I wanted to write something. it's not much. but here goes..
things i want..
new phone
new clothes
new house
complete knowledge of/about my new job
energy/want to do house work
fingernail polish
things i need...
an understanding and thoughtful husband
a great set of friends
a roof over my head
my health
a loving & supportive family
food
a stable job
time to smile and laugh with my husband, friends & family
nieces & nephews that are cuter than bugs ears
things i have...
a absolutely wonderful husband
ability to learn and go to training for my new job which is stable
mostly healthy
the most amazing friends ever that come hang out with me and let me hang out with them and play silly games and watch silly movies and can laugh the night away with and will let me cry and lend me their shoulder when I need it
a home that while isn't a dream really isn't as bad as i can make it out to be
the ability to purchase the food that is needed and wanted at times
some of the best brothers and sister-in-laws and mothers and fathers and more than this girl could ask for
plenty of clothes while not new and shiny more than enough to get me through
the ability to have a nice phone while not the newest and the most fanciest it works and keeps me in touch with the people that I love
the funniest and most beautiful niece and nephew that make me gush with pride just when i hear them say my name.. can't wait to have a whole gaggle of them to make me laugh and gush with pride, for those are MY nieces and nephews!
So what do i not have...
the energy to do housework
fingernail polish
I think i'm doing pretty darn good!
Happy 2011
May you have what you need and see that you already have what you want.
all my love,
d
12.11.2010
lost in a world of baby bumps
It's so hard to see pregnant women right now. They are everywhere. My good friend Jen is pregnant... so freaking cute pregnant. While I'm so happy for all these women it also makes me frustrated and sometimes angry. Fortunately I'm no longer angry at pregnant women, as one time i used to be and would give them dirty looks, but now I'm just frustrated that I can't seem to join their club.
I find myself staring at young families and pregnant women. I just can't help myself.. but it always makes me sad. I was telling my husband today at lunch that I just wish the doctors would tell me that I won't ever be able to have a baby so that I can just move on out of this frustration of trying and constantly being upset at the end of every month. Least that way I would know what was going on and could then figure out what we needed to do next.. least I would have a direction instead of feeling like I'm out to sea with the wind blowing in all different directions and no way to control which way I am going.
This evening I got onto People.com to look around.. it's pretty much the only place I can stand to go to check out celebrity news. But I see these pictures of all these pregnant celebrities.. I see how they hold their bellies.. or the way their husbands look at them. I so want that.. I want my husband to place his big hand on my growing baby belly and just look at me with such great love and wonderment of the child if his that I am carrying. I'm actually quite terrified that that will never happen for me.
So far.. we are now closing in on 4 years of trying to get pregnant. When my last cycle started I just about lost it all.. I wanted to be done. I don't understand and was so completely ready to just let it all go.. wash my hands of it all. I really just hoped that I would at least get pregnant this year.. but that is now no longer feasible.
We have decided that in January that we will see about going to a specialist. The problem is that I'm not so sure we will be able to afford much of any help. We will have to see what insurance will help cover. But then I'm not even sure what kind of treatment they will want to put me on or if I'm even willing to go through with it.
I'll be 32 in one month.. i wanted to have 3 or 4 children.. now I'm afraid that i may not even have one.. and that my time is running out for me to have a large family.
I'm sad... if there was some magic pill that i can swallow would someone let me know? thanks..
I find myself staring at young families and pregnant women. I just can't help myself.. but it always makes me sad. I was telling my husband today at lunch that I just wish the doctors would tell me that I won't ever be able to have a baby so that I can just move on out of this frustration of trying and constantly being upset at the end of every month. Least that way I would know what was going on and could then figure out what we needed to do next.. least I would have a direction instead of feeling like I'm out to sea with the wind blowing in all different directions and no way to control which way I am going.
This evening I got onto People.com to look around.. it's pretty much the only place I can stand to go to check out celebrity news. But I see these pictures of all these pregnant celebrities.. I see how they hold their bellies.. or the way their husbands look at them. I so want that.. I want my husband to place his big hand on my growing baby belly and just look at me with such great love and wonderment of the child if his that I am carrying. I'm actually quite terrified that that will never happen for me.
So far.. we are now closing in on 4 years of trying to get pregnant. When my last cycle started I just about lost it all.. I wanted to be done. I don't understand and was so completely ready to just let it all go.. wash my hands of it all. I really just hoped that I would at least get pregnant this year.. but that is now no longer feasible.
We have decided that in January that we will see about going to a specialist. The problem is that I'm not so sure we will be able to afford much of any help. We will have to see what insurance will help cover. But then I'm not even sure what kind of treatment they will want to put me on or if I'm even willing to go through with it.
