a few random thoughts for the end of the year

- i miss working in the same company/office as my big brother.
- it's been 10 years.. but i still miss my dad as much as i did 9 years ago.
- even though it seems rather impossible i do love my husband more every day.
- to steal a quote from my friend terra: i am thankful for friends that are family and family that are friends
- though the past couple months of this year have been both beautiful and painful, i come out of it with a smile and more hope and belief than years past.
- i like writing cryptic sentences..
- there were so many times i wanted to blog about something very specific that i was going through at that moment and didn't.. i wish i had.. maybe i still will.. new goal; Write More!
- i wish i could work part-time and then volunteer with animal rescue or animal shelters
- while i do like all the owl shirts and jewelry..  i'd prefer sloths
- i love my momma so much
- i hope to be a better friend in the new year
- being positive about life and work and friends has been hard the past few months.. going to strive to be more positive and supportive.. if i'm not please slap some sense into me!

to my friends that are my family and to my beautiful family that are my best friends
stay safe, wear your seatbelts, slow down and enjoy life and above all know this..

I love you all.

Here's to a better and "productive" new year!!!
(and by "productive" i mean babies..  and by babies i mean i want a baby! wish me luck ya'll, we need it!!)

Annihilation

We were in demo mode again tonight.  However tonight we started on the real messy stuff.. Lathe & Plaster.  Otherwise known as dusty.as.shit.and.a.pain.in.my.ass.

But i think it went well.  It really isn't all that hard to take down and Eric can take down large sections of the walls really fast.. but i can't clean it up faster then he can take it down. So i gave up and left a mess for this weekend when we can bring the lawnmower with the trailer to haul down to the dumpster.

Some photos of the progress...

Assessing the job at hand..  otherwise known as taking a break


Eric Smash!


The mess


Where we left it for the night


rubble..


I mentioned in the last post about the ceiling being wallpapered.. but what i didn't mention was the weird placement of the light fixture in there..


Never mind the wires hanging from the ceiling.. i think that went to the motion sensors that used to be in the living room directly beneath the room.  We didn't use them (we have cats and dogs) so we removed them from downstairs but never took the awkward wiring out from this room.

At this point i think i'm going to leave the ceiling in place and i might just leave the electrical in the ceiling where it is too.  I have a chandelier i am putting in this room so i might just do the decorative chain/cord and hook in order to get the light in the middle of the room.  Only time will tell.

We got the most part of 1 1/2 walls done.  We should have the room completely gutted by this weekend!!  And we can thank tonights fast work of ripping down the walls to THE ANNIHILATOR by Dead on Tools.



This tool is pretty awesome..
And it has a skull on it!  So you know.. that makes it work better.



Your parting gift for this evening isn't a picture of one of my pets.. but of my fantastic face:



Hot!

meaning it's time to go take a Hot! shower and go the heck to bed.
over and out...

