So I thought about love today also. I think it is pretty grand. I have a wonderful man. I wish I could do more for him. If I could show the world how he looks at me and smiles it just might bring peace to this crazy place. He makes me happy even through the crappiest days. Today I sat in our lazy-boy all sick and ugly looking watching a TV series on my laptop. He comes down and tells me that I'm cute. Totally hard to imagine.... I looked so bad. Yesterdays makeup, red nose from blowing it all day, oily hair pulled up in a bun, bad breath.. I'm sure I could go on.. but I'll spare you. And even though I felt like shit and looked the part he made me smile and laugh. He made me happy. I giggled today and I tried my best to make him laugh (totally succeeded!!) This man I wake up to in the mornings is amazing, kind and patient. How could a crazy girl like me be so lucky. He makes me light up. And while I could probably live my life without him.. I could get my butt out of bed and make it into work and pay my bills and have friends that make me laugh and perhaps be with another man.. but why would I? This man I want to walk through this life with and the afterlife with. We made a pact... We would die together. We will be together hand in hand to walk into the life here after together. I would follow him anywhere... Ever see that movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? It's something like that. I may say I need a day off from being with him.. but once he is around I never want him to leave. I'm not even saying our relationship is easy.. but loving him is and it's pretty easy to tell he loves me back. I suppose that is one of the best things. To feel loved back is amazing and to be able to see it and hear it and know it is more than i could ever hope for. I know what it is like to wonder if the man I'm with truly loves me. More than that "I hope she is happy and healthy love".. More like the "I will break you if you make her shed one tear because you have said something mean to her" love. The love that doesn't know shame. The love that cries when watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind during scenes when they are just sitting on the couch and hanging out.. because it reminds him of how much he loves to be with me. To sit on the couch doing nothing with me. Is that love? I think so..

Sick today

Today I am sick. Stuck at home sitting in the chair in the living room. Blowing my nose, sneezing, coughing, trying to rest and get better. Today I think.. Isn't life a funny tragic thing?! So my brother breaks up with his girlfriend. Sad yes.. but is it. They argue all the time. He always seemed unhappy in that relationship to me. So now it's over.. and I feel bad. Funny isn't it.. I hated them together and now that they are over I feel like crap over it. I hope it wasn't something that I said. And how unfair to him that I say this now, after the fact. I love him, probably more than he will ever realize. I want so much for him. I want happiness that comes easy. He has been through so much for a 21 year old. To lose his father at the fragile age of 15. He was such a young boy. Am I over protective.. yeah.. I can't seem to help it. Most people see it as nagging or picking on him. I'm sorry for that, I just can't seem to stop. Maybe I have no tact in telling him that I care and that I want the best for him and to give him advice or to tell him what I think of what is going on. I just hope that in the years to come that we can be close. That we can talk and be grown up together. I want to be able to call and have long conversations together and talk about life and jobs and kids. I want to have dinners where he and his kids and wife come over and we laugh and talk to the wee hours of the morning. I want our kids to get along and play together. I want that with both my brothers. But I especially want it with my little brother. Maybe because there was so much arguing when we were little. We didn't get along so much then. I heard that he felt more like he had two mothers and no sister. That made me sad. There is 8 years between us.. it's a hard gap to fill, but I think we can do it. Nick.. If you ever read this.. I love you.. - Big Sis


She makes me want to move to Iceland...

So I was playing around on the Internet today and came across this on Flikr http://www.flickr.com/photos/rebba/.. her photos make me want to move to Iceland. They are beautiful! This one in particular I really love..


I have also added her blog to my links here.. Check her out.. beautiful and serene.


still nothing important

Wish I had something important to say. Don't though..

In a funk today.. hopefully will be leaving work on time today.. got one hour left. Updated my myspace page today.. really like it.. using a site for the profiles that is made in flash. Pretty cool if I don't say so myself.

Kinda tired also.. Poor Jerry.. Went to the hospital last night. Chest pains. Haven't heard yet if it was in fact a heart attack or not. Tests were good last night.. so hopefully it wasn't another heart attack.

