daily journaling

While reading the blog The Pioneer Woman today there was a post about writing a daily journal.  I used to have a diary and would write on occasion however i was never good at keeping up with it on a daily or even weekly basis.  Sometimes i'd pick my book up to write and i would notice it had either been many months or even up to a year since i wrote anything down.  I have always enjoyed going back through my writings to see how i was feeling or what was going on which makes me wish i would write more often.

This year i want to write more.. and on The Pioneer Woman blog there was a post about 280daily.com
It's a journaling website but for you and you alone.  no sharing to FB no ability for other people to read your writings.  What i like the best about it is that the idea is to keep the writing short and sweet.  280 characters.
I can do that!

What is also nice is you can add a photo to your post.. so I give myself a second challenge.. Not only to write something every day about my day but to add a photo to each post.  That photo can be a random photo of my dog or some building i think looked neat.. but it has to be from that day.

So.. write every day about my day, post a pic daily, and keep it up.

What will help.. they send emails every day to remind you to write!  Cause this girl.. she will definitely need reminders..

Bonus.. in time through the site you have the option to purchase a book printed and delivered of your writings!  Now that is neat!  Something that you can share one day if you so choose.. 

ps.. the dictionary says that the word 'journaling'.. well isn't in fact a word.. but i'm using it anyway.

On hair

So I'm at the salon sitting waiting for the color on my head to finish doing what it does. 
I love coming to the salon.  I like the smell and enjoy watching the ladies do their magic on peoples heads.  Its fascinating and I'm a bit jealous..  I wish I could make hair look fantastic.

So as I sit here I also get a little sad.  I see all these lovely people in here doing hair, getting their hair done and I sit here and wonder what it is like to not have a skin disorder on my scalp.  It's tough.. a girls hair is a huge part of what makes her feel pretty or attractive.  At least for me it is...

I see mine as this mess of hair with areas where it is so thin from where a lot of hair has fallen out. And damage from the medicated oils and shampoos I use.  I want to love my hair again. I want to enjoy playing with different looks and styling my hair. 

I recently came upon an old photo where I had my long hair. It looked healthy and even a bit thick.

I have very thin and fine hair which can make matters worse when my scalp gets bad.
I hope that some day this skin issue will just disappear and one day this feeling of not liking how I look because I hate my skin and I only see the flaws and problems fades away.
Some day I hope to feel pretty again.

a few random thoughts for the end of the year

- i miss working in the same company/office as my big brother.
- it's been 10 years.. but i still miss my dad as much as i did 9 years ago.
- even though it seems rather impossible i do love my husband more every day.
- to steal a quote from my friend terra: i am thankful for friends that are family and family that are friends
- though the past couple months of this year have been both beautiful and painful, i come out of it with a smile and more hope and belief than years past.
- i like writing cryptic sentences..
- there were so many times i wanted to blog about something very specific that i was going through at that moment and didn't.. i wish i had.. maybe i still will.. new goal; Write More!
- i wish i could work part-time and then volunteer with animal rescue or animal shelters
- while i do like all the owl shirts and jewelry..  i'd prefer sloths
- i love my momma so much
- i hope to be a better friend in the new year
- being positive about life and work and friends has been hard the past few months.. going to strive to be more positive and supportive.. if i'm not please slap some sense into me!

to my friends that are my family and to my beautiful family that are my best friends
stay safe, wear your seatbelts, slow down and enjoy life and above all know this..

I love you all.

Here's to a better and "productive" new year!!!
(and by "productive" i mean babies..  and by babies i mean i want a baby! wish me luck ya'll, we need it!!)

A little afternoon sun at work

a journey (on my head): days 3 & 4

Sorry I didn't get to posting day 3 yesterday.  We have had a busy weekend with work on the house.

So here is day 3 and 4 all in one post!

Day 3:
I can tell it's really starting to break up and the scabs are breaking loose from my scalp.  I was able to comb quite a bit out of it however there is still quite a bit to go.

I've been wearing hats a lot lately because the meds are so oily so it looks as if I haven't washed my hair in weeks.. Kinda gross actually.
So here are the pics.

You can see all the little bits that are breaking up.

Still looks nasty and my hair is still mostly plastered to my scalp.  Because it is breaking up and not quite so attached to my scalp it has been harder to put a comb through it.  The pick/comb will end up under one of the scabs which is quite painful.  Still been loosing quite a bit of hair but I still have high hopes!

Below are the scabs that seem to be the hardest to break up.  I have large ones on each side of my head close to my temples.

Tonight we are going to make sure we soak them good with the overnight oil and hope that it helps break them up!


