losing hope

i'm losing hope with this.

every time i turn around something else happens that makes me feel like i'm constantly walking backwards away from my goal.. not toward it.

insurance - won't pay
bad count - sad day
insurance - can't get what i need when i need it
dr. office - wrong info
dr. office - not enough info
myself - just not working right..

i'm beginning to wonder if all this misery is worth it.. the pain, the money, the crying, the constant 2 steps forward 15 steps backward.  of course it will be if the goal is reached.. but there is no way to determine how long it will take.  there is no mile markers to show i'm closer.. i'm in the dark and will continue to be until it just happens.. if it happens.

how much more can i take before i just throw my hands up and say screw it.  i'm done.


today i'm just pissed and angry and wants to just be at home.

a mess i don't know how to clean up..

...then again i probably do.

ugg.. my life is a mess.. actually it's not my life so much as it is my house!! which then makes my life feel like a mess..

This place is a disaster. I'm really not sure what to do with it.

I want to simplify. I want to purge. I want to make this easier on myself. I want to walk into my house and feel relaxed not stressed about the mess.

I've been reading a couple of blogs lately about people simplifying their lives. out of necessity (saving money), out of just wanting to, out of the fact that they are about to embark on a year long journey in an RV. (now that really sounds fun) So they all have limited amounts of clothing and things. They choose the things that are necessary for day to day living and then a few things they just can't live without. all the other stuff .... they sell or give away.

To me that sounds liberating. just let a lot of it go. I want to do that! I don't know how to do that...

I don't think i could pair down my clothes to only one or two weeks worth. it would however make laundry easier. Eric and I did just go through all of our clothes and I now have 9 paper grocery bags of clothes sitting in my entry that we need to give away. I think all in all we did good there. but I still have a lot of clothes. Lets not even talk about shoes! Though i'm doing better. I did pair down because I found a laundry basket of shoes in the closet that I haven't even looked at for a year. I looked at them thinking.. oohh.. shoes... then said screw it.. and they are now in the pile to give away. I could probably even get rid of a few more... which i think i will probably do around summer.


we also recently went through all the books in the library. We pulled a lot that we don't want any more and we need to take them up to the half price book store and see how many they will take. The money we make off those will go toward a new mattress.


But it's really all the other stuff around the house... i look around and all i see is stuff i have to clean or dust. And if you know me.. i don't really do either of those things. ugg.. I don't mind cleaning but there is SO MUCH STUFF that I have to dust, vacuum, clean off, move and clean under.. blah.

I really want to just go room to room and just start tossing things. but i don't just want to toss them in the trash. though I'd do it just to get them out of my house!! But really... that isn't the best thing to do. But then I have all this crap sitting around my house in boxes, bags, piles that i need to give, sell, take somewhere.. and as I have mentioned before. LAZY...

Those bags of clothes.. they have already been there for almost a week. the books.. a couple of weeks. there is crap on the front porch that has been there for months that i need to give away.

a garage/yard sale is out of the questions (lazy). I have NO patients for them. Ebay.. yeah right. Eric is constantly talking about selling the crap we want to get rid of on ebay.. umm that was years ago. hasn't sold one thing on there yet! Actually have 3 boxes of Magic cards sitting right beside me now in the office that he needs to get rid of. ugg.. all that makes the dumpster look lovely. (but I won't do it)

Pairing down is such a hard thing to do for me with some things. I also think it is even harder for Eric. Though he is not as bad has his grandfather (thanks bob.. we still have some of your crap in our basement, and under the carport and floating around in our house) but he likes his stuff.

Another problem of ours.. mail.. oh the dreaded mail. if I ever don't make it into work someday it's probably because a pile of mail and papers of some sort have fallen on top of me an I am pinned under it.. probably dead by the shear mass of it all. I have gone to paperless billing on any of my bills that will let me.. so my contribution to this mess has dwindled.. but it still comes. and I try to throw things away.. it's the stuff we need to keep and organize that we have problems with. I probably already have a kid and just don't know it because it is shoved somewhere in one of the many stacks of papers we have around the house.


I have too much of everything.. to many dishes and silverware and tupperware.. it sure would make doing dishes easier if I didn't have all that crap! I would still definitely keep all my really nice stuff that I only get out on special occasions but really.. why do I need like 50 forks!!! that is insane! And because I hate doing dishes.. i will use ALL of them before I do dishes.. then it takes me a week to get caught up.. again INSANE!

simplify.. my home.. my life..