Miss my Eric.. wonder what he is doing. Hope we get to spend some time together tonight. I really need to work on the house though.. Need to do laundry and clean.. blah

Guy is supposed to be looking at my Raytown house today to give me a quote to paint the outside of the house. Hopefully it is a good quote. Eric is supposed to get me a quote for someone to take care of the yard work over there. Wish they would get back with me. I really need to start working on that house again. Need to get it sold... could really use the money.

Ok.. well I had better get back to work. Till next time.


Can't they figure out a better system!!!

So now I'm irritated..

So Eric and I weren't paying much attention this weekend and we didn't realize that we didn't get his schedule in. It's been the exact same thing for the past 3 or 4 weeks so we just didn't realize that we didn't get a new schedule.

Come to find out he was supposed to work last night and have Saturday and Sunday off!! That just pisses me off. We could have had the entire weekend but instead their system of sending schedules failed to work and we never got the changes.

They insist on faxing schedules.. WTF.. Haven't they heard of email.. they could then confirm easily that the person got it. Stupid people.

I really hate this company that he is working for. Really wish he would get a different job.
But I suppose that would be more for me than for him. I wish he had a job with the same hours as me.. I'm selfish and I want to have more time with him. I want it to be easier for us to plan things like days off or evenings together.

Gonna have to start buying lottery tickets so we can win lots of money... might be the only way we will get the ability to spend more time together.

..sorry for the pity party..

Can't seem to get it right today....

<sigh> I’d rather be sitting at home on the couch listening to sad depressing music.

Don’t we all get in a funk like that every once in a while?..

just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up

It's nearly been a year since he's been gone
And we still sing his goodbye songs
Goodness knows she should move on
But she just can't let him go
No, she just can't let him go

I'm sorry if I made you want to cry
I'm sorry if I made you want to cry
You should know, I never meant to hide
I just hate bringing you down
Oh, I just hate bringing you down

I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up

And I dropped my paintbrush in the dirt
Still remember just how much that hurt
I cut my hand and wait for it to work
But I just couldn't bring him back
No, I just couldn't bring him back

I just can't seem to get it right today
Oh, I just can't seem to get it right today
I just can't seem to get it right today
I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh, I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh Lord I said I guess I'm gonna give up
Oh Lord I said I guess I'm gonna give up

Never really read the lyrics to this song before.. It’s one of those sad and pretty songs…. Makes you think of people you have lost..

Suppose that is what gloomy days like today is for.

Wish I was out for a walk listening to music.. I could use some quite time by myself with my music.. time to clear my head.. time to think of nothing.. to only feel my footsteps hitting the pavement and the resounding sound in my chest that they make.. in beat with the music.. no other worries or thoughts.. just me and the cool breeze and no other noises.. just me, my footsteps and my music.

I need to take a day off work.. I miss my old neighborhood..



My Daffodil's Bloomed!!! I'm sooo happy! They didn't bloom last year and I really tried to make sure the elements didn't kill them and they bloomed!!! (yes.. snow in April could have killed my flowers).

You might ask why is there only 2 flowers. Well I would have to tell you that I didn't plant these flowers. I actually don't think anyone planted these flowers. I personally think that a squirrel with a green thumb planted them in a very weird spot next to my house.


sadly not yet..

Another month has gone by and I am still not pregnant. Eric and I have been trying since January and we haven't had any luck yet. It's only been 4 months, which isn't very long but I hoped it was going to be easy, but apparently this is going to have to be something I have to endure. Least that's what it feels like. I was pretty heart broken the first month after we started trying to get pregnant. I told myself to buck-up.. other people try for years and you have only really given it one good month. So we kept trying.. I was good the past few months when I found out I wasn't pregnant. I was OK.. ready to try again the next month. Not upset, not worried, not frustrated. This month was different. I don't know why but Sunday hit along with a horrible bout of the cramps and I lost it. I was pretty upset, crying on Eric shoulder wondering if we should have kids or not... He consoled me, and said we will just try again.. We were busy a few days and weren't able to be together as much as we should have so again this month we try again.. We have been discussing the idea of using an ovulation kit. I just can't decide... they can be pretty expensive. Eric suggests that we give it another month...

I don't know what I would do without Eric.. He is so patient with me. I can be such an emotional wreck and he just sits by and lets me get through it. He doesn't get mad or upset at me.. he is just there when I need him the most and lets me cry and gives me the best hugs.

