Today

I feel inadequate.  I have all the bits and pieces but it is not natural for me.  It's hard and I cry and I'm afraid.  I know this will pass.  And things will be ok.  But today...   Today is not that day.  I feel inadequate....

I wish..

I watched something tonight that made me think..

Dangerous I know..

Most people think, when they lose a loved one to sucide... I wish I could have said something that would have made them change their mind. I should have been there. I didn't do enough. If only I had... They would still be here.

I've been there, I've done that...

Tonight I watched something that made me change what I wished.  

My dad ended his life almost 14 years ago. And today I change what I wish.. I wish I had known that was our last goodbye. I would have talked longer, hugged you longer. I wish I had known that was the last time I could have asked for your advise. I would have asked you to show me how to repair more things and how to deal with situations I'm afraid of. I wish I could have held your hand, rough with the life you had lived and full of their own stories. I wish I could have laughed with you one more time and listened to more of the stories of your childhood and travels. I wish we had talked about books and I had made a list of all your favorites so I could read them after you are gone and always remember you in them. I wish I could have recorded your voice singing silly songs to play for my family and now my son. 

Yes.. Of course I wish you were still here but I know there is/was likely nothing I could have done to change your course.

But had I known what I know now.. I wish... 

Honesty

This is a very very long post.. mostly of me bitching, whining, complaining and crying.. feel free to move on with your lives and skip reading this.

TL;DR: pregnancy sucked, pretty baby, postpartum sucked (still sucks)
---------------------

January 15th, 2015 I had a baby.      Me...  this girl..  the one who has many old posts about wanting a baby and having no luck.   I..  Had.. A.. Baby..

And he is beautiful.

It's true what people say.. you don't know how much you can love something till you see your child for the first time.  It's amazing, heartbreaking, breathtaking, almost traumatizing how you feel when you first see them.  And then every day after, it's the same, and I'm really ok with that.

Having this boy has also made me love my husband more.  I wasn't sure I could love him more, but apparently when a baby is born they bring extra bags to hold more love in.. and boy did this kid come with some "baggage."

I wish I could say that this whole process was heaven..
The most beautiful thing I have ever been though.. 

But it was not.

Here is me.. being Honest.. 

Pregnancy for me sucked ass.  Always.. Never got better, never liked it one bit.

I woke up on May 15th.. eyes snapped open, head still on my pillow, first thought of my day.. "I'm pregnant".
I wasn't sure how to feel.  I was numb.  I got up and told the husband that I was going to take a pregnancy test just so I knew.

I can't tell you how many pregnancy tests I've taken.. however I was surprised that the test I had stashed away in the bathroom wasn't expired.  I had given up hope long ago and actually had come to terms with and was really ok with not having children.  I was 35 years old.. I was happy to live the rest of my life just my husband and I.

So I peed on the damn stick.... and you know how it goes..
Pee on the stick.. set it on the edge of the bathtub and sit there and stare at it for 3 minutes waiting to see what happens..
That isn't what happened....  
hand between my legs.. peed on stick.. pulled stick up to put cap back on.. already 2 pink lines.. already a confirmation I was, in fact, pregnant.

I called for the husband.. he came around the corner.. I said.. "I'm pregnant."  <-- a="" and="" crying="" down..="" exclamation="" jumping="" just="" no="" p="" point..="" screaming="" simple="" statement.="" up="">He stood in the doorway and said "hmm".  Then we both went about our day as if nothing happened.

We were just waiting for it to fall apart.. why wouldn't it.  We had been trying for 7 years.

Nothing fell apart.

Days turned into weeks.. Doctor appointments confirmed a healthy pregnancy.  We heard the heartbeat and I had massive anxiety going to the doctors as I was sure eventually they wouldn't find that heartbeat.

Suddenly I was nauseous.  All smells were awful, some were unbearable.  I had massive food aversions to the foods I most loved.. potatoes, soda, pasta, cheese.. CHEESE!!

My body ached. I slowed way, way, down. I was frustrated at my body.  I felt betrayed.  I hated looking at myself in the mirror.  I wanted my old body back!  Looking at myself after a shower for too long made me sick to my stomach.  It wasn't that I was ugly.. just it wasn't ME.  It took me years to love myself and to not hate the way I looked and I was right back there.. 14 years old.. looking in the mirror at my legs, my arms my face and hating the way I looked.
I put clothes on and went about my day.