I really want to be able to buy the things I really like but not burden myself with the clutter. don't they always say less is more. everything in moderation..

granted I will never get rid of all my books.. i love books. I'd rather go down to 5... no 4.. maybe even 3 pairs of shoes before I got rid of my books.

I just need to figure out how i'm going to do it and how i'm going to convince my husband to go along with it when I say I want to get rid of the statues on top of the TV armoire. I think i will win on somethings.. and lose big time on others..

I want to try.. i need to. I need to lighten my load and my house. get my ass off the couch/computer chair and get to gettin.

wish me luck!

manners.. or lack there of

So.. I'm ticked. I was on hold with the doctors office for 20 minutes!!! waiting for them to find my files to be faxed over to another doctor. 20 FREAKING MINUTES! And after twenty minutes.. after I told them that I'm still on hold they just put me on hold again. WTF! I was trying to talk to the lady and she didn't even bother to try to listen. Just hit the hold button again!
What a freaking joke! Maybe it is a good thing I'm changing doctors! (also.. their musak sucked ass) I'll try again later perhaps it will be easier.

Stupidness..

So.. I'm at home sitting on my ass while I should be working on stuff around the house. I suppose there is always tomorrow.
Today I want to talk about something that may make some people upset with me. Which I'm willing to risk it as it is something that I have wanted to talk about for many years.
Today when I got home my mother called me and we got to talking about the family. Again the family is becoming divided again. Over the past 10 or so years (maybe a little bit longer) my family has slowly been torn apart by family members that are petty and immature.
When I was young I had this amazing family. My moms side of the family all live in within the metro area around her. We got together for every birthday, every holiday or any reason we could think of to have some kind of family gathering. I remember my mom on the phone every night talking to one of her 3 sisters for at least an hour. I grew up being babysat by my older cousins and spending many weekends with my cousins that were my age. I have a cousin that grew up with me that was like a sister. We hung out all the time. Every Christmas my mom would take us kids to one of her sisters houses and we would create chocolate candy. I just remember growing up around this family that loved me and that everyone loved each other. I just remember growing up with all this family and always thought it was pretty amazing and neat that everyone enjoyed being around each other.
As time has gone on and we have all grown up and I'm now watching my cousins children grow up it is amazing how the family has changed. I remember when I started noticing the family falling apart. I think it started when one of my aunts was going through a divorce. The problem is that the man she was getting a divorce from was a good friend of my moms and had been a close friend of the family for many years before he even married my aunt. My mom has been friends with him since they both were teenagers. My mother also worked for him. So during this divorce my mom decided to not take sides. She wanted to respect her good friend and her sister by stepping out. However her sister saw it differently. So differently in fact that she felt it was necessary to corner my mother at a family function in the kitchen and call her a bitch. It just seemed to get worse from there. Another incident that happened around the time of that divorce is when my grandfather (my mothers father) had a heart attack and was in and out of the hospital. My older brother and I went to visit him and as we were leaving that same aunt was coming into the room and never even looked at me or said hi or asked how we were doing. I was pretty hurt. I never did anything to that woman to make her dislike me. I feel now that she doesn't like me due to the fact that I am the child of her sister that decided to stay neutral. 
The following year or two later (I'm not exactly sure when) my mother and father started having problems. First my dad moved out of the house.. then back in and I think maybe he moved out twice. Then finally my mother moved out and that was that. It was a pretty hard time for everyone. It was a crazy blur to me. I was at the time was planning a wedding and trying to get through the first year of the new marriage. My dad took everything pretty hard. In November that same year my dad committed suicide. You might think that when something so tragic like this happens that is when family's would pull together but in fact it was quite the opposite. I don't know if I've ever felt so alienated from my family. Not my mother or brothers but my aunts and cousins that I grew up with. The ones that I was so close with as a young child. People started blaming my mother for everything that happened. It was her fault that he was gone and her fault that he did what he did. I never felt so alone than at that time. I remember crying a lot not only for the loss of my father but for the loss of my family. At that time it was like going through more than one death in the family. It probably took about a year for me to finally get over being so hurt to finally becoming mad.
