The Storyteller

On December 29^th my Grandmother, Luetta Mae, left the land of the living. 

What most people don’t know, and her included, is that I have always looked up to my Grandma.  She is the strongest woman that I know.  She knew what she wanted and she would get it. You knew what she expected out of you and you made sure to do the best you could.  She was a force.   She was also such a loving person and she made everyone around her laugh all the time.

The thing I remember most about my Grandma is her storytelling   All of my father’s siblings and his mother are all fantastic storytellers.  I wish that was a trait that I received,however it was lost on me. 

Recalling things that happened yesterday is hard enough..but stories from years past.. forget it.

But my favorite memories are of sitting around any dining room table or the patio at the farm and listening.  The family recalling stories of days gone by.  The crazy things they did.. or said. 

Chasing kids with brooms, Semi-truck hauls with her and my dad and his crazy antics to get around a corner. 

Stories I can’t recall but I can vividly see in my mind where those stories were told and all the laughter.. the jokes.. the cigarette smoke.

That Hale family really makes my heart swell.. I’m the lucky one.  I got to be her granddaughter and her pen-pal.  Her biscuit making helper..and the granddaughter that just could not figure out how to crochet no matter how much she tried to show me. 

I got to play UNO in her living room trying to stack the deck and still losing to my brother and walk the back field finding old Indian arrowheads. 

I liked when she turned on the country storytellers who would sing their songs on the radio with the doors open and the fresh air blowing the tall grass.

I still have a pair of her clogging shoes.  I remember how heavy her quilts were and how safe I felt under them when I stayed the night.

She taught me how to read a map on a trip to Texas.  I was in charge.. we took a couple of wrong turns but I got us there.

And always.. she was telling stories..  while making the story of my Grandma and me.

I missed her when she moved to Alaska..  

My favorite memory.. a few years ago when she came to visit, she got to see my house and she met my husband.. and APPROVED!

Luetta, the mother of my father who left the living 11 years ago   I truly hope that they have met again..and all those that have gone before us are sitting somewhere around a table telling their stories and having a laugh.

-all my love

a few random thoughts for the end of the year

- i miss working in the same company/office as my big brother.
- it's been 10 years.. but i still miss my dad as much as i did 9 years ago.
- even though it seems rather impossible i do love my husband more every day.
- to steal a quote from my friend terra: i am thankful for friends that are family and family that are friends
- though the past couple months of this year have been both beautiful and painful, i come out of it with a smile and more hope and belief than years past.
- i like writing cryptic sentences..
- there were so many times i wanted to blog about something very specific that i was going through at that moment and didn't.. i wish i had.. maybe i still will.. new goal; Write More!
- i wish i could work part-time and then volunteer with animal rescue or animal shelters
- while i do like all the owl shirts and jewelry..  i'd prefer sloths
- i love my momma so much
- i hope to be a better friend in the new year
- being positive about life and work and friends has been hard the past few months.. going to strive to be more positive and supportive.. if i'm not please slap some sense into me!

to my friends that are my family and to my beautiful family that are my best friends
stay safe, wear your seatbelts, slow down and enjoy life and above all know this..

I love you all.

Here's to a better and "productive" new year!!!
(and by "productive" i mean babies..  and by babies i mean i want a baby! wish me luck ya'll, we need it!!)

< demo > complete < /demo >

we finished taking down the walls!  demo is complete!



Here is eric preparing to take down the last of the remaining wall..



not exactly sure what we were listening to.. but apparently it had some awesome air guitar





As we were taking down the last bit we found another relic on the wall..



Perhaps this one isn't as old as the other...  :)

Here we go!





And it's done!!







HI RUDY!


Now we need to do some electrical work as we need to add a couple of outlets.

I will also be calling about some windows for the room.

And then there is this...



Not sure what this is from.. but i will need to call a plumber to have them check it out and see if it can be cut and put back together below the floor.

after admiring our work.. if you stand in the corner by the two outside walls and look down it feels like you are standing on a floating floor..