Day 4:
I let the overnight meds sit on my head a little bit longer than normal.  Mostly because I'm lazy and I stayed in bed really late because I was tired and sore from working on the house on Saturday.
I finally got up around 11am and took a shower using the T/Sal shampoo and after put the other oil on my head.  Gosh I hate that stuff..  again oily hair = gross.   I miss being able to do my hair and not feel like I need to wear a hat to cover it up!

But later in the day I was feeling around and i could tell that those scabs by my temples had loosened up and were no longer attached to my scalp!  Sweet!!

So early in the evening I took a fine tooth comb and starting removing the scabs that it would let me.
And you know what?....

I got almost every scab off my head!!  Holy Cow!  Check these pictures out!

You can still see flaking but that is just loose stuff in my hair that will wash out in the morning.  I got all but maybe a few tiny bits off my scalp!  I can comb my hair without it hurting or catching on something, and my hair is no longer plastered to my scalp from all the buildup!  I can see where I had lost hair early on and new hair had tried to grow in but I just couldn't see it under the scaling!  it's short but at least it there!

I'm super excited!

We will do another really light treatment of the oil tonight and I'll wash my hair with the medicated shampoo again in the morning.  I will assess then if I'm going to put the other oil in my hair as I hate to use it and I have to go to work.. and it would be nice not to have to have gross oily hair.

I am super happy I finally got this taken care of!  My Husband has been wonderful in helping me put all the meds on my scalp!  Many mucho thanks!

Now it's all about prevention and growing my dang hair back!

More updates later!

a journey (on my head): day 2

So today my head itched like crazy and it is flaking really bad.
So that is good news.. means it is working. I'm already seeing a lot of it breaking up! I am beginning to think that this WILL be cleared up by next Wednesday!
How awesome would that be to have all this cleared up by Thanksgiving. Now that is something I can be thankful for!

So I have some pictures. You can see that it is flaking quite a bit.


I won't bore you too much with this.. but here is a close up of my scalp today. Though it looks bad it is really breaking up and a lot of the scaling came out today. Though a lot of hair fell out today also.


I really hope in the next few days I have pictures that don't make me feel sick to my stomach.. cause these just look nasty. Aren't you happy I am so sharing!?...



Oh.. and here's Poe.. just can't stay out of anything.. even my blog.

Till tomorrow!

a journey (on my head)

So I want to take you on a journey. Perhaps you will join me?

This is not a journey that will show you pretty places or things to do. Does not involve driving or walking for that matter.. Actually this is a journey about healing.

See.. ever since I was 22 I have been battling psoriasis on my scalp. This is a hereditary disorder of the immune system. My scalp essentially creates new skin cells faster then it sloughs them off. My understanding is that my body is creating new skin cells in 6 to 8 days vs the normal aprox. 30 days. (now don't take my word on that.. this is just from what i remember reading.. thought i suppose i should look it up.. but naah). Oh.. and it's not contagious. phew..

Over the years I have had this psoriasis come and go. I had an instance in my early twenties where i lost a lot of hair on the crown of my head because of the scaling from the disorder. I have used a lot of creams, pills, ointments, oils and shampoos. That is really the only way you can treat this problem. There is no cure.

Well recently my scalp has exploded again. It's almost as if i have a wide headband of psoriasis scaling across my head. I had been avoiding going to the doctor. Not sure why.. money was an excuse, I guess i also just thought it might go away if I use some special shampoo.. I think some of the stress in my life just got the better of me and i just didn't take care of the problem as soon as i should have. But I went to the dermatologist on Wednesday this week. He seems to think with proper treatment that it will be cleared up in a week. 1 Week People! I have been suffering with this for months and he says it will take 1 WEEK!.. Yes, I may feel silly at the end if it does only take a week but it is what it is. So If you would like to join me and you don't have a super weak stomach.. lets go!

This is me:



HI Guys!!

Right now because of the problem I always wear my hair pulled back into a tiny ponytail and a little head band to hold some of the shorter hair and to hide some of the scaling.


Hair up & Hair down

You might already be able to see some of the damage. I've lost a lot of hair so it's really hard to hide now.

More pictures:
You can see the scaling a bit and some of the hair loss. This stuff itches and is pretty uncomfortable.


The right side of my scalp. The hair can clump in the scales.


Top view.. I have lost quite a bit of hair.


A view from the back.


Happy girl i am not.. I miss my hair.


You may have noticed a bit of flaking in my hair. That is because on Wednesday night I started my treatment that the doctor gave me to get this cleared up. So all these pictures are after one treatment. He said 1 week.. so I'm going to try and chronicle the healing process.
I had to take the pictures tonight by myself as the husband was out slaying dragons or something like that. So hopefully the pictures will be better since I won't be trying to contort my arms in weird ways to take pictures of my own head.

