I am what I am...

I was reading Jewel's blog today (yes the singer Jewel) and she writes a bit about what I have been thinking about a lot recently. She even wrote a song about it.. imagine that..

Basically she talks about how we view ourselves. How we are what we are and how we try so hard to be what we aren't because we don't think we are good enough, strong enough or beautiful enough.

This is something I fight with myself and my emotions a lot with. I believe I am getting better and trying hard to keep from thinking that I'm not smart or beautiful enough. But it is hard. I believe I have done well surrounding myself with people that love me for who I am. They believe I am smart and beautiful. It's me I have a problem with. This person inside that just can't see what they see. I don't think I'm an idiot or am ugly.. i just don't see myself where I want to be. I don't see what my friends and family see.

I tell myself that I want to be liked for "who I am".... but who am I when I don't relax and just let it be.. let myself relax and like the things I like and dislike the things I dislike? I think as I have gotten older it has become much easier for me to realize who I am and to start to like myself. To not avoid mirrors because I don't like what I see. Slowly but surely I am looking in the mirror and seeing less faults and a beautiful woman appear. Someone who IS strong and who IS smart. To realize that it is OK to not have an opinion on something and that doesn't mean I'm not smart. It just means I don't have an opinion. It's ok to not know the proper word to get what I want to say across.. I can laugh at myself more. I can ask questions when I don't understand and not feel like the stupid girl. I can wear clothes that don't cover my knees because I thought they were ugly. I am becoming more comfortable with me.

The song Jewel wrote has a lot of meaning for me. I want that to be something I strive for.. to understand that I am what I am.. It's ok to be me.. And to see that I am good enough, strong enough, & beautiful enough.. For ME! It is important to believe those things about yourself.

Here are the Lyrics to her song:

WHAT YOU ARE (Jewel and Dave Berg)

I’M DRIVING AROUND TOWN
KINDA BORED WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN
I SEE A GIRL ON A BUS STOP BENCH
DRESSED TO DRAW ATTENTION
HOPING EVERYONE WILL STARE
IF SHE DON’T STAND OUT
SHE THINKS SHE’LL DISAPPEAR
I WISH I COULD HOLD HER, TELL HER, SHOW HER
WHAT SHE WANTS IS ALREADY THERE

A STAR IS A STAR
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO TRY TO SHINE
WATER WILL FALL
A BIRD JUST KNOWS HOW TO FLY
YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL A FLOWER HOW TO BLOOM
OR LIGHT HOW TO FILL UP A ROOM
YOU ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE - IS BEAUTIFUL

I HEARD A STORY THE OTHER DAY
TOOK PLACE AT THE LOCAL V.A.
A FATHER TALKING TO HIS DYING SON
THIS WAS HIS CONVERSATION:
IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS
YOU CAN’T GO FIRST, I CAN'T HANDLE IT
THE BOY SAID DAD, NOW DON’T YOU CRY
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A CHILD WHAT YOU USED TO TELL ME
WHEN I’D ASK WHY, YOU’D SAY...

GRAVITY IS GRAVITY
IT DOESN’T TRY TO PULL YOU DOWN
A STONE IS STONE
IT CAN’T HELP BUT HOLD IT’S GROUND
THE WIND JUST BLOWS THOUGH YOU CANNOT SEE
IT’S EVERYWHERE JUST LIKE I WILL ALWAYS BE
ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE - IS STRONG ENOUGH

LOOK IN THE MIRROR
NOW THAT’S ANOTHER STORY TO TELL
I GIVE LOVE TO OTHERS
BUT I GIVE MYSELF HELL
I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF
IN EVERY SEED THERE’S A PERFECT PLAN
WHAT I HOPE TO BE I ALREADY AM

A FLOWER IS A FLOWER
IT DOESN’T HAVE TO TRY TO BLOOM
LIGHT IS LIGHT
IT JUST KNOWS HOW TO FILL A ROOM
DARK IS DARK
SO THE STARS HAVE A PLACE TO SHINE
THE TIDE GOES OUT
SO IT CAN COME BACK ANOTHER TIME
GOODBYE MAKES HELLO SO SWEET
AND LOVE IS LOVE SO THAT IT CAN TEACH US
THAT WE ALREADY ARE WHAT WE ARE
AND WHAT WE ARE - IS BEAUTIFUL
AND STRONG ENOUGH
AND GOOD ENOUGH
AND BRIGHT ENOUGH....