Just a bit freaky....

maybe i'm weird.. but lathe & plaster can be pretty at times..



we got all this done on saturday.. sunday we worked on cleaning up the dust trail from carrying all the mess out of the house.   It was such a beautiful day so we also spent some time with erics lovely mom and jerry and had funhouse pizza for dinner.  This evening eric and I and all 5 of our pet kids climbed onto the couch and watched a couple of episodes of Dr. Who.. wish i had a picture of that.  Eric, me, 2 dogs & 3 cats on the couch.  This weekend was a success.

once we get more done on the room i'll give you an update!

now off to bed for me and the fam..

signing off..   -d

Raytown

Today I miss my house in Raytown.  I was looking at pictures today and ran across a picture I took of Eric sitting on the couch when we lived there.  I miss the light that came into the house.  It was always very light in there during the day.  I also miss the smallness of the place.  As much as I bitched about not having enough space I kinda miss it.   I miss the closeness of it all.  It was harder for two people to be so separated by the things that they are doing because they were only one room away instead of upstairs and down the hall.  Now when I try to find Eric I have to walk through the house calling his name upstairs and down.  I feel so separated by it all.  Our current house isn't huge but it is much bigger and sometimes he feels miles away.

So my opinion of it..  bigger isn't better when it comes to homes.   Love your small hallways that make you connect with your loved one as you pass them.   Love your small kitchens and how quickly it is to clean it up and the constant "bumping" into your spouse or kids when you both are in there.  Love your small homes while they are yours.  Cherish those memories and those connections. 

On the other hand..  Yards are always better bigger!   The bigger the better!

randomness

Check out this little girl!!!   So Freaking Cute!!!

Tash.. Jas..  you guys make some beautiful babies!

So I posted about music recently.. thanks for everyone that has given me some suggestions.. I am checking them all out and we'll see how many albums I end up buying on iTunes.  Michelle.. Thanks for the invite to Pandora.   I really like it!  I've been listening to it all day today and have found an artist I really like.  Kate Nash..  beautiful songs, beautiful voice!  

It's a couple of days away from Christmas..  so to you all that celebrate it!  Merry Christmas..  and to you that don't.   Merry Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Birthday to Mithra and what ever else is out there!

tortured

It's December. Kinda hard to believe that the year is almost over. Right about a year ago Eric and I decided that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. I had actually gone off birth control in March of '07 however we weren't actually trying at the time. I went off because I don't like being on the hormones. They are real rough on my body and I get infections and cause other physical pain that was pretty uncomfortable. So I quit taking birth control secretly hoping I would get pregnant quickly and easily. Then at the end of December very early January I was talking to Eric and we decided that we would actually start paying attention to everything. If you don't know what I mean by "everything" then too bad.. I'm not telling. So I started writing things down and paying attention to my body more.
That was such an emotional time for me. I would break down and cry every time my period started. It was so emotionally draining. Finally around June I was so emotionally drained by worrying about trying to get pregnant I decided to relax and be ok with not getting pregnant. I knew it wasn't good for me to be so stressed out about it all. I started going out with friends more and so long as my period started on time I was fine and I just moved on. I even gave up trying all together for a couple of months. I just needed to give myself a break. I just quit thinking about it. But as the year has passed and I inch to becoming 30 all the feeling of wanting to have a child came flooding back. It didn't help matters with my brother and his wife had their second child in October.
I hadn't been to the gynaecologist for 2 years and I finally went back. I needed to get my standard checkup and discuss with the doctor that we had been off birth control for 18 months and have had no luck getting pregnant. Fortunately my checkup went well and everything looks good. The doctor wants me to take ovulation tests for two months to be sure I am ovulating. If we don't get pregnant with the help of the ovulation tests the next thing to do is test Eric. We are not there yet but I worry.
Last month I did the first month of ovulation tests. I didn't have high hopes. I had tried ovulation tests with my previous marriage and I had never had a test come up positive. I really didn't believe that any of the tests would come up positive. But one day I walked back into the bathroom after taking a test and had to take a double take. The test was positive. I think I looked at that test 5 or 6 times making sure I read it correctly. HOLY CRAP! I was ovulating and I could prove it! Then came the waiting game. Wait.. wait.. wait.. my period should start today.. no wait it should start tomorrow... Then it came. I was upset but tried to not let it bother me too much. So now I'm getting ready to start the second round of peeing on sticks. I hope.. I hope we get our timing right.
I am now 1 month away from turning 30. I always thought I would have kids before I was 30. I thought I'd have kids.. plural.. more than one by the age of 30. It's pretty hard for me to swallow. I always thought that this would be easy for me. I don't know why I thought that but I never thought it would take 2 years to get pregnant. I know people have tried much longer than I to get pregnant but that doesn't mean it still isn't hard to endure.
I see children when we are out and about and it will bring me to tears. It's hard to explain how much I long to have a child. How much I want to look down at a baby that looks like Eric and I. Recently Eric's mom sent me pictures of him as a toddler and I will sit and stare at the pictures of him. I see that face and I wish I could hear what he had to say and to sit and watch him learn. I can't wait to see who our children will grow up to be. I see babies on TV and I think, "how lucky those people are to have that baby that is a piece of them". My heart hurts for the child I have yet to have. I never knew that anyone could long for something so badly.