Aaanyway.. I will take pictures and post them everyday right before the next treatment. So tomorrow evening I will post pics after two days of the treatment and so on.. Lets see if this will actually clear up in a week.

My arsenal:


Left to right: Neutrogena T/Sal Shampoo: have to wash my hair every morning with this leaving it on for 3 to 5 minutes. Fluocinolone blah blah and something else (I have no idea how to pronounce that stuff): is a oil drop i have to put on my scalp after i get out of the shower in the morning. Derma-Smooth/FS: Another oil i have to use on my scalp at night. I have to dampen my hair and scalp, put this stuff on it then cover with a shower cap and leave on over night.

It's not fun but I'm already seeing flaking so that means it is breaking up already after only one treatment.

Wish me luck..

Ah Sheet

So I am an idiot. Here it is 10:30 at night and I just put a load of laundry in the wash. But it wasn't just any laundry. It was the sheets off my bed. It was so far beyond time to wash them.. I know.. you all don't want to hear about my dirty sheets and how long they were on my bed before I washed them, but they are my favorite sheets. I do have another set of sheets but I don't love them. So now I will be up waiting for those to finish in the wash then have to sit and wait for them to dry. So I seriously don't see me going to bed till after midnight tonight. So what better time than to write!
(bad.. in the few sentences i have already written there are 4 that start with So... I so seriously have a problem... So.... )

I have been meaning to buy some new sheets for my bed since I don't like the other set that I have. The fitted sheet doesn't stay on the mattress.. and it drives me nuts! But if I was to be honest, my favorite sheets don't stay on the mattress either, but they stay on better!! My favorite sheets are the kind that are nice and crisp and cool when you get into bed. They aren't scratchy or too stretchy. I know that sounds weird.. but have you ever had a set of sheets that after one night they seem too big for the bed and every time you make your bed you have to pull them on all sides and practically tuck a ton of extra sheet that you have NO idea where it has come from back under the mattress??!! I don't like stretchy sheets. Those jersey sheets, don't like... flannel, don't like.. too stretchy. They may be warm in the winter but I hate to have to make a bed with those kind of sheets on them.

Now my husband would probably agree I am crazy when it comes to making the bed. The odd part about that is... I don't make the bed in the morning even when I can. Most of the time the husb is still sleeping so I can't, but on those odd mornings when we get up around the same time I don't care so much about making the bed. I make the bed right before I get into it at night. I have to straighten everything about the bed. I can't sleep if there is a wrinkle in my bed. The husb comes in and will lie down and I throw a fit because I haven't made the bed yet. Seriously!!! How can you sleep in a bed that has wrinkles and the blanket on top is longer on one side than the other.. and really.. the edge of that fitted sheet isn't over the entire mattress corner! I will start to twitch when I can't make the bed before I get in. I will let the husb help me make the bed at night but it will result with me sighing a lot and pointing to the small wave that is still in the sheet that he hasn't pulled tight. Or how he hasn't pulled the top of the blanket up far enough or has pulled it up too far. It's a problem I know... He should know how to do it by now!! I've also showed him how to tuck in the corners on the top sheet so that it is nice and neat (thanks mom, that was all you! She even showed me how to properly fold a fitted sheet. I'm a pro!)

So I need to go buy a new set of sheets. I really think a person should have two sets of sheets for their bed. One just isn't enough.. or you end up like me waiting for your sheets to finish in the wash late at night (current time: 10:54 pm) so you can stay up even later and wait for them to dry. If you have a second set you can rip those nasty, stinky set of sheets off and just throw on a clean set and can be in bed reading the book you need to finish before your next book club by 10:30.. or heck even earlier.. or not. But to have more than 2 sets of sheets for one bed.. don't you think that is overkill? I would end up having 5 sets of sheets to wash because why wash that one you just took off if you have 4 more sets clean in the closet!? Now that would be a nightmare! I have a hard time getting off my lazy ass as it is to wash my clothes let alone 4 sets of dirty sheets! They would probably engulf me and my husband would have to live the rest of his life alone without a wife because she drowned in the sea of sheets in the basement. Poor guy.

ohh.. i think the washer is done.. off to put them in the dryer. mmm.... fresh sheets tonight. Even though it will be late, slipping into those will be heaven, too bad my man isn't home to share it with me tonight.

Yogurt... bust.