People loved to pick on me.. apparently it is fun to give the pregnant woman a hard time and I was just supposed to smile and take it.  There she is.. 3 minutes late to work today.  Your having twins i'm sure..  Pregnany women are cranky.. why are you so cranky?  WOAH.. here comes the belly. 
Other times people thought they were being helpful.. but really.. why can't I pick up a ream of paper.. it weights maybe 3 damn pounds!  Overly protective women and jackass men.  Everyday.. someone said or did something.  Because I'm pregnant and apparently the obvious target and an invalid.

Everyday I walked slower, had more of a waddle, had worse heartburn.. finally starting liking some foods again just to find out I had gestational diabetes.. 
So now I have to prick my fingers 4 times a day and watch what I eat and can't have some of those favorite foods that I had just started liking again.

I was so uncomfortable I could no longer sleep in my bed.  So we bought a recliner and put it in our bedroom and I slept there for months. I missed my bed.

I would have to say the absolute best part was finding out boy or girl.  And a BOY he was!  Fist pumping in the air.  We are having a boy!

Then he decided to make sure I knew he was there and the kicking, punching and karate chopping commenced.  Sometimes it was amazing to feel him move.  The anxiety stopped between doctor appointments. But now I was being beaten up on a regular basis.  Time he would kick/hit me so hard my whole body would shift.

One thing I was pretty happy about was the lack of stretch marks..  that is until they showed up.. there were a couple but then apparently they decided to throw a family reunion and all their cousins showed up and decided not to leave.  (granted.. this is probably the oddest thing that doesn't really bother me.. so what.. i have stretch marks on my belly.. meh.. don't care)

I got bigger, I got slower and then bring on BRAXTON HICKS!  So many contractions.  So annoying.  Work got hard as I have to get up and down a lot.  I didn't mind sitting or walking so much but the constant up and down was really difficult.  Then having contractions on the phone while talking to clients.. FUN TIMES!  Try to stay concentrated on that conversation and not let people hear the wind being punch right out of you.


Christmas eve at my in-laws contractions started.. I paced their living room for probably 3 hours.. then went home and continued to pace the floor for 3 more hours.  They were never close enough or long enough for a long enough duration for me to go to the hospital.  It was not labor.  I had another 2 nights where I had 6-8 hours of contractions.  The last day of them was the evening before I was to be induced.  The night that I wanted to try and get as much rest as possible. I was up for hours.

The next evening we finished packing our bags and headed to the hospital at 8pm (1/14/15).  I got there.. we got settled and I got hooked up and the process of labor was started for me.

Thankfully it wasn't a terribly long process.  The evening wasn't bad and I got pain medication that allowed me to sleep.  In the morning just before they started the Pitocin my water broke.  And then we were off..  things got more intense.. my mom showed up and we decided to take a walk.  I threw up twice and then decided I couldn't take the pain anymore

----------

8/13/16

I never finished this post. I'm sure life with a baby kept me away

Here it is about a year and a half later and I'm standing here wartching over baby #2 hoping and praying she will drift off to sleep. Mom needs a break. 

So much of this story from my sons birth was the same with my daughter. I however had less anxiety.  

My sons birth was easy however the recovery was intense and awful. Many many weeks stuck in my house in the little of winter unable to move without massive pain. 

This time recovery was quite different. I'll have to write about that while it is still fresh in my mind. 

The Storyteller

On December 29^th my Grandmother, Luetta Mae, left the land of the living. 

What most people don’t know, and her included, is that I have always looked up to my Grandma.  She is the strongest woman that I know.  She knew what she wanted and she would get it. You knew what she expected out of you and you made sure to do the best you could.  She was a force.   She was also such a loving person and she made everyone around her laugh all the time.

The thing I remember most about my Grandma is her storytelling   All of my father’s siblings and his mother are all fantastic storytellers.  I wish that was a trait that I received,however it was lost on me. 

Recalling things that happened yesterday is hard enough..but stories from years past.. forget it.

But my favorite memories are of sitting around any dining room table or the patio at the farm and listening.  The family recalling stories of days gone by.  The crazy things they did.. or said. 

Chasing kids with brooms, Semi-truck hauls with her and my dad and his crazy antics to get around a corner. 