Crafty Presents

I decided to make something for my niece for Christmas instead of buying her a gift.

Originally I had hoped to make her a doll that had a rattle in side of it but I haven't found my old doll that I will use as a pattern and I didn't find any patterns on line that I liked. But then I ran across a blog posting about felt blocks. I thought they were pretty darn cute so I decided to make them myself.

This picture isn't the best because I took it with my my cell phone but you can get the idea.


The block is made out of felt and the colors are actually a lilac, light blue, gray & a deep purple. I'll have to post better pictures when I'm not so tired. The pattern I found the blocks were a bit smaller, these are 4" blocks. And I decided to put the shapes on them. I cut out shapes and sewed them onto the 4" squares with my sewing machine. I then hand stitched all the seams with an off white and bright pink thread. I then filled with batting inserting 2 bells so it jingles.



I do believe I have out done myself this year! This only took a couple of hours to get all the pieces cut out for 2 blocks and get the first one sewn together. The next one won't take too long since I have it all figured out now.

Kyrie & Jake

Little sis & Big brother

Beautiful Baby with lots of hair

Kyrie Athena Hale

I have become an aunt for the second time tonight! OMG!

I now have a super sweet niece named Kyrie Athena Hale.

Her Stats:
Kyrie (Ky sounds like "sky" minus the s; rie sounds like "ree")
bd: 10/14/08
wt: 7 lbs. 11 oz.
lth: 21" Long
Lots of black hair and dark eyes
All fingers and toes intact!

Mom is doing well. She was tired though I don't believe she had to push more than twice! Once she got to the hospital I believe she had the baby within an hour or just over an hour. It went sooo fast!

The Dad (my big bro Jason) is doing great!

Here is the first picture Jas sent me.


Look at all that hair!!! She has a beautiful little girl cry..
this is short but sooo cute.

Once the nurses got done bugging her they turned the light off that was over her and she opened her eyes. She looked around and stared at her dad for a minute. It was so sweet. Was really hard for me to not cry.

I am going to leave you now with one last picture of my beautiful sweet Kyrie. I will post more pictures when I get them. All these were taken with phones so they aren't the best, but you can still see her beautiful face!

Stupidness..