So recently I went to Whole Foods to buy a few groceries. I saw this yogurt and loved the design of the label and thought I'd give it a try. I really like the consistency. Its very thick like a custard and it is very pretty. You can see the specks of the vanilla bean and can smell the vanilla also. However this yogurt is too bitter for me. I'm kinda sad that it was a bust. It's so pretty and I wanted to like it so much. I might try one of their fruit yogurts in hopes it is sweeter. I think I'm going to keep the label.

blogging just to blog

I haven't written for a while. Suppose I just didn't think there was much to write about. Or that what has been on my mind isn't worth writing about or probably shouldn't be written here.

Something I probably should have blogged about.. I GOT MARRIED... sheesh. I got married and didn't even write about it. As it is, anyone who actually would take the time to read this already knows that I got married. For anyone that cares.. I got married on May 22, 2009. There.. I blogged about getting married. Consider this done.

So today.. the thing I have been thinking about is weird. Do you ever wish you had a life soundtrack? You know.. kinda like when you watch a movie and when the people are moving through the mundane parts of their day they have a song playing while there is no dialog. So on those days when I am sitting at my desk, or driving my car, or when I'm cleaning the litter boxes and I'm just alone and thinking.. i would like to have music playing in my head. Almost as if I had earbuds in and was listening to my iPod however the song would fit the time of my life and what was going on at the moment and my mood.. no one else could hear it.. just in my head.. no earbuds necessary. Unless of course I was in a conversation and it would fade into the background and I either couldn't hear it or it was extremely faint because HOW annoying would that be!

anyway.. that's where I'm at today. Oh.. and I'm thinking about trying to learn the guitar.

Whaddya think?

Raytown

Today I miss my house in Raytown.  I was looking at pictures today and ran across a picture I took of Eric sitting on the couch when we lived there.  I miss the light that came into the house.  It was always very light in there during the day.  I also miss the smallness of the place.  As much as I bitched about not having enough space I kinda miss it.   I miss the closeness of it all.  It was harder for two people to be so separated by the things that they are doing because they were only one room away instead of upstairs and down the hall.  Now when I try to find Eric I have to walk through the house calling his name upstairs and down.  I feel so separated by it all.  Our current house isn't huge but it is much bigger and sometimes he feels miles away.

So my opinion of it..  bigger isn't better when it comes to homes.   Love your small hallways that make you connect with your loved one as you pass them.   Love your small kitchens and how quickly it is to clean it up and the constant "bumping" into your spouse or kids when you both are in there.  Love your small homes while they are yours.  Cherish those memories and those connections. 

On the other hand..  Yards are always better bigger!   The bigger the better!

Daydreaming

Today I've been listening to some lovely music mostly consisting of Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong. I sit here at work and dream of where I would like to be right now.....

In a dark and smokey lounge with a band playing the music of Ella and Louis and other music of that era. A dark booth in the corner close to the band and obscured from most of the other patrons. A good bottle of wine and intimate conversation with a handsome man. While I enjoy sitting and listening to the music the thing I love the most is dancing. Dancing so close that you can't tell where one person stops and the other begins. Slow and without care. Feeling as if we are the only people in the room. My head resting in the crook of his neck. Taking in the smell of each others skin. Relaxing in each others arms letting the stress melt away.

That is were I am today.. where my dreams have taken me.

