eric is supposed to get me a quote for someone to take care of the yard work over there. Wish they would get back with me. I really need to start working on that house again. Need to get it sold... could really use the money.

Ok.. well I had better get back to work. Till next time.

Can't they figure out a better system!!!

2008-04-22T14:10:00.004-05:00

So now I'm irritated..

So Eric and I weren't paying much attention this weekend and we didn't realize that we didn't get his schedule in. It's been the exact same thing for the past 3 or 4 weeks so we just didn't realize that we didn't get a new schedule.

Come to find out he was supposed to work last night and have Saturday and Sunday off!! That just pisses me off. We could have had the entire weekend but instead their system of sending schedules failed to work and we never got the changes.

They insist on faxing schedules.. WTF.. Haven't they heard of email.. they could then confirm easily that the person got it. Stupid people.

I really hate this company that he is working for. Really wish he would get a different job.
But I suppose that would be more for me than for him. I wish he had a job with the same hours as me.. I'm selfish and I want to have more time with him. I want it to be easier for us to plan things like days off or evenings together.

Gonna have to start buying lottery tickets so we can win lots of money... might be the only way we will get the ability to spend more time together.

..sorry for the pity party..

Can't seem to get it right today....

2008-04-22T10:28:00.002-05:00

<sigh> I’d rather be sitting at home on the couch listening to sad depressing music.

Don’t we all get in a funk like that every once in a while?..

just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up

It's nearly been a year since he's been gone
And we still sing his goodbye songs
Goodness knows she should move on
But she just can't let him go
No, she just can't let him go

I'm sorry if I made you want to cry
I'm sorry if I made you want to cry
You should know, I never meant to hide
I just hate bringing you down
Oh, I just hate bringing you down

I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up

And I dropped my paintbrush in the dirt
Still remember just how much that hurt
I cut my hand and wait for it to work
But I just couldn't bring him back
No, I just couldn't bring him back

I just can't seem to get it right today
Oh, I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh Lord I said I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh Lord I said I guess I'm gonna give up

Never really read the lyrics to this song before.. It’s one of those sad and pretty songs…. Makes you think of people you have lost..

Suppose that is what gloomy days like today is for.

Wish I was out for a walk listening to music.. I could use some quite time by myself with my music.. time to clear my head.. time to think of nothing.. to only feel my footsteps hitting the pavement and the resounding sound in my chest that they make.. in beat with the music.. no other worries or thoughts.. just me and the cool breeze and no other noises.. just me, my footsteps and my music.

I need to take a day off work.. I miss my old neighborhood..

DAFFODIL'S! DAFFODIL'S! DAFFODIL'S!

2008-04-16T13:59:00.004-05:00

My Daffodil's Bloomed!!! I'm sooo happy! They didn't bloom last year and I really tried to make sure the elements didn't kill them and they bloomed!!! (yes.. snow in April could have killed my flowers).

You might ask why is there only 2 flowers. Well I would have to tell you that I didn't plant these flowers. I actually don't think anyone planted these flowers. I personally think that a squirrel with a green thumb planted them in a very weird spot next to my house.

sadly not yet..

2008-04-14T14:33:00.003-05:00

Another month has gone by and I am still not pregnant. Eric and I have been trying since January and we haven't had any luck yet. It's only been 4 months, which isn't very long but I hoped it was going to be easy, but apparently this is going to have to be something I have to endure. Least that's what it feels like. I was pretty heart broken the first month after we started trying to get pregnant. I told myself to buck-up.. other people try for years and you have only really given it one good month. So we kept trying.. I was good the past few months when I found out I wasn't pregnant. I was OK.. ready to try again the next month. Not upset, not worried, not frustrated. This month was different. I don't know why but Sunday hit along with a horrible bout of the cramps and I lost it. I was pretty upset, crying on Eric shoulder wondering if we should have kids or not... He consoled me, and said we will just try again.. We were busy a few days and weren't able to be together as much as we should have so again this month we try again.. We have been discussing the idea of using an ovulation kit. I just can't decide... they can be pretty expensive. Eric suggests that we give it another month...

I don't know what I would do without Eric.. He is so patient with me. I can be such an emotional wreck and he just sits by and lets me get through it. He doesn't get mad or upset at me.. he is just there when I need him the most and lets me cry and gives me the best hugs.

I can only hope that when we do get pregnant that I can be as good as a mother as mine and our kids can be as patient with people as Eric.