So.. I'm at home sitting on my ass while I should be working on stuff around the house. I suppose there is always tomorrow.
Today I want to talk about something that may make some people upset with me. Which I'm willing to risk it as it is something that I have wanted to talk about for many years.
Today when I got home my mother called me and we got to talking about the family. Again the family is becoming divided again. Over the past 10 or so years (maybe a little bit longer) my family has slowly been torn apart by family members that are petty and immature.
When I was young I had this amazing family. My moms side of the family all live in within the metro area around her. We got together for every birthday, every holiday or any reason we could think of to have some kind of family gathering. I remember my mom on the phone every night talking to one of her 3 sisters for at least an hour. I grew up being babysat by my older cousins and spending many weekends with my cousins that were my age. I have a cousin that grew up with me that was like a sister. We hung out all the time. Every Christmas my mom would take us kids to one of her sisters houses and we would create chocolate candy. I just remember growing up around this family that loved me and that everyone loved each other. I just remember growing up with all this family and always thought it was pretty amazing and neat that everyone enjoyed being around each other.
As time has gone on and we have all grown up and I'm now watching my cousins children grow up it is amazing how the family has changed. I remember when I started noticing the family falling apart. I think it started when one of my aunts was going through a divorce. The problem is that the man she was getting a divorce from was a good friend of my moms and had been a close friend of the family for many years before he even married my aunt. My mom has been friends with him since they both were teenagers. My mother also worked for him. So during this divorce my mom decided to not take sides. She wanted to respect her good friend and her sister by stepping out. However her sister saw it differently. So differently in fact that she felt it was necessary to corner my mother at a family function in the kitchen and call her a bitch. It just seemed to get worse from there. Another incident that happened around the time of that divorce is when my grandfather (my mothers father) had a heart attack and was in and out of the hospital. My older brother and I went to visit him and as we were leaving that same aunt was coming into the room and never even looked at me or said hi or asked how we were doing. I was pretty hurt. I never did anything to that woman to make her dislike me. I feel now that she doesn't like me due to the fact that I am the child of her sister that decided to stay neutral. 
The following year or two later (I'm not exactly sure when) my mother and father started having problems. First my dad moved out of the house.. then back in and I think maybe he moved out twice. Then finally my mother moved out and that was that. It was a pretty hard time for everyone. It was a crazy blur to me. I was at the time was planning a wedding and trying to get through the first year of the new marriage. My dad took everything pretty hard. In November that same year my dad committed suicide. You might think that when something so tragic like this happens that is when family's would pull together but in fact it was quite the opposite. I don't know if I've ever felt so alienated from my family. Not my mother or brothers but my aunts and cousins that I grew up with. The ones that I was so close with as a young child. People started blaming my mother for everything that happened. It was her fault that he was gone and her fault that he did what he did. I never felt so alone than at that time. I remember crying a lot not only for the loss of my father but for the loss of my family. At that time it was like going through more than one death in the family. It probably took about a year for me to finally get over being so hurt to finally becoming mad.
So another thing to make the family even more pissed at my mother.. She started seeing that friend of hers that used to be married to her sister. Yes even I had a hard time with that in the beginning. I can't say that I know the whole story of when they exactly got together or how it all happened but they are still together today and happy. I understand why people in the family would be upset but so many years later you would only hope that maybe they would see that they are happy and as weird as it was in the beginning that it fits. I told my mother that the thing that was the most important was to be sure that whatever she does that it should make her happy. If that means being with her sisters ex then so be it.
So now I don't go to see my family at any of the functions. I am tired of people wanting to talk to me to find out some gossip or to just be nosey. They have pissed me off so much that I just don't care anymore. They have been rude and down right nasty to my mother. I won't be rude to them when I am around them but I'm not going to sugar coat things and pretend that they haven't upset me. So now I just won't purposefully put myself in situations where I have to be around them.
Last year I met up with an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. She proceeded to tell me that she was walking through the store.. I believe it may have been Wal-mart.. when my aunt (the one that divorced my moms "boyfriend".. now that sounds weird but so does partner) saw her she just walked up and told her that my mom killed my father. As if she was the one who pulled the trigger. At that time my friend didn't even know that my father had died. She is standing in the middle of the store with my aunt saying the awful things to her and all she is thinking is Oh My God my friend dad is dead.. HOW FREAKING RUDE AND HURTFUL CAN YOU BE.
So now I have found out that this same aunt is now alienating her own daughter because she made a mistake. People make mistakes. Big ones small one but isn't your mothers love supposed to be unconditional? This cousin of my allegedly cheated on her husband. And while that is a HUGE mistake and very poor way to deal with problems in a marriage it doesn't mean that she should be kicked to the curb. People open your freaking eyes. I am now also hearing that her sister won't let her see her nieces and nephews with out it being under supervised visits that are only at the children's home. My cousin has been babysitting these children since they were infants and now suddenly because she cheated on her husband she can't see any of her family. I feel so bad for her. He own mother won't even talk to her. I told my mom that she needs to make sure to keep calling her and talking to her and make sure she knows that she will be there should she need anything. I can only hope that things get better with her sister and her mother. I hope this because I will never be ok with quite a few of my family members. I will never forget how they have treated my mother. There are quite a few more times they have been nothing by mean and malicious to her. I am over it. I don't want to see you all anymore. No matter how many birthday parties you invite me to I will not be there. You might just say that is my loss but I see it as your loss. GROW UP PEOPLE. I find it very sad that I am a more mature person than my aunts that are in their 50's. More mature than a few cousins that are in their late 30's. I will no longer cry because I miss you. I don't miss you anymore. You have hurt my heart, you have hurt my mom. I love her even though she has made some poor choices in her life but I will love her unconditionally for ever. I still love my father even though he made a very poor choice and it's a choice that no one will ever recover from. Yes I'm mad at him but I will always love him so very much. You all need to realize that life is short and family is an amazing thing to have and you have managed to rip it to shreds. There are so many more things I want to say but word escape me for now.
So I am going to share with you another old post that I wrote on MySpace but never opened for other people to read. It is from January of this year.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bill is still here....