should be sleeping

It is the end of a 3 day weekend. This weekend was pretty great and completely unexpected. Friday we did a little shopping at Lowe's for a ceiling fan and an electric radiator. That evening we stayed in and just took it easy. Which was probably the best thing we could have done considering what the next two days brought us. Saturday I hooked up with a friend I haven't seen for far too long. We met up for breakfast at Atlanta Bread Co and chatted for a couple of hours. Another friend showed up toward the end of breakfast that I hadn't seen for awhile also. Celia & Christina.. It was good to see you again! Looking forward to more breakfasts! I went home after breakfast and Eric had gone out to a friends house for a few hours so to kill time I set out to install our new ceiling fan in the bedroom. I had to pat myself on the back for getting it up with no problems. I'd post a picture but I don't want to inflict the pain which is the crazy wallpaper on my bedroom ceiling upon you. After Eric got home we decided to go out. We decided upon O'Malley's. We normally don't go up to Weston on Friday or Saturdays but we thought what the heck. I looked up the band that was playing and they sounded pretty cool.. so we set out for Weston, MO. We got there and it was PACKED! Eric managed to find a table with a group of people that so kindly shared with us and we sat back and enjoyed the musical styling of Connacht Town. While there we ran into Wendy who we had met I believe on St Patrick's day up in Weston earlier last year. Of course I couldn't remember her name correctly and we called her Mindy.. but hey.. they sound alike! Anyway toward the end of the night Wendy came and sat with us and we had a blast. Met a few members of the band which by the way was amazing and I will see them play again! The lovely Wendy then introduced me to a shot called Irish Blow Job. So I proceeded to get drunk! I had a blast. As we were leaving Mike (one of the owners of O'Malley's) and Wendy asked us back on Sunday.. and we said Sure!! Why Not!! (first mistake). Sunday came and we went back up to Weston and we met up with Wendy again and I then had 3 1/2 pints of Magnars Cider, 2 Irish Blow Jobs, and 1 Irish Car Bomb.. I was wasted and we had a blast. I got so drunk I wasn't sure if I'd make it home without losing all the contents in my stomach.. We said our goodbyes and poor Eric had to drive a whiny drunk me home.. I always seem to remember how much fun it is to get drunk but never remember early enough how much it sucks to be so damn drunk and the pain it inflicts later.. It was amazingly awful. I did make it home and through the rest of the night without losing it. I had such a good time and hope Wendy considers us friends.. as we do her. So now it is Monday and Eric and I woke up feeling like crap but not really hungover. I was smart enough to take some Advil before I went to bed. We went out for breakfast and then got some more shopping done today and some laundry. I should have gotten more things done around the house this weekend but there is always tomorrow. So now I am sitting in bed and Eric is at work. Finally time to call the weekend over. I'm off to sleep now and hope I can get to sleep quickly and sleep soundly so that I can get up and go to work tomorrow and be productive. To Wendy, I'm glad we got to hang out and I hope we get together again soon and maybe have a couple of Irish Blow Jobs again!; Celia, it was good to catch up, till next month; Mike, I'm glad you got to see me! Ha!; Lauren, Coy, Justin & Jodie.. Thanks for sharing the table and all the laughs at O'Malley's; Eric, I always enjoy spending time with you and I already miss you and it's only Monday..... And Goodnight.

randomness

Check out this little girl!!!   So Freaking Cute!!!

Tash.. Jas..  you guys make some beautiful babies!

So I posted about music recently.. thanks for everyone that has given me some suggestions.. I am checking them all out and we'll see how many albums I end up buying on iTunes.  Michelle.. Thanks for the invite to Pandora.   I really like it!  I've been listening to it all day today and have found an artist I really like.  Kate Nash..  beautiful songs, beautiful voice!  

It's a couple of days away from Christmas..  so to you all that celebrate it!  Merry Christmas..  and to you that don't.   Merry Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Birthday to Mithra and what ever else is out there!

I want.. #2

Was out today viewing blogs and a friend of mine found this (Thanks Jocelyn!):

The Original Ruler Cuff $49.00
A fashion statement that really measures up! Seriously hip bracelet made out of high grade stainless steel. Inches (English) are etched on the outside and metric markings are on the inside. This stainless steel ruler is one size fits most. 3/4" tall and 6"/19mm long with an inch gap so that you can slide it on and adjust to any size.
http://shanalogic.com

Something else to add to the list of stuff that I want and will let other people buy me!!

Common Sense

A friend sent me this in an email.. and I found it to be a bit comical and sadly true.. enjoy
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An Obituary. Interesting and sadly true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, 'Common Sense', who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; that life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, but if you did anyway, the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust. His wife Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is, however, survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Dusty Homemaker?

Oh my goodness.. It's like something has taken over in my brain and I am finally getting some things done! Oh.. and get this.. Enjoying it!! OMG!

First lets start with the apples. My mom gave me a BUNCH of apples off her apple tree. I have now made a total of 4 apple pies. FOUR APPLE PIES.. I had to give them all away since there is no way I could even eat one whole apple pie. I think I had a total of 3 slices of pie before I just couldn't take it any more. I still have apples left and I have to figure out what to do with them before they start rotting on my front porch. If you have any ideas please let me know.

Next I worked on curtains for my entry hall. I have had the fabric for the curtains for over a year and have finally started working on them. We have even had the rods mounted for a year. (I am such a procrastinator) I have 2 of the 4 panels complete. I'll finish up the other 2 this week. I also finally hemmed a pair of Eric's pants that he had never gotten to wear because they were too long. Granted he won't be able to wear them much longer since he is losing weight. (47 pounds lost!! GO Sweetie!) They are already a bit too big for him but with a belt they are fine for the time being.