Stories I can’t recall but I can vividly see in my mind where those stories were told and all the laughter.. the jokes.. the cigarette smoke.

That Hale family really makes my heart swell.. I’m the lucky one.  I got to be her granddaughter and her pen-pal.  Her biscuit making helper..and the granddaughter that just could not figure out how to crochet no matter how much she tried to show me. 

I got to play UNO in her living room trying to stack the deck and still losing to my brother and walk the back field finding old Indian arrowheads. 

I liked when she turned on the country storytellers who would sing their songs on the radio with the doors open and the fresh air blowing the tall grass.

I still have a pair of her clogging shoes.  I remember how heavy her quilts were and how safe I felt under them when I stayed the night.

She taught me how to read a map on a trip to Texas.  I was in charge.. we took a couple of wrong turns but I got us there.

And always.. she was telling stories..  while making the story of my Grandma and me.

I missed her when she moved to Alaska..  

My favorite memory.. a few years ago when she came to visit, she got to see my house and she met my husband.. and APPROVED!

Luetta, the mother of my father who left the living 11 years ago   I truly hope that they have met again..and all those that have gone before us are sitting somewhere around a table telling their stories and having a laugh.

-all my love

2012-2013

it's 15 minutes into January 2nd 2013, and i'm not excited about the new year at all. I'm not really dreading it either.. i just have no expectations.

I do find it interesting.. that at that moment when we change over into a new year, it does feel like something is ending and beginning all at that single moment. But it fact it is just another day, another day like the one before.. and like the one yet to come.

I wasn't all that impressed with 2012. I had high hopes going into it. I can remember how i felt.. and now i'm heading into 2013 a bit more harder, sadder, older, pessimistic, and while i do have hope for a good year.. there isn't much there.

2012.. you did give me a few memories...
- 3 beautiful, amazing brand new nieces!
- so much time with all my nieces and nephew which has been so much fun (and tiring)
- new windows in the dressing room.
- a good friend moved closer
- more amazing time in arkansas
- Fiona Apple, Florence & the Machine and Flogging Molly
- more game nights and more wine

2012.. you also took a few things..
- a good friend moved away
- psoriasis has seemingly disappeared (!! Lets hope it stays away!)
- loss.. my paternal grandmother passed away on December 29th. I'm not sure she ever knew how much she meant to me. I was always bad with words and not good at keeping in touch. I love her so much. She was always such a strong woman for me to look up too. I have so many great memories and stories. Luetta you are an amazing woman and you will be missed in this world.

2013.. i don't expect much from you..
just don't kick me while i'm down.
i'm not looking forward to another birthday, but i am looking forward to repeats of some of the good thing from last year.
And maybe you will be kind enough to grant eric and i a bit of good fortune. Only time will tell.

To everyone else. I hope you all have closed a door on what was a beautiful 2012 and are opening a door to 2013 with new eyes and all the hope to light up the sky.
And if you have some extra.. shine some light my way.. i could use it right about now.

with love,
d


(aunt frankie.. i hope you don't mind i grabbed this photo off your facebook)

a dream and my inspiration

Dreaming of my dressing room lately.  I really want to get working on it again.  I have been creating a Pinterest board for inspiration of the things I have been dreaming of putting in there.  Luckily I think I have most of the things to pull this off.

I haven't gone too crazy since I think I really know where I want to go with the room but here is what I have posted so far:

Simple vanity stool and a braided rug

I believe I have a vanity stool around the house somewhere that just needs a little pick-me-up. Little cleaning and a reupholstered seat will go a long way. The braided rug will probably be the hardest for me. Hopefully I can find one that I like and is within a price I'm willing to pay.

Closet shelving and 1920's Pin-up photos

The closet shelving will likely be the most expensive thing we will have to install. I want to get something nice but don't want to spend thousands of dollars.  Hopefully we can find what we need in a decent price range.  I also love 1920's or earlier pin-up photos.  Put them in some vintage frames and hang randomly around the room. {swoon}

Vintage inspired wallpaper and Art Deco vanity

This is pretty easy.. I've seen some really beautiful vintage inspired wallpaper at Lowe's or Home Depot so that is easily done and not too expensive.  I only plan on wallpapering the one wall where there won't be any closet shelving.  As for the art deco vanity.. Check!  Eric's mom gave me a beautiful vanity when we moved into our house and it has been patiently sitting downstairs waiting for a room to move into and be used.  (can't wait!!)