Can't any one see that? Don't they see life is too short to be angry for this long.

Why can't they see that he lives on in us kids..

I love you papa.. I miss you..

another something I wrote a while back

Wrote this a while back when I was sad and thinking of my father..

--------------------------

Hello you...
I have missed you...
I have dreams and see your face...
I remember you so clearly...

There are times I sit and think...
Was there anything I could have done..
You left me so early...
We were so young...

I see your eyes.
I see your smile.
I feel your hugs.
In my dreams you haunt me.

There is so much I want to say.
So much I should have done.
I can't get you out of my head.
Can't seem to let you go.

I still love you
No matter what they say
I still love you
In my special way

I wish you would leave my dreams.
Let me sleep
I'm so tired.
to tired to weep

I love you
come back to me
I love you
Please just let me be.

History

Here is something I wrote back when I first started to blog (April.. May.. not sure of the exact date I wrote this). This one never actually made it up onto the blog. I just though it was time to share.
________________________________________

I have a tendency to space off at work. Watching out the window wishing I was out there and not in here. This job is sucking the life out of me. I figured out about a year ago that I no longer like my job and want to leave. But the same crap keeps me here just like a lot of other people that keep jobs that they don't want. I have good benefits and am paid pretty well, I have also been working here for almost 10 years so I have lots of vacation time that I can use also. That is my excuse... I won't be able to make as much money if I change jobs and I will have to start over and won't have 4 weeks of vacation that I can use. I know, it's a pretty lame excuse, but it keeps me sitting here in this cubicle hoping and praying that someone will come save me from this insanity that some people call a career and that I call torture.

I am just a few months into 29 years old, divorced, and now 4 years into a relationship with Eric. Don't have any kids yet, however I have managed to acquire four cats (it's 3 cats now) and a dog. We live in this beautiful old house that was Eric's Grandfathers. Beautiful is a relative term here though, the place still needs a lot of work, but it is a nice home. Two stories with 4 bedrooms and a basement, large attic, entry hall, living room, eat in kitchen and formal dining room that we turned into a library. Sounds pretty great I know, but for some reason it doesn't quite fit me. I'm pretty sure it's because it doesn't get enough sun light inside. We also have a really neat greenhouse in the back yard that is currently being used as storage but I hope to one day turn it into a studio for me to do art. The other really nice thing about this house is that there is no mortgage. The house has been in the family for so long that it was paid off some time ago so all we have are the utilities and taxes to pay. All in all it is a pretty great deal.