Now.. onto the big project. We have been remodeling our bathroom for 2 years now. We had the tile and all wainscoting and moldings installed last summer. I had started to paint only because we needed to get the toilet and radiator installed before winter hit. So by winter the wall that is behind the toilet and radiator was the only one painted. BUT we did have the ability to now take showers in our own home. That was so very exciting. That and I didn't have to go downstairs to go pee in the middle of the night and almost break my neck on the stairs. So this weekend we have been working away on the bathroom in order to get the sink installed and finish up the bathroom. I have been painting all day and it is almost complete. I have one more coat of white paint to put on the moldings and the wainscoting and then we can install the sink and a few of the metal fixtures. I will then have the window and the shelving unit left to paint which I hope to also finish this week or at least by the end of the weekend. I almost have a completely finished bathroom!!! Oh and we also got the door on! Granted we only got one of the three doors installed but it is the most important door of them all! The one that when someone is walking up the stairs they can't peek into the bathroom!

So I have been getting all this stuff done that has taken me more than a year to complete. I have also been better at keeping things picked up around this house. Granted we still have a long way to go before everything is gone through and organized but we are definitely moving in the right direction.

It is weird how I am suddenly in the mood to get this stuff done. So I am taking advantage of it and trying to not slow down. I don't know how long this will last before I get to the point where I can't stand to do it anymore. Let's hope it is after it get everything done.. Which I'm sure will be NEVER!

Another Older Post

Still consolidating my writing that I have been doing for awhile. This is a blog entry that was on my MySpace page that I wrote July 17, 2007.

I promise that I will post something new here real soon.

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Sometimes being alone sucks.

Some days (like tonight) I sit back and miss the days when I would have friends over almost every night. Ever since Jeff and I split up it seems that my life has gotten much emptier. Not that I don't love the guy I'm with, and he does fill my life with joy and is a great friend, it just gets lonely when he works nights and I have no one to talk to (which is most nights). I sit in this house with 3 cats and my dog and miss having people to just sit around and have a good time and laugh with. Sure seems like a long time ago when I used to go over to my brother-in-laws house and just play cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit with a group of friends. I really don't mind some days coming home and having the night to myself. But I do miss the card playing days.

I see my friends now with people they have known for many years.. They always have someone to talk to and stories to tell and inside jokes. I wonder now.. Was it me? Did something I do or something I said push people away.. am I just that forgettable? I have people I've known for many years just walk away and never say goodbye. People I used to be extremely close to and thought that we would always be friends just disappear, maybe to only be heard from again when I get an email when they need something... someone to watch their kids, someone to go help their mother with some catering job. Did the fact that I got a divorce really make people dislike me. I was a loyal friend.. I was always there if they needed me.. I still am there.. just quietly waiting.

I will admit...that once Jeff and I split I took some time out to just figure some things out. I needed some space to deal with what happened.. but the few that came around did not stay around.. the phone calls, what few there were, dwindled to none.

I'm not looking for pity here. I guess I'm just trying to understand...

I always tried to not be that pestering annoying friend.. maybe that was my downfall in not having life long friends. Maybe I tried so hard to not call too often and not say the wrong thing, to try and insure that they aren't saying about me what I've heard them say about so many other friends.. (Don't be the bitchy one.. don't say something stupid.. don't be too needy.. don't.. don't.. just don't) (don't lie.. you know we have all talked about our friends behind their backs).

WHY DO I LET THIS CRAP GET TO ME! {sigh}

Maybe now I still put too much thought into "trying" to have friends.. maybe it isn't that hard.. Maybe I just need to take the word "trying" out and just have some friends.

Surely I can figure this out.

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Anyone want to get together to play some cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit?

History

Here is something I wrote back when I first started to blog (April.. May.. not sure of the exact date I wrote this). This one never actually made it up onto the blog. I just though it was time to share.
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I have a tendency to space off at work. Watching out the window wishing I was out there and not in here. This job is sucking the life out of me. I figured out about a year ago that I no longer like my job and want to leave. But the same crap keeps me here just like a lot of other people that keep jobs that they don't want. I have good benefits and am paid pretty well, I have also been working here for almost 10 years so I have lots of vacation time that I can use also. That is my excuse... I won't be able to make as much money if I change jobs and I will have to start over and won't have 4 weeks of vacation that I can use. I know, it's a pretty lame excuse, but it keeps me sitting here in this cubicle hoping and praying that someone will come save me from this insanity that some people call a career and that I call torture.