Door knobs as functional art and a beautiful chandelier

Well.. Check & Check!   I have been slowly collecting old door knobs that I like over the years.  I don't have very many but that is okay. This is something that I can add as I find ones I like.  I want to use them to hang scarves, necklaces or pieces of art from in the room.  Also I came across an old chandelier similar to the one in the picture, but a little more simple, in the basement when we moved in. It just needs a good cleaning and possibly some rewiring. I'm also super excited to bring that chandelier back to life and give it a new home in the dressing room.

Hopefully I can pull this off and it doesn't look awkward when put together.
Now if only I could get Eric to install the rest of the insulation and get working on some new windows and drywall!!  (hint, HINT!)

daily journaling

While reading the blog The Pioneer Woman today there was a post about writing a daily journal.  I used to have a diary and would write on occasion however i was never good at keeping up with it on a daily or even weekly basis.  Sometimes i'd pick my book up to write and i would notice it had either been many months or even up to a year since i wrote anything down.  I have always enjoyed going back through my writings to see how i was feeling or what was going on which makes me wish i would write more often.

This year i want to write more.. and on The Pioneer Woman blog there was a post about 280daily.com
It's a journaling website but for you and you alone.  no sharing to FB no ability for other people to read your writings.  What i like the best about it is that the idea is to keep the writing short and sweet.  280 characters.
I can do that!

What is also nice is you can add a photo to your post.. so I give myself a second challenge.. Not only to write something every day about my day but to add a photo to each post.  That photo can be a random photo of my dog or some building i think looked neat.. but it has to be from that day.

So.. write every day about my day, post a pic daily, and keep it up.

What will help.. they send emails every day to remind you to write!  Cause this girl.. she will definitely need reminders..

Bonus.. in time through the site you have the option to purchase a book printed and delivered of your writings!  Now that is neat!  Something that you can share one day if you so choose.. 

ps.. the dictionary says that the word 'journaling'.. well isn't in fact a word.. but i'm using it anyway.

On hair

So I'm at the salon sitting waiting for the color on my head to finish doing what it does. 
I love coming to the salon.  I like the smell and enjoy watching the ladies do their magic on peoples heads.  Its fascinating and I'm a bit jealous..  I wish I could make hair look fantastic.

So as I sit here I also get a little sad.  I see all these lovely people in here doing hair, getting their hair done and I sit here and wonder what it is like to not have a skin disorder on my scalp.  It's tough.. a girls hair is a huge part of what makes her feel pretty or attractive.  At least for me it is...

I see mine as this mess of hair with areas where it is so thin from where a lot of hair has fallen out. And damage from the medicated oils and shampoos I use.  I want to love my hair again. I want to enjoy playing with different looks and styling my hair. 

I recently came upon an old photo where I had my long hair. It looked healthy and even a bit thick.

I have very thin and fine hair which can make matters worse when my scalp gets bad.
I hope that some day this skin issue will just disappear and one day this feeling of not liking how I look because I hate my skin and I only see the flaws and problems fades away.
Some day I hope to feel pretty again.

it's a metaphor

the sea, the sun & my moon

i am sitting here adrift in the sea
sometime there are waves crashing down and i think i may drown
     sometimes i don't fight it and i wish the sea would take me
     sometimes i try to fight back which usually just leads me dripping wet and tired
     but most times i just hold on.. knowing...
that i have a beautiful friend, the sun
     she has a beautiful blond almost white light.
     she shows me that there is light even though it seems so far away at times
     she helps me want to hold on
     she tells me i am strong
     she is beautiful and i would be lost without her
sometimes the sea is dead still and i move neither forward or backward
     it makes me feel lost
     i try to push myself forward but i go nowhere
     sometimes i lay there and cry and ask why..
         i try so hard, i push, i paddle, i wear myself out trying but yet i go nowhere
         i don't understand
     but i know there is someone i can count on..
my rock, my moon
     he is my strength when i have none
     he follows me wherever i go watching over me
     he quietly helps me carry my burdens
     seeing him i know i will be alright.  he will always be there
at times the wind pushes me in directions i don't want to go
and at other times there is a soft breeze at my back pushing me slowly forward
on soft waves that rock me and make me feel content