I must have the ability to eat the cheese!!

2008-04-10T09:52:00.002-05:00

So I’m trying to be good and start working out.. ugg..

I got on the scale yesterday and I weigh 131 pounds.. Oh My.. While it isn’t really bad it is still not comfortable. So my friend Jen asked me to start working out with her at her house. Yesterday I showed up at her home with my big workout ball (or what the heck ever you call them) and a change of clothes. I also brought over a workout DVD which was only 20 minutes long.. We thought Good! We will start slow and work our way into longer workouts.. OMG!!!!! I’m soooo sore today. Swear I’m walking around like I rode a horse all day yesterday.. who knew that 20 minutes could do so much damage to my poor sweet muscles.. My freaking arm pits hurt also! What the heck is that all about!? I haven’t worked out in over a year and I thought I missed it.. well think again stupid!! This stuff hurts!!

This is going to be my sad attempt to try and lose a few pounds and not feel so mushy around my mid-section. I used to not have to work at this.. I could eat 6 glazed doughnuts and not gain a pound! I don’t do that anymore but I can’t give up my cheese.. so in order to keep myself from becoming fat I am going to start working out. We are going to try and meet on Tuesdays and Fridays.. Wish me luck.. I’m going to need it!

rain rain...

2008-04-08T09:59:00.007-05:00

rain rain go away.. come back.. another... well.. i'd say never but that probably wouldn't be good!

so today i boycott the capital letters.. i will continue to do so until the rain stops.. rain all you want at night just cut that shit out during the day. i need sunshine dammit! these rainy days are here.. it's spring.. what should i expect. if it must rain couldn't the sun at least shine. that would make my day better. suppose it wouldn't be so bad if i didn't sit in front of a window at work..

gloomy.. makes filling out my employees reviews more of a challenge.. here is a picture of the gloom that over looks my desk. hope my employees don't expect good reviews.

i actually spent some time outside this weekend with my dog in our backyard. it was really nice. i'll post some pictures of her and our adventures another time.

we did have this amazing thunderstorm last night. it shook the whole house. if i didn't know there was a storm going on last night i would have sworn it was an earthquake. shook the house up really good. my dog went into the computer room and hid under eric's legs under his desk. poor thing is extremely afraid of loud bangs and booms. i was good with the storm last night. would have been better had it quit by now. i'm ready for the april showers to quit now.. thanks!

bad addiction

2008-04-05T18:33:00.004-05:00

My boyfriend and I have this new horrible addiction.. Vintage Stock is now my drug of choice. We go there every time we drive by. We are on the hunt for movies.. Cd's.. I've even looked at records and comic books. That place is the devil. We just got back from there and bought 6 DVDs and a CD. Just Like Heaven (totally mine), The Butterfly Effect, From Hell, Identity, Hell Boy & Land of the Dead, I also got the CD, Alien Ant Farm - Anthology. We also just bought all of the Stargate SG1 series on DVD.. and are currently awaiting season 5 & 6 in the mail of Gilmore Girls. I no longer watch TV.. no news or current events. I'm stuck in bed on this laptop watching a new movie that I just bought or my Gilmore Girl series. FYI.. Some of the series stuff you can get cheaper on Amazon.com brand new rather than buy it at Vintage Stock, even after paying shipping! So be careful what you do..

We also hit Planet Sub today for lunch. I haven't been there for years and he had never been there. I think we might have just found a new favorite place to munch. Anyplace that puts cream cheese on a sandwich is a friend of mine!

Oh.. and if you are looking for a good romantic movie with a twist you have to see The Lake House. Just watched it last night and it was amazing! We now have Long Way Round to watch on DVD.. Its a documentary style series with Ewan McGregor and a 20,000+ mile road trip on a motorcycle with a friend of his. I'm pretty excited to watch it.

Today is the first day of my blog..

2008-04-05T14:24:00.003-05:00

Thought this might be a good exercise for me. Writing is said to be therapeutic.. not that I need therapy, however others my believe I do.

I think writing is another form of learning. Learning how to spell for instance. I know we have spell check but after writing for a while you do inadvertently learn how to spell. I also think it is good to write about life. There are days it is very nice to step back and take a look at what you have done and it is nice to see that you have put it in words. It makes the memories that much better.

So here I go. My blog.. funny I keep misspelling blog and writing blow.. Lets see what adventures my life will take me on and let the craziness ensue!