So another thing to make the family even more pissed at my mother.. She started seeing that friend of hers that used to be married to her sister. Yes even I had a hard time with that in the beginning. I can't say that I know the whole story of when they exactly got together or how it all happened but they are still together today and happy. I understand why people in the family would be upset but so many years later you would only hope that maybe they would see that they are happy and as weird as it was in the beginning that it fits. I told my mother that the thing that was the most important was to be sure that whatever she does that it should make her happy. If that means being with her sisters ex then so be it.
So now I don't go to see my family at any of the functions. I am tired of people wanting to talk to me to find out some gossip or to just be nosey. They have pissed me off so much that I just don't care anymore. They have been rude and down right nasty to my mother. I won't be rude to them when I am around them but I'm not going to sugar coat things and pretend that they haven't upset me. So now I just won't purposefully put myself in situations where I have to be around them.
Last year I met up with an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. She proceeded to tell me that she was walking through the store.. I believe it may have been Wal-mart.. when my aunt (the one that divorced my moms "boyfriend".. now that sounds weird but so does partner) saw her she just walked up and told her that my mom killed my father. As if she was the one who pulled the trigger. At that time my friend didn't even know that my father had died. She is standing in the middle of the store with my aunt saying the awful things to her and all she is thinking is Oh My God my friend dad is dead.. HOW FREAKING RUDE AND HURTFUL CAN YOU BE.
So now I have found out that this same aunt is now alienating her own daughter because she made a mistake. People make mistakes. Big ones small one but isn't your mothers love supposed to be unconditional? This cousin of my allegedly cheated on her husband. And while that is a HUGE mistake and very poor way to deal with problems in a marriage it doesn't mean that she should be kicked to the curb. People open your freaking eyes. I am now also hearing that her sister won't let her see her nieces and nephews with out it being under supervised visits that are only at the children's home. My cousin has been babysitting these children since they were infants and now suddenly because she cheated on her husband she can't see any of her family. I feel so bad for her. He own mother won't even talk to her. I told my mom that she needs to make sure to keep calling her and talking to her and make sure she knows that she will be there should she need anything. I can only hope that things get better with her sister and her mother. I hope this because I will never be ok with quite a few of my family members. I will never forget how they have treated my mother. There are quite a few more times they have been nothing by mean and malicious to her. I am over it. I don't want to see you all anymore. No matter how many birthday parties you invite me to I will not be there. You might just say that is my loss but I see it as your loss. GROW UP PEOPLE. I find it very sad that I am a more mature person than my aunts that are in their 50's. More mature than a few cousins that are in their late 30's. I will no longer cry because I miss you. I don't miss you anymore. You have hurt my heart, you have hurt my mom. I love her even though she has made some poor choices in her life but I will love her unconditionally for ever. I still love my father even though he made a very poor choice and it's a choice that no one will ever recover from. Yes I'm mad at him but I will always love him so very much. You all need to realize that life is short and family is an amazing thing to have and you have managed to rip it to shreds. There are so many more things I want to say but word escape me for now.
So I am going to share with you another old post that I wrote on MySpace but never opened for other people to read. It is from January of this year.
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Bill is still here....

Can't any one see that? Don't they see life is too short to be angry for this long.

Why can't they see that he lives on in us kids..

I love you papa.. I miss you..

nothing to write about

I have nothing much to write about. Mostly because everything that is going on right now I can't write about... for fear of getting fired perhaps. Most of my frustrations and things happening right now are work related. Of course then there is the I'm BROKE!! problem which is totally irritating. Can't even pay a couple of bills this month... well they will just be late.. but it still sucks! I just wish I had everything under control again.. feels a bit chaotic lately (But my kitchen is clean!)

Sigh.. ok.. off to work. Maybe next month I'll have something fun to write about.

wondering..

why is it that I can't seem to have what I want in life.. I'm so close that I can taste it but it still seems so far away.