tortured

It's December. Kinda hard to believe that the year is almost over. Right about a year ago Eric and I decided that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. I had actually gone off birth control in March of '07 however we weren't actually trying at the time. I went off because I don't like being on the hormones. They are real rough on my body and I get infections and cause other physical pain that was pretty uncomfortable. So I quit taking birth control secretly hoping I would get pregnant quickly and easily. Then at the end of December very early January I was talking to Eric and we decided that we would actually start paying attention to everything. If you don't know what I mean by "everything" then too bad.. I'm not telling. So I started writing things down and paying attention to my body more.
That was such an emotional time for me. I would break down and cry every time my period started. It was so emotionally draining. Finally around June I was so emotionally drained by worrying about trying to get pregnant I decided to relax and be ok with not getting pregnant. I knew it wasn't good for me to be so stressed out about it all. I started going out with friends more and so long as my period started on time I was fine and I just moved on. I even gave up trying all together for a couple of months. I just needed to give myself a break. I just quit thinking about it. But as the year has passed and I inch to becoming 30 all the feeling of wanting to have a child came flooding back. It didn't help matters with my brother and his wife had their second child in October.
I hadn't been to the gynaecologist for 2 years and I finally went back. I needed to get my standard checkup and discuss with the doctor that we had been off birth control for 18 months and have had no luck getting pregnant. Fortunately my checkup went well and everything looks good. The doctor wants me to take ovulation tests for two months to be sure I am ovulating. If we don't get pregnant with the help of the ovulation tests the next thing to do is test Eric. We are not there yet but I worry.
Last month I did the first month of ovulation tests. I didn't have high hopes. I had tried ovulation tests with my previous marriage and I had never had a test come up positive. I really didn't believe that any of the tests would come up positive. But one day I walked back into the bathroom after taking a test and had to take a double take. The test was positive. I think I looked at that test 5 or 6 times making sure I read it correctly. HOLY CRAP! I was ovulating and I could prove it! Then came the waiting game. Wait.. wait.. wait.. my period should start today.. no wait it should start tomorrow... Then it came. I was upset but tried to not let it bother me too much. So now I'm getting ready to start the second round of peeing on sticks. I hope.. I hope we get our timing right.
I am now 1 month away from turning 30. I always thought I would have kids before I was 30. I thought I'd have kids.. plural.. more than one by the age of 30. It's pretty hard for me to swallow. I always thought that this would be easy for me. I don't know why I thought that but I never thought it would take 2 years to get pregnant. I know people have tried much longer than I to get pregnant but that doesn't mean it still isn't hard to endure.
I see children when we are out and about and it will bring me to tears. It's hard to explain how much I long to have a child. How much I want to look down at a baby that looks like Eric and I. Recently Eric's mom sent me pictures of him as a toddler and I will sit and stare at the pictures of him. I see that face and I wish I could hear what he had to say and to sit and watch him learn. I can't wait to see who our children will grow up to be. I see babies on TV and I think, "how lucky those people are to have that baby that is a piece of them". My heart hurts for the child I have yet to have. I never knew that anyone could long for something so badly.

inspiration..

I love this dress... I want.. but can't find anything like it..























Gonna have to start working out if I'm gonna look anything like that when I get married!

Holy crap.. I'm getting married... again

Eureka!

The trip to Eureka was nice. I think it was just nice to take the week off really. We drove down to Eureka Springs on Wednesday and stayed at the Bavarian Inn. We mostly picked that place because they also have a restaurant that makes German style and Czech style food.
While the place wasn't fancy it was clean and our room was huge. Also the people there were very nice. (Thanks Michelle for all your help!)
Wednesday night after we got settled in our room we ate at their restaurant and the food was amazing! I would totally stay and eat there again and again. After dinner we went into the shopping district and had drinks at the Pied Piper. Pretty neat place. Almost got to see the bartender beat down some white trash that was yelling at her because the building was a non-smoking building. Needless to say we had a good time!
Thursday we got up and the Inn had something like blueberry coffee cake that was delicious and we had some hot tea with that. We then headed out to see all the springs we could find. I think we found all but one (Magnetic Springs to the right). We also went up to see the great big Jesus on the hill. That was fun. We walked over 2 miles that morning before lunch. We then stopped in the Whale & Squid for the best chicken nachos I have ever had! After that we were exhausted and decided to go back to the Inn to take a nap.
After our nap we got up and went for a drink at the Basin Inn Hotel. They have a balcony bar that overlooks the shopping area and is very pretty. We then headed down to the Grand Tavern in for dinner. It was pretty damn good. Especially because I got some goat cheese! We had steak and potatoes and it was so very good. Afterward we hopped into the car and Eric decided he wanted to take a scenic route back to where we were staying. He stopped at the Magnetic Springs and we walked up and sat up there and listened to the woods and watched the stars. It was a beautiful night. A little chilly but not too bad. We sat for a while and talked about nothing much. We then stood up and looked the other way at the stars. Eric was talking about how we both seem to always hunt out the quiet secluded places when we go on vacations. We like our solitude so long as we have someone to share it with. He asked me if I could do this forever with him and I said of course I could. He then looked down at his hand and I followed his gaze and there he held an open ring box that sparkled in the moonlight. At this moment I started bawling.... and bawling... and bawling. I think I had been waiting for so long and had been wishing and hoping that he would ask that I almost expected it to never happen. After I calmed down he was then able to ask "Will you marry me?" and I said Yes... of course! I have the beautiful diamond ring now and I also get to marry my best friend in the world! I am sooo very excited and I almost don't know where to start! Here is a picture of us at Magnetic Springs on Friday. We decided to go back and get a few more pictures. We didn't say anything to anyone until we got back into town and was able to tell his mom and my mom in person. By the end of Friday we were were so very exhausted, emotionally and physically.
Eureka Springs was so beautiful and will always be a place that I remember. Someday it will be nice to be able to take our kids back there and show them the place where he proposed.