I also own a house in a neighboring town. The town I grew up in. I bought the house in 1999, two years before I got married. I just couldn't stand the thought of getting rid of the house after the divorce and after I moved in with Eric so I rented it out to a friend of Eric's about a year ago. He only stayed for 6 months and never paid his last month in rent. Left the house in a bit of shambles also. Don't think I can go through that again. I've since then become ok with selling the place so I am going to fix it up and hopefully get it sold soon. It was really hard for me to finally make that decision but it was the only thing that made sense. I have been through so much with that house it is really hard to think that someday it won't belong to me anymore and it will be creating new memories with a new family.

So I suppose I should say something about the past 9 years or so... In 1999 I got this job, working in the Prepress Department of a publishing company. This job enabled me to buy my first house. Jeff, my boyfriend at the time, had not so good credit and I had none being so young, so we were unable to rent an apartment. So the next best thing to do was buy. I bought the house on my own, I decided it wasn't a good idea to put Jeff's name on the house since we weren't married. It was a grand day when I bought that place, we had been living in his parents house for almost a year and my poor animals were tired of being cooped up in a small bedroom(as so was I).

So we moved in and began our life at that place we got to call home. Two years later we decided to get married. By then we had been together for 6 years and it only seemed right to make it official. I loved him dearly and never thought I could love anyone more than I loved him. We got married on February 10, 2001. While it was a cheap wedding it was quite beautiful. I decorated it to look like a winter wonderland and it just so happened to snow like crazy the night before the wedding so it all worked out for me. I was so happy that day. Finally marrying that beautiful man that I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life.

During that time my parents weren't doing so well. My mom had moved out of the house and was living with a friend. They had apparently been having problems for quite a while, though they were good at hiding it. My wedding was pretty hard on my father. He held me so tight when we danced I had to take very short breaths in order to not pass out. He told me to always remember my vows. If I get in hard times with Jeff to always remember my vows.

Later that year, I'm sure no one can forget, the twin towers fell. I remember standing in my department here at work realizing what just happened. I don't remember any sounds, just silence. Looking out the windows facing West into the empty sky. It seemed to me that even the birds stopped flying that day. For a moment the whole world to me stood still, and just a second later it seemed like everything was then moving as though someone hit the fast forward button. All I could hear were people talking and peoples computers with the news on and radios talking about the planes. People leaving work to get their kids. I just sat down and was silent. I don't think I called anyone. I believe I might have received a phone call from my big brother and maybe my mother. I remember so badly wanting to call my dad. I just didn't know what to say. Ever since mom and dad split I didn't know how to talk to him. I could always just see and feel the sadness oozing off him. It seemed as if his pain choked me and I just couldn't speak. I wish I had called him, I should have called him.

Two months later, the Sunday after Thanksgiving my dad shot and killed himself. Even today, seven years later, it's still hard to believe he is gone. I still have bad days where I wish he was here because he was always the one to help me when I wasn't feeling good about something. He had the most perfect hugs that made all the pain go way. It still hurts me that he won't be here to see his grandchildren. Or to see us kids grow up and become whoever we become as we get older. He wasn't here to see his youngest son graduate from high school. Or to mentor him with his welding. Today the only things I have left of him are his tools and my memories of him. I remember sitting on my couch when my mom told us what happened. Both my brothers, Jeff and I were at my house when it finally came out. I remember crying only because I knew that is what people expected of me. To fall apart and cry. I really just wanted to get up and go for a walk and be silent. I think I already knew he was gone by the time mom told us what was going on. I think of my older brother Jason who was outside our family house when it happened. How he kept his composure through that and later fell apart in my arms after the funeral. I only cried hard in front of other people a few times. The only time I let myself succumb to the pain of his death was when I was alone in my house. I never really let anyone see how badly he hurt me. Many nights alone by myself I sat in the middle of my living room floor screaming at him and asking him why. Crying and in so much pain from him doing this to our family but loving him so much that I could never hate him. I would sob until my body was sore and my face was raw from wiping away the tears and snot. My shirt and pants would be soaked. Finally exhausted so much that I couldn't cry anymore I would get up and take a shower and go to bed.