a few random thoughts for the end of the year

- i miss working in the same company/office as my big brother.
- it's been 10 years.. but i still miss my dad as much as i did 9 years ago.
- even though it seems rather impossible i do love my husband more every day.
- to steal a quote from my friend terra: i am thankful for friends that are family and family that are friends
- though the past couple months of this year have been both beautiful and painful, i come out of it with a smile and more hope and belief than years past.
- i like writing cryptic sentences..
- there were so many times i wanted to blog about something very specific that i was going through at that moment and didn't.. i wish i had.. maybe i still will.. new goal; Write More!
- i wish i could work part-time and then volunteer with animal rescue or animal shelters
- while i do like all the owl shirts and jewelry..  i'd prefer sloths
- i love my momma so much
- i hope to be a better friend in the new year
- being positive about life and work and friends has been hard the past few months.. going to strive to be more positive and supportive.. if i'm not please slap some sense into me!

to my friends that are my family and to my beautiful family that are my best friends
stay safe, wear your seatbelts, slow down and enjoy life and above all know this..

I love you all.

Here's to a better and "productive" new year!!!
(and by "productive" i mean babies..  and by babies i mean i want a baby! wish me luck ya'll, we need it!!)

dH Cakes

i opened a tumblr account.. !
I will be posting pics and such about my baking over there.
There is a quick link at the top of my blog to take you there.

or.. just go here:  dHCakes

you should eat this

I made this soup:

Acorn Squash & Sweet Potato Soup

And so should you.. it was fantastic..


i made only a slight change.. 


Omit the 1 tablespoon of oil
Instead chop up a couple pieces of bacon.  
Cook in pot.
Remove cooked bacon, drain on paper towels.
Then add onion and curry to the bacon grease and follow the rest of the directions.


After it was done I added a dollop of creme fraiche, a little extra salt and pepper and a small bit of the cooked bacon (which I crushed in my hand first)


Soooooo goooood!


Try it.. you won't be disappointed.
(or.. you know.. follow the recipe as it's written.. i'm sure it is delish even without bacon)

A little afternoon sun at work

< demo > complete < /demo >

we finished taking down the walls!  demo is complete!



Here is eric preparing to take down the last of the remaining wall..



not exactly sure what we were listening to.. but apparently it had some awesome air guitar





As we were taking down the last bit we found another relic on the wall..



Perhaps this one isn't as old as the other...  :)

Here we go!





And it's done!!







HI RUDY!


Now we need to do some electrical work as we need to add a couple of outlets.

I will also be calling about some windows for the room.

And then there is this...



Not sure what this is from.. but i will need to call a plumber to have them check it out and see if it can be cut and put back together below the floor.

after admiring our work.. if you stand in the corner by the two outside walls and look down it feels like you are standing on a floating floor..



Just a bit freaky....

maybe i'm weird.. but lathe & plaster can be pretty at times..



we got all this done on saturday.. sunday we worked on cleaning up the dust trail from carrying all the mess out of the house.   It was such a beautiful day so we also spent some time with erics lovely mom and jerry and had funhouse pizza for dinner.  This evening eric and I and all 5 of our pet kids climbed onto the couch and watched a couple of episodes of Dr. Who.. wish i had a picture of that.  Eric, me, 2 dogs & 3 cats on the couch.  This weekend was a success.

once we get more done on the room i'll give you an update!

now off to bed for me and the fam..

signing off..   -d

Annihilation

We were in demo mode again tonight.  However tonight we started on the real messy stuff.. Lathe & Plaster.  Otherwise known as dusty.as.shit.and.a.pain.in.my.ass.

But i think it went well.  It really isn't all that hard to take down and Eric can take down large sections of the walls really fast.. but i can't clean it up faster then he can take it down. So i gave up and left a mess for this weekend when we can bring the lawnmower with the trailer to haul down to the dumpster.

Some photos of the progress...

Assessing the job at hand..  otherwise known as taking a break


Eric Smash!


The mess


Where we left it for the night


rubble..


I mentioned in the last post about the ceiling being wallpapered.. but what i didn't mention was the weird placement of the light fixture in there..


Never mind the wires hanging from the ceiling.. i think that went to the motion sensors that used to be in the living room directly beneath the room.  We didn't use them (we have cats and dogs) so we removed them from downstairs but never took the awkward wiring out from this room.