A Dream of Mine: To be able to stay home with my family and my pets. To get up when the dew is still wet on the trees and to walk into my backyard during the quite morning. Open the door and turn on some quiet peaceful music. Turn on my wheel and feel the wet clay between my fingers. The heat off the kiln to fire my next piece. The coolness of the piece that I dried last night and to contemplate what colors it wants to be. I can hear the birds.. the jingle of my dogs tags that hangs from their collars. The morning sun shining through the roof of my little room in my garden. To go inside once the afternoon sun hits high in the sky to take a break and wake Eric from morning slumber. Eat.. relax.. Post a pic of my newly finished piece, shiny and plump like that pregnant woman I saw while shopping the other day. I painted it green like the shirt she was wearing.. the lovely curves make me smile and think of that woman who will never know how much she inspired me. Go to the store to pick up some pasta and fresh veggies for our dinner tonight. Sit back on the deck with my furry kids and my Eric and enjoy before I pack food for his nightly patrol. Sit in the library and read more of that book for my book club later that weekend. I love those girls and our get-togethers. Call it a night and climb into bed and snuggle up to Eric's pillow and take in his smell and wait for him to come home in the morning and wrap his heavy arm over me. Bask in that moment for a while and get up and start it all over again.

--- It's a beautiful dream.. I hope I can make it happen.. Wish me luck.
-dlh

depressed..

So I've been depressed for a while now. I just really don't know how to get out of this funk. I keep thinking that something needs to happen so I quit feeling like I'm being held underwater against my will.. not that I would want to be held underwater for any reason. just sayin..

Today I woke up with this pure hatred for Eric's computer. Why does his computer get so much of his time! I'm sure I'm overreacting.

I also am currently having issues with my job.. which I won't go into detail here as I just read about someone getting fired from their job due to it. But I'll tell you this.. right now I think work just really SUCKS!

Then there is this overwhelming sense that my life isn't where it should be right now. I'm supposed to be at home with my kid(s) taking care of my home and my husband and spending time with my family. And I feel so far away from that. Even though I don't have kids yet.. and I'm not married yet.. I still feel like being at work is making depressed. As I get older my days go by so much faster and I feel like there is so much that I am missing.. Time with Eric, time with my brothers and my nephew, time with my mom or with Eric's mom. This time that I am missing because I am at work scares me. I feel like it is all slipping through my fingers and it is time I'll never be able to get back. Memories that I should be making and cherishing and instead I'm sitting in a cube farm with people that either don't get me or don't respect me. I do respect many people here at work and their dedication to their job and what they do and I think that is great. I so used to be that person.. but these past few years that feeling in me has changed. I want to have the ability to clean my house when it is daylight outside. I don't want to spend my entire weekend working on my house and doing chores. My weekends are for me. They are my time to spend with Eric doing what ever we want to do even if that means sleeping till 2 in the afternoon and vegging on the couch all day, never once thinking about all the laundry that needs to be done. My house is in total chaos right now and that just makes all this worse. I just don't feel like I have time to keep up with it. I get up every morning and go to work from 8 to whenever they will let me out of here.. which is usually at or after 5. I then have a 30 (and sometimes more) drive home. I then figure out what I'm going to have for dinner eat and by then it is close to 8. Eric and I sit and talk or watch TV for a few before he has to get ready for work.. I then prepare his dinner and get it all packaged up and ready to go.. He leaves around 9:30 to go to work.. Then the day is done.. I usually have no energy to do anything around the house and go lie down in bed with a book or my laptop until I can't keep my head up any longer and the next day I do the same crap again.
I just feel that I should be doing so much more than sitting in my cube in the corporate world. I'm really ok with having a job but at the moment I can't take a pay cut so leaving is really out of the question until I sell my old house.
The problem is that I've lost all energy to try and make it better anymore. I just want something to happen and "Poof" it's all better. I know this is not how it works... but I can't seem to fix myself right now.. Let alone all this other crap.

I need a permanent vacation..

Annoyed

People are just really annoying the shit out of me today!! I wish they would all just go away!