I think that watching my parents marriage fall apart it made me look a little closer to what was going on in my marriage. I felt that after the first year things just started to fall apart. It seemed that Jeff's friends became more important to him than me, and that what he wanted was more important than what was better for us. Perhaps I was being selfish but don't we all have to be at some point? To me the marriage just wasn't that anymore, it was more like a roommate that happened to sleep in the same bed. He would go to work on Saturday and come home pack up and head to Lawrence and sometimes not come back till Monday. I just started to feel so alone. I began to cling to his brother Ick (his real name is Eric.. but since there are two Erics in this story I am going to refer to Jeff's brother by his nickname Ick), and his friends. Everyday Ick and friends would show up at my house and we would all hang out, or go over to Ick's house and play cards or just sit around and talk and smoke. Every Tuesday we would go out to a bar and drink till 3am and it just seemed like Jeff really didn't care. Jeff would spend his evenings in the office playing on the computer. He seemed to engulf himself with his on-line computer games and his role-playing games that he played in Lawrence with his friends. I can remember days that he would come home from work and I would ask how his day went and he just didn't want to talk about it. But he loved talking about his video games or role-playing games. It was always about "if I could just get this many more dexterity points or if I could only do this one thing then I'd have this cool new power". I was just so over it.

So I decided to end my marriage in 2004. It just seemed unfair to me to try and make Jeff be something he obviously didn't want to be, or unfair to me to keep living my married life feeling so alone. I remember the night when I finally told him. We were both in bed and I think I might have been crying. I suddenly felt this huge weight fall on my chest. It felt like I sunk down in the bed a few inches because of this weight I knew at that time that I had to tell him it was over. I sat up and just said it. It was weird how calm everything was that night. I remember something about Jeff saying that the house was of course mine and that he would like to keep the Jeep. The next morning he left the house with a few of his things and stayed at a friends. The rest was an emotional blur. Me and him crying and yelling in the living room. Packing up his things. I felt like a failure. I had failed Jeff, failed at marriage and failed my father. I loved Jeff so much still but I just couldn't go on feeling that way and it seemed that I couldn't get how I was feeling through no matter how I put it to him that I finally gave up. Even to this day I sometimes wonder if I should have done things differently.

Jeff and I still talk on occasion. He has now moved out to Las Vegas and seems to be pretty happy out there. I think about him all the time, hoping that he is doing well and taking care of himself. I do miss my friend, probably more than he realizes. He called me about 2 years after we split and got a divorce to tell me that he realizes what happened. That he understood my frustration and that he was sorry. I'm glad that we can still talk and be friends.

Now I have Eric. I met Eric through Jeff actually. I think I was 17 when I first met him when Jeff took me to his friends house. They may have been playing role-playing games or table-top games, I can't remember. I was so shy back then but I do remember him. I was sitting on the couch when he walked in. I think we both said hi to each other before he went downstairs. I always thought he was an interesting guy. I really didn't get to know him until things started falling apart in my marriage years later.

Eric started hanging out with Ick and I after he was in a car accident and wasn't able to drive or work for 6 months. So Ick and I would go pick him up and bring him back to my house or Ick's house and we would all hang out. If it was the weekend we all (the whole group of friends) might stay the night at Ick's house and hang out all weekend. Everyone saw the problems in my marriage. Even Ick, Jeff's brother, saw it. We would invite Jeff over with us and he would rather stay home. Or he would go home on the weekend and I would stay there. It all just didn't fit.

After I ended it with Jeff it seemed everyone disappeared. No one called, or wanted to hang out anymore. Granted I do understand why. Ick was Jeff's brother. It just didn't make since for him to hang out with me anymore. The only person that would call me to go out or just hang out and talk was Eric. We still went out on Tuesday nights to see a friend play at a local bar, or go out to a local Irish Pub to see another friend play. Then one day our friendship turned into something more. We were sitting on my couch watching Master and Commander, he looked over at me with this look that I don't think I can explain...longing, loving something along those lines, and then it was over. We were stuck together like bees on honey, and have been ever since.