At this point i think i'm going to leave the ceiling in place and i might just leave the electrical in the ceiling where it is too.  I have a chandelier i am putting in this room so i might just do the decorative chain/cord and hook in order to get the light in the middle of the room.  Only time will tell.

We got the most part of 1 1/2 walls done.  We should have the room completely gutted by this weekend!!  And we can thank tonights fast work of ripping down the walls to THE ANNIHILATOR by Dead on Tools.



This tool is pretty awesome..
And it has a skull on it!  So you know.. that makes it work better.



Your parting gift for this evening isn't a picture of one of my pets.. but of my fantastic face:



Hot!

meaning it's time to go take a Hot! shower and go the heck to bed.
over and out...

Demolition (wo)Man!

Here we go again!  Another project to add to the list.. 

Remember that front porch project?

  You can read about it here:  Day 1, Day 2, and Day 3.

umm.. yeah.. that still isn't done..

I never even wrote about the bathroom!  Which we have mostly done but the front of the tub is still unfinished.. window needs to be painted, along with the shelving unit and doors.  Not to mention we already have repairs that need to be done..  faucet needs replacing already and breaker blew on the light fixtures above the sink.. Oh Joy!

Anyway.. i can spend all day listing all the stuff that we have and have not started yet.. but i'm not going to as that makes my head and my wallet hurt.

What i do want to talk about is the little bedroom off the office.  I call it the dressing room.

This room will become a very large closet!  I'm super excited about it as we have a 4 bedroom house 1 1/2 bath, eat in kitchen, formal dining room (we use as a library), living room and entry way and 2... wait... lets do that again..  ONE.. TWO.. closets!!  

One in the office which is for Erics stuff.. 

The other in the room we are currently using as our bedroom which we use for our clothes and other storage.  I have a rubbermaid tub with my shoes in it.. not fun finding shoes when you are in a hurry which is me 99.999% of the time.

So we are now working on the Spare Oom..  (tell me you got that reference?) (wait.. who am i talking to.. does anyone read this blog??   .....   ..)

Isn't she lovely

a little passive agressive are we?  

An old relic from the days when Eric's family lived here.  His uncle wrote that on the wall.

Can you see the light?  that is the front porch you can see through that hole.

So tonight we began working on it.  I took one wall down to the studs and Eric removed the molding around the windows.  The wall i worked on tonight was particle board which was easy to remove.  The other three walls are lathe and plaster.. it's gonna get messy!

After looking at the windows once the molding was removed I think i'm going to look into vinyl windows.  Yeah they won't match the rest of the house.. but i figure one room at a time is better than leaving these since i can't afford to do them all at once!

If you look closely at the window you can see the old pulley mechanism.

Isn't the wallpaper devine!  What you probably can't tell by these photos is that the ceiling is papered also.  We haven't decided if we are taking the ceiling down yet.  only time will tell.

The list for tomorrow is removal of the trash we now have all over the floor.. or i should say.. figuring out how we are going to remove all this down our steep narrow stairs.  

Fortunately we rented a dumpster for Erics rental 2 houses down so we have a place to put this trash but getting it there might be an adventure on it's own.

Then we work on the lathe & plaster walls!

I'll try and keep you posted on the progress!

On a side note..   I still need to write a post about T & B's wedding cake that i made!  I'm pretty darn proud of myself for that one so i'll try and get something done soon.  

Also.. apparently it's time to upgrade my flickr account to pro..  granted it's not really expensive but i was hoping to wait it out a bit longer.. no such luck.  

One more pic for the road:

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl.  She turned 12 today!

I think she's not interested...

losing hope

i'm losing hope with this.

every time i turn around something else happens that makes me feel like i'm constantly walking backwards away from my goal.. not toward it.

insurance - won't pay
bad count - sad day
insurance - can't get what i need when i need it
dr. office - wrong info
dr. office - not enough info
myself - just not working right..

i'm beginning to wonder if all this misery is worth it.. the pain, the money, the crying, the constant 2 steps forward 15 steps backward.  of course it will be if the goal is reached.. but there is no way to determine how long it will take.  there is no mile markers to show i'm closer.. i'm in the dark and will continue to be until it just happens.. if it happens.

how much more can i take before i just throw my hands up and say screw it.  i'm done.


today i'm just pissed and angry and wants to just be at home.