I can only hope that when we do get pregnant that I can be as good as a mother as mine and our kids can be as patient with people as Eric.


I must have the ability to eat the cheese!!

So I’m trying to be good and start working out.. ugg..

I got on the scale yesterday and I weigh 131 pounds.. Oh My.. While it isn’t really bad it is still not comfortable. So my friend Jen asked me to start working out with her at her house. Yesterday I showed up at her home with my big workout ball (or what the heck ever you call them) and a change of clothes. I also brought over a workout DVD which was only 20 minutes long.. We thought Good! We will start slow and work our way into longer workouts.. OMG!!!!! I’m soooo sore today. Swear I’m walking around like I rode a horse all day yesterday.. who knew that 20 minutes could do so much damage to my poor sweet muscles.. My freaking arm pits hurt also! What the heck is that all about!? I haven’t worked out in over a year and I thought I missed it.. well think again stupid!! This stuff hurts!!

This is going to be my sad attempt to try and lose a few pounds and not feel so mushy around my mid-section. I used to not have to work at this.. I could eat 6 glazed doughnuts and not gain a pound! I don’t do that anymore but I can’t give up my cheese.. so in order to keep myself from becoming fat I am going to start working out. We are going to try and meet on Tuesdays and Fridays.. Wish me luck.. I’m going to need it!


rain rain...

rain rain go away.. come back.. another... well.. i'd say never but that probably wouldn't be good!

so today i boycott the capital letters.. i will continue to do so until the rain stops.. rain all you want at night just cut that shit out during the day. i need sunshine dammit! these rainy days are here.. it's spring.. what should i expect. if it must rain couldn't the sun at least shine. that would make my day better. suppose it wouldn't be so bad if i didn't sit in front of a window at work..

gloomy.. makes filling out my employees reviews more of a challenge.. here is a picture of the gloom that over looks my desk. hope my employees don't expect good reviews.

i actually spent some time outside this weekend with my dog in our backyard. it was really nice. i'll post some pictures of her and our adventures another time.

we did have this amazing thunderstorm last night. it shook the whole house. if i didn't know there was a storm going on last night i would have sworn it was an earthquake. shook the house up really good. my dog went into the computer room and hid under eric's legs under his desk. poor thing is extremely afraid of loud bangs and booms. i was good with the storm last night. would have been better had it quit by now. i'm ready for the april showers to quit now.. thanks!


bad addiction

My boyfriend and I have this new horrible addiction.. Vintage Stock is now my drug of choice. We go there every time we drive by. We are on the hunt for movies.. Cd's.. I've even looked at records and comic books. That place is the devil. We just got back from there and bought 6 DVDs and a CD. Just Like Heaven (totally mine), The Butterfly Effect, From Hell, Identity, Hell Boy & Land of the Dead, I also got the CD, Alien Ant Farm - Anthology. We also just bought all of the Stargate SG1 series on DVD.. and are currently awaiting season 5 & 6 in the mail of Gilmore Girls. I no longer watch TV.. no news or current events. I'm stuck in bed on this laptop watching a new movie that I just bought or my Gilmore Girl series. FYI.. Some of the series stuff you can get cheaper on Amazon.com brand new rather than buy it at Vintage Stock, even after paying shipping! So be careful what you do..

We also hit Planet Sub today for lunch. I haven't been there for years and he had never been there. I think we might have just found a new favorite place to munch. Anyplace that puts cream cheese on a sandwich is a friend of mine!

Oh.. and if you are looking for a good romantic movie with a twist you have to see The Lake House. Just watched it last night and it was amazing! We now have Long Way Round to watch on DVD.. Its a documentary style series with Ewan McGregor and a 20,000+ mile road trip on a motorcycle with a friend of his. I'm pretty excited to watch it.

Today is the first day of my blog..

Thought this might be a good exercise for me. Writing is said to be therapeutic.. not that I need therapy, however others my believe I do.

I think writing is another form of learning. Learning how to spell for instance. I know we have spell check but after writing for a while you do inadvertently learn how to spell. I also think it is good to write about life. There are days it is very nice to step back and take a look at what you have done and it is nice to see that you have put it in words. It makes the memories that much better.

So here I go. My blog.. funny I keep misspelling blog and writing blow.. Lets see what adventures my life will take me on and let the craziness ensue!