Still consolidating my writing that I have been doing for awhile. This is a blog entry that was on my MySpace page that I wrote July 17, 2007.
I promise that I will post something new here real soon.
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Sometimes being alone sucks.
Some days (like tonight) I sit back and miss the days when I would have friends over almost every night. Ever since Jeff and I split up it seems that my life has gotten much emptier. Not that I don't love the guy I'm with, and he does fill my life with joy and is a great friend, it just gets lonely when he works nights and I have no one to talk to (which is most nights). I sit in this house with 3 cats and my dog and miss having people to just sit around and have a good time and laugh with. Sure seems like a long time ago when I used to go over to my brother-in-laws house and just play cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit with a group of friends. I really don't mind some days coming home and having the night to myself. But I do miss the card playing days.
I see my friends now with people they have known for many years.. They always have someone to talk to and stories to tell and inside jokes. I wonder now.. Was it me? Did something I do or something I said push people away.. am I just that forgettable? I have people I've known for many years just walk away and never say goodbye. People I used to be extremely close to and thought that we would always be friends just disappear, maybe to only be heard from again when I get an email when they need something... someone to watch their kids, someone to go help their mother with some catering job. Did the fact that I got a divorce really make people dislike me. I was a loyal friend.. I was always there if they needed me.. I still am there.. just quietly waiting.
I will admit...that once Jeff and I split I took some time out to just figure some things out. I needed some space to deal with what happened.. but the few that came around did not stay around.. the phone calls, what few there were, dwindled to none.
I'm not looking for pity here. I guess I'm just trying to understand...
I always tried to not be that pestering annoying friend.. maybe that was my downfall in not having life long friends. Maybe I tried so hard to not call too often and not say the wrong thing, to try and insure that they aren't saying about me what I've heard them say about so many other friends.. (Don't be the bitchy one.. don't say something stupid.. don't be too needy.. don't.. don't.. just don't) (don't lie.. you know we have all talked about our friends behind their backs).
WHY DO I LET THIS CRAP GET TO ME! {sigh}
Maybe now I still put too much thought into "trying" to have friends.. maybe it isn't that hard.. Maybe I just need to take the word "trying" out and just have some friends.
Surely I can figure this out.
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Anyone want to get together to play some cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit?
2 comments:
I'm here, huckleberry. I felt the same way moving to BFE. I am still here still consider you a wonderful friend. Call and 'pester' me. I lose track of time and need to be 'pestered'.
Dusty, I think you're one of the sweetest people I know. I do know how you feel about people just kind of disappearing. I had a few friends at different times just stop calling for no reason. And they don't even know each other, so I know it couldn't have been something that happened one night and they're both mad at me for it. I think people just grow apart, and they forget what's most important to them, or their ideas of what's most important changes over time. Just know that we LOVE YOU! And you are MORE THAN WELCOME to come hang out with us ANYTIME!! Josh works a lot of evenings, too, but I can't say as though I'm alone w/having the 3 kiddos, just need some adult interaction sometimes. Come over sometime and we'll have some wine and be silly. It is not anyone's place to judge you for your divorce. You're a wonderful person! Have a GREAT day!
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