Go Big and Eat Doughnuts!

You've heard the saying "Go big or go home".. well that seems to be my motto for a few things..
Well mostly tattoos and baking/cooking.. and now frying.

Recently my good great most wonderful friend Terra (she has a blog.. ahoy!.. i like her and i like her blog.. you should check it out) had a birthday.  On this occasion a few of her close friends (what.. something like 20.. maybe 30 people.. maybe more.. she is a pretty awesome person to have that many close friends) threw her a birthday party.  It was my job to make her birthday dessert. With a quick chat with our mutual friend Nick it was decided that doughnuts would be a fantastic idea....

.. well i've never made doughnuts before...

But I HAD recently seen a post by Joy the Baker about them.. and i figured sure.. why not give it a go.

Next was deciding on what flavors and how many to make..

I came up with 4 different flavors..
Cinnamon doughnuts with a dark chocolate and cinnamon frosting
Caramel with sea salt
Classic Glazed
and a Baked Strawberry Doughnut with a Strawberry icing.

It was decided to make 1 dozen of each..  easy right!.. right?

So off i went.. looked up all my ingredients.. purchased what i didn't have at home and me and my friend Shaun got to making doughnuts the night before the party!!

Make dough, let it rise, roll out dough, cut out doughnuts, let them rise, fry, glaze or ice, done!
Easypeasey!.. well it really isn't too hard other than all the space making 4 dozen doughnuts takes up and the frying.. and well if you read the directions all the way through before starting that is..  <--  that last bit is crucial!

Look at me!  Making Doughnuts!


Me placing my freshly cut out doughnuts on my silpat lined baking sheet to rise...


or so i thought..  see here is where i made a crucial mistake.. If i had read the instructions fully.. I would have seen the part about placing the doughnuts on a lightly floured tray and to make sure i give the doughnuts plenty of space between each other cause they will spread when rising.  oops
You will notice that the tray above is neither lightly floured nor are the doughnuts spaced out enough..
I made 3 dozen doughnuts, let them rise.. and then failed miserably at trying to remove them from the tray.  They were completely stuck together and to the silpat.  I got 1 dozen off and into the fryer.. thankfully there are no pictures of those.. they turned out completely flat.. like really tasty frisbees.  I had to start over but it was so late in the night that i decided that i would make the dough and let it rise overnight in the fridge and start again in the morning.

The following morning i woke up bright and early thinking of the doughnuts.. must make doughnuts.  I believe i was up around 7 and pulled the dough out of the fridge to warm up a bit and turn on the oven and got the oil warming up.  I waited about an hour and a half before i started again.. very carefully cutting them out and placing them on a Lightly Floured baking tray letting them rise in a slightly warmed oven then my other good great wonderful friend Shaun showed back up at my house just in time to fry.

The next morning.. notice the now floured tray!


frying to a lovely golden brown


making the caramel sauce


The Cinnamon doughnuts with a dark chocolate & cinnamon frosting


The Caramel with Sea Salt..

You will notice they aren't perfect.. picking up soft dough is nearly impossible.

But the more i fried the better i got..

The beautiful.. and i must say my favorite doughnuts of them all..
Classic Glazed.. These were FANTASTIC.. if i do say so myself.


I don't have any pictures of the Strawberry doughnuts.. but the recipe that i used can be found at a lovely site called Salad-in-a-Jar.  Just picture my doughnuts looking like those.. or close to it anyway.

All the doughnut holes we tossed in cinnamon and sugar and i packaged it all up in boxes..  which i couldn't resist stamping with an "H".. the initial of my last name.  I think it turned out pretty awesome.


We ended up with 5 dozen doughnuts and LOTS of doughnut holes..


They were a hit at the party.  I put a candle in one and presented it to Terra as we all sang happy birthday to her.  Then i stood back and smiled as i saw everyone eating my doughnuts with big smiles and them all telling me how great they were..   It was totally worth it.. to stay up till the wee hours of the morning after messing up 3 batches of dough and then to get up early in the morning and try all over again.  Great Success!  I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.. but this time I will lightly flour all the trays!

I think Odin is upset he didn't get a doughnut..


Oh.. and a HUGE, GREAT BIG THANKS to Shaun. She was on icing/frosting duty and if it wasn't for her my kitchen would have been in ruins..  You are the best!