12.11.2010

lost in a world of baby bumps

It's so hard to see pregnant women right now.  They are everywhere.  My good friend Jen is pregnant... so freaking cute pregnant.  While I'm so happy for all these women it also makes me frustrated and sometimes angry.   Fortunately I'm no longer angry at pregnant women, as one time i used to be and would give them dirty looks, but now I'm just frustrated that I can't seem to join their club.

I find myself staring at young families and pregnant women.  I just can't help myself.. but it always makes me sad.  I was telling my husband today at lunch that I just wish the doctors would tell me that I won't ever be able to have a baby so that I can just move on out of this frustration of trying and constantly being upset at the end of every month.  Least that way I would know what was going on and could then figure out what we needed to do next.. least I would have a direction instead of feeling like I'm out to sea with the wind blowing in all different directions and no way to control which way I am going.

This evening I got onto People.com to look around.. it's pretty much the only place I can stand to go to check out celebrity news.  But I see these pictures of all these pregnant celebrities..  I see how they hold their bellies.. or the way their husbands look at them.   I so want that..  I want my husband to place his big hand on my growing baby belly and just look at me with such great love and wonderment of the child if his that I am carrying.   I'm actually quite terrified that that will never happen for me.

So far.. we are now closing in on 4 years of trying to get pregnant.  When my last cycle started I just about lost it all..  I wanted to be done.  I don't understand and was so completely ready to just let it all go..  wash my hands of it all.  I really just hoped that I would at least get pregnant this year..  but that is now no longer feasible.

We have decided that in January that we will see about going to a specialist.  The problem is that I'm not so sure we will be able to afford much of any help.  We will have to see what insurance will help cover.  But then I'm not even sure what kind of treatment they will want to put me on or if I'm even willing to go through with it.

I'll be 32 in one month..  i wanted to have 3 or 4 children.. now I'm afraid that i may not even have one.. and that my time is running out for me to have a large family. 

I'm sad... if there was some magic pill that i can swallow would someone let me know?  thanks..