I'll be 32 in one month.. i wanted to have 3 or 4 children.. now I'm afraid that i may not even have one.. and that my time is running out for me to have a large family.
I'm sad... if there was some magic pill that i can swallow would someone let me know? thanks..
11.22.2010
a journey (on my head): days 3 & 4
Sorry I didn't get to posting day 3 yesterday. We have had a busy weekend with work on the house.
So here is day 3 and 4 all in one post!
Day 3:
I can tell it's really starting to break up and the scabs are breaking loose from my scalp. I was able to comb quite a bit out of it however there is still quite a bit to go.
I've been wearing hats a lot lately because the meds are so oily so it looks as if I haven't washed my hair in weeks.. Kinda gross actually.
So here are the pics.
You can see all the little bits that are breaking up.
Still looks nasty and my hair is still mostly plastered to my scalp. Because it is breaking up and not quite so attached to my scalp it has been harder to put a comb through it. The pick/comb will end up under one of the scabs which is quite painful. Still been loosing quite a bit of hair but I still have high hopes!
Below are the scabs that seem to be the hardest to break up. I have large ones on each side of my head close to my temples.
Tonight we are going to make sure we soak them good with the overnight oil and hope that it helps break them up!
Day 4:
I let the overnight meds sit on my head a little bit longer than normal. Mostly because I'm lazy and I stayed in bed really late because I was tired and sore from working on the house on Saturday.
I finally got up around 11am and took a shower using the T/Sal shampoo and after put the other oil on my head. Gosh I hate that stuff.. again oily hair = gross. I miss being able to do my hair and not feel like I need to wear a hat to cover it up!
But later in the day I was feeling around and i could tell that those scabs by my temples had loosened up and were no longer attached to my scalp! Sweet!!
So early in the evening I took a fine tooth comb and starting removing the scabs that it would let me.
And you know what?....
I got almost every scab off my head!! Holy Cow! Check these pictures out!
You can still see flaking but that is just loose stuff in my hair that will wash out in the morning. I got all but maybe a few tiny bits off my scalp! I can comb my hair without it hurting or catching on something, and my hair is no longer plastered to my scalp from all the buildup! I can see where I had lost hair early on and new hair had tried to grow in but I just couldn't see it under the scaling! it's short but at least it there!
I'm super excited!
We will do another really light treatment of the oil tonight and I'll wash my hair with the medicated shampoo again in the morning. I will assess then if I'm going to put the other oil in my hair as I hate to use it and I have to go to work.. and it would be nice not to have to have gross oily hair.
I am super happy I finally got this taken care of! My Husband has been wonderful in helping me put all the meds on my scalp! Many mucho thanks!
Now it's all about prevention and growing my dang hair back!
More updates later!
So here is day 3 and 4 all in one post!
Day 3:
I can tell it's really starting to break up and the scabs are breaking loose from my scalp. I was able to comb quite a bit out of it however there is still quite a bit to go.
I've been wearing hats a lot lately because the meds are so oily so it looks as if I haven't washed my hair in weeks.. Kinda gross actually.
So here are the pics.
You can see all the little bits that are breaking up.
Still looks nasty and my hair is still mostly plastered to my scalp. Because it is breaking up and not quite so attached to my scalp it has been harder to put a comb through it. The pick/comb will end up under one of the scabs which is quite painful. Still been loosing quite a bit of hair but I still have high hopes!
Below are the scabs that seem to be the hardest to break up. I have large ones on each side of my head close to my temples.
Tonight we are going to make sure we soak them good with the overnight oil and hope that it helps break them up!
Day 4:
I let the overnight meds sit on my head a little bit longer than normal. Mostly because I'm lazy and I stayed in bed really late because I was tired and sore from working on the house on Saturday.
I finally got up around 11am and took a shower using the T/Sal shampoo and after put the other oil on my head. Gosh I hate that stuff.. again oily hair = gross. I miss being able to do my hair and not feel like I need to wear a hat to cover it up!
But later in the day I was feeling around and i could tell that those scabs by my temples had loosened up and were no longer attached to my scalp! Sweet!!
So early in the evening I took a fine tooth comb and starting removing the scabs that it would let me.
And you know what?....
I got almost every scab off my head!! Holy Cow! Check these pictures out!
I'm super excited!
We will do another really light treatment of the oil tonight and I'll wash my hair with the medicated shampoo again in the morning. I will assess then if I'm going to put the other oil in my hair as I hate to use it and I have to go to work.. and it would be nice not to have to have gross oily hair.
I am super happy I finally got this taken care of! My Husband has been wonderful in helping me put all the meds on my scalp! Many mucho thanks!
Now it's all about prevention and growing my dang hair back!
More updates later!
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