We have now been together for almost 4 years, and I am trying my best to hold on to it with all my might.

funny message between me and my brother..

2:23:55 PM Jason: psst

2:24:01 PM Dahnks: yes...

2:24:33 PM Jason: you wouldn't happen to have a dollar or so just lyin' aroudn with nothing to do, wouldja?

2:26:14 PM Dahnks: well... let me as them to make sure they don't have any plans.. not sure.. they might be partying in my purse right now.. and may not want to leave.

2:26:44 PM Jason: well, damn.

2:28:29 PM Dahnks: lucky you.. one had already passed out from partying so hard... the others were getting ready to put whipped cream on his face.. He is now here on my desk passed out and i'm sure will wake with a horrible hangover.. but if you use him quickly I won't have to put up with his whiny ass tomorrow.

2:28:48 PM Jason: hehe

2:31:34 PM Jason: poor bastard will wake up squeezed between a sweaty old geezer and someone who's been taped together one-too-many times... if he's lucky he'll be sandwiched between 2 young crispies straight outta the mint...

2:31:39 PM Jason: ... but not likely.

2:31:48 PM Dahnks: LOL

Sick today

Today I am sick. Stuck at home sitting in the chair in the living room. Blowing my nose, sneezing, coughing, trying to rest and get better. Today I think.. Isn't life a funny tragic thing?! So my brother breaks up with his girlfriend. Sad yes.. but is it. They argue all the time. He always seemed unhappy in that relationship to me. So now it's over.. and I feel bad. Funny isn't it.. I hated them together and now that they are over I feel like crap over it. I hope it wasn't something that I said. And how unfair to him that I say this now, after the fact. I love him, probably more than he will ever realize. I want so much for him. I want happiness that comes easy. He has been through so much for a 21 year old. To lose his father at the fragile age of 15. He was such a young boy. Am I over protective.. yeah.. I can't seem to help it. Most people see it as nagging or picking on him. I'm sorry for that, I just can't seem to stop. Maybe I have no tact in telling him that I care and that I want the best for him and to give him advice or to tell him what I think of what is going on. I just hope that in the years to come that we can be close. That we can talk and be grown up together. I want to be able to call and have long conversations together and talk about life and jobs and kids. I want to have dinners where he and his kids and wife come over and we laugh and talk to the wee hours of the morning. I want our kids to get along and play together. I want that with both my brothers. But I especially want it with my little brother. Maybe because there was so much arguing when we were little. We didn't get along so much then. I heard that he felt more like he had two mothers and no sister. That made me sad. There is 8 years between us.. it's a hard gap to fill, but I think we can do it. Nick.. If you ever read this.. I love you.. - Big Sis

sadly not yet..

Another month has gone by and I am still not pregnant. Eric and I have been trying since January and we haven't had any luck yet. It's only been 4 months, which isn't very long but I hoped it was going to be easy, but apparently this is going to have to be something I have to endure. Least that's what it feels like. I was pretty heart broken the first month after we started trying to get pregnant. I told myself to buck-up.. other people try for years and you have only really given it one good month. So we kept trying.. I was good the past few months when I found out I wasn't pregnant. I was OK.. ready to try again the next month. Not upset, not worried, not frustrated. This month was different. I don't know why but Sunday hit along with a horrible bout of the cramps and I lost it. I was pretty upset, crying on Eric shoulder wondering if we should have kids or not... He consoled me, and said we will just try again.. We were busy a few days and weren't able to be together as much as we should have so again this month we try again.. We have been discussing the idea of using an ovulation kit. I just can't decide... they can be pretty expensive. Eric suggests that we give it another month...

I don't know what I would do without Eric.. He is so patient with me. I can be such an emotional wreck and he just sits by and lets me get through it. He doesn't get mad or upset at me.. he is just there when I need him the most and lets me cry and gives me the best hugs.

I can only hope that when we do get pregnant that I can be as good as a mother as mine and our kids can be as patient with people as Eric.