I am just a few months into 29 years old, divorced, and now 4 years into a relationship with Eric. Don't have any kids yet, however I have managed to acquire four cats (it's 3 cats now) and a dog. We live in this beautiful old house that was Eric's Grandfathers. Beautiful is a relative term here though, the place still needs a lot of work, but it is a nice home. Two stories with 4 bedrooms and a basement, large attic, entry hall, living room, eat in kitchen and formal dining room that we turned into a library. Sounds pretty great I know, but for some reason it doesn't quite fit me. I'm pretty sure it's because it doesn't get enough sun light inside. We also have a really neat greenhouse in the back yard that is currently being used as storage but I hope to one day turn it into a studio for me to do art. The other really nice thing about this house is that there is no mortgage. The house has been in the family for so long that it was paid off some time ago so all we have are the utilities and taxes to pay. All in all it is a pretty great deal.

I also own a house in a neighboring town. The town I grew up in. I bought the house in 1999, two years before I got married. I just couldn't stand the thought of getting rid of the house after the divorce and after I moved in with Eric so I rented it out to a friend of Eric's about a year ago. He only stayed for 6 months and never paid his last month in rent. Left the house in a bit of shambles also. Don't think I can go through that again. I've since then become ok with selling the place so I am going to fix it up and hopefully get it sold soon. It was really hard for me to finally make that decision but it was the only thing that made sense. I have been through so much with that house it is really hard to think that someday it won't belong to me anymore and it will be creating new memories with a new family.

So I suppose I should say something about the past 9 years or so... In 1999 I got this job, working in the Prepress Department of a publishing company. This job enabled me to buy my first house. Jeff, my boyfriend at the time, had not so good credit and I had none being so young, so we were unable to rent an apartment. So the next best thing to do was buy. I bought the house on my own, I decided it wasn't a good idea to put Jeff's name on the house since we weren't married. It was a grand day when I bought that place, we had been living in his parents house for almost a year and my poor animals were tired of being cooped up in a small bedroom(as so was I).

So we moved in and began our life at that place we got to call home. Two years later we decided to get married. By then we had been together for 6 years and it only seemed right to make it official. I loved him dearly and never thought I could love anyone more than I loved him. We got married on February 10, 2001. While it was a cheap wedding it was quite beautiful. I decorated it to look like a winter wonderland and it just so happened to snow like crazy the night before the wedding so it all worked out for me. I was so happy that day. Finally marrying that beautiful man that I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life.

During that time my parents weren't doing so well. My mom had moved out of the house and was living with a friend. They had apparently been having problems for quite a while, though they were good at hiding it. My wedding was pretty hard on my father. He held me so tight when we danced I had to take very short breaths in order to not pass out. He told me to always remember my vows. If I get in hard times with Jeff to always remember my vows.

Later that year, I'm sure no one can forget, the twin towers fell. I remember standing in my department here at work realizing what just happened. I don't remember any sounds, just silence. Looking out the windows facing West into the empty sky. It seemed to me that even the birds stopped flying that day. For a moment the whole world to me stood still, and just a second later it seemed like everything was then moving as though someone hit the fast forward button. All I could hear were people talking and peoples computers with the news on and radios talking about the planes. People leaving work to get their kids. I just sat down and was silent. I don't think I called anyone. I believe I might have received a phone call from my big brother and maybe my mother. I remember so badly wanting to call my dad. I just didn't know what to say. Ever since mom and dad split I didn't know how to talk to him. I could always just see and feel the sadness oozing off him. It seemed as if his pain choked me and I just couldn't speak. I wish I had called him, I should have called him.

Two months later, the Sunday after Thanksgiving my dad shot and killed himself. Even today, seven years later, it's still hard to believe he is gone. I still have bad days where I wish he was here because he was always the one to help me when I wasn't feeling good about something. He had the most perfect hugs that made all the pain go way. It still hurts me that he won't be here to see his grandchildren. Or to see us kids grow up and become whoever we become as we get older. He wasn't here to see his youngest son graduate from high school. Or to mentor him with his welding. Today the only things I have left of him are his tools and my memories of him. I remember sitting on my couch when my mom told us what happened. Both my brothers, Jeff and I were at my house when it finally came out. I remember crying only because I knew that is what people expected of me. To fall apart and cry. I really just wanted to get up and go for a walk and be silent. I think I already knew he was gone by the time mom told us what was going on. I think of my older brother Jason who was outside our family house when it happened. How he kept his composure through that and later fell apart in my arms after the funeral. I only cried hard in front of other people a few times. The only time I let myself succumb to the pain of his death was when I was alone in my house. I never really let anyone see how badly he hurt me. Many nights alone by myself I sat in the middle of my living room floor screaming at him and asking him why. Crying and in so much pain from him doing this to our family but loving him so much that I could never hate him. I would sob until my body was sore and my face was raw from wiping away the tears and snot. My shirt and pants would be soaked. Finally exhausted so much that I couldn't cry anymore I would get up and take a shower and go to bed.