it's been so long

It's been a while since I've written.. Life has been pretty pleasant lately. Well.. of course other than the flip out I had last week. (Lets just blame that on PMS) I'm pretty excited about this week. I have dinner with Christy tomorrow. It's been really nice getting together with her again. Plus we eat sushi.. so that makes it all better! This week is also a short week for me. Thursday is Eric's an my 4 year anniversary. Can't hardly believe it has been so long. Time has just flown by. I don't think there is anything special planned but I thought it was a good excuse to take some time off work. It makes for a 5 day weekend! Nothin' much better than that! Think we are going to go to our favorite Italian restaurant.
So to recap this weekend... Eric finally got some time off after working 19 days in a row. I baked cookies on Saturday and took them to book club with me. This week we talked about Blink. Good book.. neat ideas.. hard to read. The guy kept repeating himself. I agree with Michelle, every chapter started off really good but then it all just became so repetitious that it just made it very hard to read. Next book will be Eat Pray Love. I already finished the book. I really loved it. I might even read it again. So I left Jill's house from the book club around 5:00 and went home to spend a weekend with my boy. He hadn't even taken a shower when I got there.. just a pain in the ass.. but I love him. So he got dressed and then we headed out for food at Jason's Deli. I had a wonderful sandwich, the California Club, despite the people there. I really can't stand going into a restaurant where the workers despise their jobs so much they find the customers to be an annoyance. If you hate your job so much go the fuck home! I've worked in the food business for many years. I know what it is like to have a dinner rush right before you close. Get over it.. and take my order without having an attitude! Anyway.. Eric had a salad and a very small portion of my sandwich. We then headed out to the theater to see Iron Man. We really enjoyed the movie. Looks like there is going to be more! I think that will be exciting. We then headed home and called it a night. Sunday was nice.. The weather was perfect this weekend. We headed out and got some shopping done, which made for a long day. Seemed like it was all a bit of a bust anyway. So we went to Lowes, Sams Club, Bed Bath & Beyond and Target. Of course we did all this shopping in Independence which made it worse. I hate all the stores in Independence. They never carry what I need or want at the time. I still don't know why I bother. It is just as fast to go up to Liberty. After all the shopping we were exhausted so we went home and ate some dinner and I fell asleep on the couch. All in all it was a pretty lovely weekend. I think this coming weekend will be just as good! I'm really glad Eric is getting Saturdays and Sundays off now. Plus me having 5 days off in a row won't hurt!
Till then!

Sick today

Today I am sick. Stuck at home sitting in the chair in the living room. Blowing my nose, sneezing, coughing, trying to rest and get better. Today I think.. Isn't life a funny tragic thing?! So my brother breaks up with his girlfriend. Sad yes.. but is it. They argue all the time. He always seemed unhappy in that relationship to me. So now it's over.. and I feel bad. Funny isn't it.. I hated them together and now that they are over I feel like crap over it. I hope it wasn't something that I said. And how unfair to him that I say this now, after the fact. I love him, probably more than he will ever realize. I want so much for him. I want happiness that comes easy. He has been through so much for a 21 year old. To lose his father at the fragile age of 15. He was such a young boy. Am I over protective.. yeah.. I can't seem to help it. Most people see it as nagging or picking on him. I'm sorry for that, I just can't seem to stop. Maybe I have no tact in telling him that I care and that I want the best for him and to give him advice or to tell him what I think of what is going on. I just hope that in the years to come that we can be close. That we can talk and be grown up together. I want to be able to call and have long conversations together and talk about life and jobs and kids. I want to have dinners where he and his kids and wife come over and we laugh and talk to the wee hours of the morning. I want our kids to get along and play together. I want that with both my brothers. But I especially want it with my little brother. Maybe because there was so much arguing when we were little. We didn't get along so much then. I heard that he felt more like he had two mothers and no sister. That made me sad. There is 8 years between us.. it's a hard gap to fill, but I think we can do it. Nick.. If you ever read this.. I love you.. - Big Sis

Can't they figure out a better system!!!

So now I'm irritated..

So Eric and I weren't paying much attention this weekend and we didn't realize that we didn't get his schedule in. It's been the exact same thing for the past 3 or 4 weeks so we just didn't realize that we didn't get a new schedule.

Come to find out he was supposed to work last night and have Saturday and Sunday off!! That just pisses me off. We could have had the entire weekend but instead their system of sending schedules failed to work and we never got the changes.

They insist on faxing schedules.. WTF.. Haven't they heard of email.. they could then confirm easily that the person got it. Stupid people.

I really hate this company that he is working for. Really wish he would get a different job.
But I suppose that would be more for me than for him. I wish he had a job with the same hours as me.. I'm selfish and I want to have more time with him. I want it to be easier for us to plan things like days off or evenings together.

Gonna have to start buying lottery tickets so we can win lots of money... might be the only way we will get the ability to spend more time together.

..sorry for the pity party..