Ah Sheet

So I am an idiot. Here it is 10:30 at night and I just put a load of laundry in the wash. But it wasn't just any laundry. It was the sheets off my bed. It was so far beyond time to wash them.. I know.. you all don't want to hear about my dirty sheets and how long they were on my bed before I washed them, but they are my favorite sheets. I do have another set of sheets but I don't love them. So now I will be up waiting for those to finish in the wash then have to sit and wait for them to dry. So I seriously don't see me going to bed till after midnight tonight. So what better time than to write!
(bad.. in the few sentences i have already written there are 4 that start with So... I so seriously have a problem... So.... )

I have been meaning to buy some new sheets for my bed since I don't like the other set that I have. The fitted sheet doesn't stay on the mattress.. and it drives me nuts! But if I was to be honest, my favorite sheets don't stay on the mattress either, but they stay on better!! My favorite sheets are the kind that are nice and crisp and cool when you get into bed. They aren't scratchy or too stretchy. I know that sounds weird.. but have you ever had a set of sheets that after one night they seem too big for the bed and every time you make your bed you have to pull them on all sides and practically tuck a ton of extra sheet that you have NO idea where it has come from back under the mattress??!! I don't like stretchy sheets. Those jersey sheets, don't like... flannel, don't like.. too stretchy. They may be warm in the winter but I hate to have to make a bed with those kind of sheets on them.

Now my husband would probably agree I am crazy when it comes to making the bed. The odd part about that is... I don't make the bed in the morning even when I can. Most of the time the husb is still sleeping so I can't, but on those odd mornings when we get up around the same time I don't care so much about making the bed. I make the bed right before I get into it at night. I have to straighten everything about the bed. I can't sleep if there is a wrinkle in my bed. The husb comes in and will lie down and I throw a fit because I haven't made the bed yet. Seriously!!! How can you sleep in a bed that has wrinkles and the blanket on top is longer on one side than the other.. and really.. the edge of that fitted sheet isn't over the entire mattress corner! I will start to twitch when I can't make the bed before I get in. I will let the husb help me make the bed at night but it will result with me sighing a lot and pointing to the small wave that is still in the sheet that he hasn't pulled tight. Or how he hasn't pulled the top of the blanket up far enough or has pulled it up too far. It's a problem I know... He should know how to do it by now!! I've also showed him how to tuck in the corners on the top sheet so that it is nice and neat (thanks mom, that was all you! She even showed me how to properly fold a fitted sheet. I'm a pro!)

So I need to go buy a new set of sheets. I really think a person should have two sets of sheets for their bed. One just isn't enough.. or you end up like me waiting for your sheets to finish in the wash late at night (current time: 10:54 pm) so you can stay up even later and wait for them to dry. If you have a second set you can rip those nasty, stinky set of sheets off and just throw on a clean set and can be in bed reading the book you need to finish before your next book club by 10:30.. or heck even earlier.. or not. But to have more than 2 sets of sheets for one bed.. don't you think that is overkill? I would end up having 5 sets of sheets to wash because why wash that one you just took off if you have 4 more sets clean in the closet!? Now that would be a nightmare! I have a hard time getting off my lazy ass as it is to wash my clothes let alone 4 sets of dirty sheets! They would probably engulf me and my husband would have to live the rest of his life alone without a wife because she drowned in the sea of sheets in the basement. Poor guy.

ohh.. i think the washer is done.. off to put them in the dryer. mmm.... fresh sheets tonight. Even though it will be late, slipping into those will be heaven, too bad my man isn't home to share it with me tonight.

writing..

Is actually going to start writing again.. about what? I'm not sure.. but I am going to start.

but don't hold your breath.. It could be a day or so before I get something posted and I'd rather not have any of you pass out on me before you get to see my seriously non-interesting posts about pretty much nothing!

Can't wait!!