I think that watching my parents marriage fall apart it made me look a little closer to what was going on in my marriage. I felt that after the first year things just started to fall apart. It seemed that Jeff's friends became more important to him than me, and that what he wanted was more important than what was better for us. Perhaps I was being selfish but don't we all have to be at some point? To me the marriage just wasn't that anymore, it was more like a roommate that happened to sleep in the same bed. He would go to work on Saturday and come home pack up and head to Lawrence and sometimes not come back till Monday. I just started to feel so alone. I began to cling to his brother Ick (his real name is Eric.. but since there are two Erics in this story I am going to refer to Jeff's brother by his nickname Ick), and his friends. Everyday Ick and friends would show up at my house and we would all hang out, or go over to Ick's house and play cards or just sit around and talk and smoke. Every Tuesday we would go out to a bar and drink till 3am and it just seemed like Jeff really didn't care. Jeff would spend his evenings in the office playing on the computer. He seemed to engulf himself with his on-line computer games and his role-playing games that he played in Lawrence with his friends. I can remember days that he would come home from work and I would ask how his day went and he just didn't want to talk about it. But he loved talking about his video games or role-playing games. It was always about "if I could just get this many more dexterity points or if I could only do this one thing then I'd have this cool new power". I was just so over it.

So I decided to end my marriage in 2004. It just seemed unfair to me to try and make Jeff be something he obviously didn't want to be, or unfair to me to keep living my married life feeling so alone. I remember the night when I finally told him. We were both in bed and I think I might have been crying. I suddenly felt this huge weight fall on my chest. It felt like I sunk down in the bed a few inches because of this weight I knew at that time that I had to tell him it was over. I sat up and just said it. It was weird how calm everything was that night. I remember something about Jeff saying that the house was of course mine and that he would like to keep the Jeep. The next morning he left the house with a few of his things and stayed at a friends. The rest was an emotional blur. Me and him crying and yelling in the living room. Packing up his things. I felt like a failure. I had failed Jeff, failed at marriage and failed my father. I loved Jeff so much still but I just couldn't go on feeling that way and it seemed that I couldn't get how I was feeling through no matter how I put it to him that I finally gave up. Even to this day I sometimes wonder if I should have done things differently.

Jeff and I still talk on occasion. He has now moved out to Las Vegas and seems to be pretty happy out there. I think about him all the time, hoping that he is doing well and taking care of himself. I do miss my friend, probably more than he realizes. He called me about 2 years after we split and got a divorce to tell me that he realizes what happened. That he understood my frustration and that he was sorry. I'm glad that we can still talk and be friends.

Now I have Eric. I met Eric through Jeff actually. I think I was 17 when I first met him when Jeff took me to his friends house. They may have been playing role-playing games or table-top games, I can't remember. I was so shy back then but I do remember him. I was sitting on the couch when he walked in. I think we both said hi to each other before he went downstairs. I always thought he was an interesting guy. I really didn't get to know him until things started falling apart in my marriage years later.

Eric started hanging out with Ick and I after he was in a car accident and wasn't able to drive or work for 6 months. So Ick and I would go pick him up and bring him back to my house or Ick's house and we would all hang out. If it was the weekend we all (the whole group of friends) might stay the night at Ick's house and hang out all weekend. Everyone saw the problems in my marriage. Even Ick, Jeff's brother, saw it. We would invite Jeff over with us and he would rather stay home. Or he would go home on the weekend and I would stay there. It all just didn't fit.

After I ended it with Jeff it seemed everyone disappeared. No one called, or wanted to hang out anymore. Granted I do understand why. Ick was Jeff's brother. It just didn't make since for him to hang out with me anymore. The only person that would call me to go out or just hang out and talk was Eric. We still went out on Tuesday nights to see a friend play at a local bar, or go out to a local Irish Pub to see another friend play. Then one day our friendship turned into something more. We were sitting on my couch watching Master and Commander, he looked over at me with this look that I don't think I can explain...longing, loving something along those lines, and then it was over. We were stuck together like bees on honey, and have been ever since.

We have now been together for almost 4 years, and I am trying my best to hold on to it with all my might.

nothing to write about

I have nothing much to write about. Mostly because everything that is going on right now I can't write about... for fear of getting fired perhaps. Most of my frustrations and things happening right now are work related. Of course then there is the I'm BROKE!! problem which is totally irritating. Can't even pay a couple of bills this month... well they will just be late.. but it still sucks! I just wish I had everything under control again.. feels a bit chaotic lately (But my kitchen is clean!)

Sigh.. ok.. off to work. Maybe next month I'll have something fun to write about.