So the question that everyone is asking... No we don't have a date picked out yet. We have only spoken a little bit about it. I can tell you this much.. it will be sometime next year. We are so very short on cash right now that we will have to wait and save up so we can do what we want. I know you all want to know and we will tell you when we have it all figured out.

Here is a picture of my ring!

I no longer have a boyfriend

This past week Eric and I had taken off to do things together. On Wednesday we went to Eureka Springs to stay a couple of days. During that time he and I discussed many things and it was decided that we are no longer going to be boyfriend & girlfriend. That instead it would be better for us to depart from that. So now I am forced to move onto another chapter of my life and have to deal with the fact that I am going to have to spend a lot of my time planning a wedding!

Can't Help Myself

I have tried.. and I can't stop myself from posting these pictures.

Eric's mom sent me an email today with pictures of Eric as a widdle kid and I have to share so you all can see how cute he is/was!





Sorry sweetie.. I love you!

depressed..

So I've been depressed for a while now. I just really don't know how to get out of this funk. I keep thinking that something needs to happen so I quit feeling like I'm being held underwater against my will.. not that I would want to be held underwater for any reason. just sayin..

Today I woke up with this pure hatred for Eric's computer. Why does his computer get so much of his time! I'm sure I'm overreacting.

I also am currently having issues with my job.. which I won't go into detail here as I just read about someone getting fired from their job due to it. But I'll tell you this.. right now I think work just really SUCKS!

Then there is this overwhelming sense that my life isn't where it should be right now. I'm supposed to be at home with my kid(s) taking care of my home and my husband and spending time with my family. And I feel so far away from that. Even though I don't have kids yet.. and I'm not married yet.. I still feel like being at work is making depressed. As I get older my days go by so much faster and I feel like there is so much that I am missing.. Time with Eric, time with my brothers and my nephew, time with my mom or with Eric's mom. This time that I am missing because I am at work scares me. I feel like it is all slipping through my fingers and it is time I'll never be able to get back. Memories that I should be making and cherishing and instead I'm sitting in a cube farm with people that either don't get me or don't respect me. I do respect many people here at work and their dedication to their job and what they do and I think that is great. I so used to be that person.. but these past few years that feeling in me has changed. I want to have the ability to clean my house when it is daylight outside. I don't want to spend my entire weekend working on my house and doing chores. My weekends are for me. They are my time to spend with Eric doing what ever we want to do even if that means sleeping till 2 in the afternoon and vegging on the couch all day, never once thinking about all the laundry that needs to be done. My house is in total chaos right now and that just makes all this worse. I just don't feel like I have time to keep up with it. I get up every morning and go to work from 8 to whenever they will let me out of here.. which is usually at or after 5. I then have a 30 (and sometimes more) drive home. I then figure out what I'm going to have for dinner eat and by then it is close to 8. Eric and I sit and talk or watch TV for a few before he has to get ready for work.. I then prepare his dinner and get it all packaged up and ready to go.. He leaves around 9:30 to go to work.. Then the day is done.. I usually have no energy to do anything around the house and go lie down in bed with a book or my laptop until I can't keep my head up any longer and the next day I do the same crap again.
I just feel that I should be doing so much more than sitting in my cube in the corporate world. I'm really ok with having a job but at the moment I can't take a pay cut so leaving is really out of the question until I sell my old house.
The problem is that I've lost all energy to try and make it better anymore. I just want something to happen and "Poof" it's all better. I know this is not how it works... but I can't seem to fix myself right now.. Let alone all this other crap.

I need a permanent vacation..

it's been so long

It's been a while since I've written.. Life has been pretty pleasant lately. Well.. of course other than the flip out I had last week. (Lets just blame that on PMS) I'm pretty excited about this week. I have dinner with Christy tomorrow. It's been really nice getting together with her again. Plus we eat sushi.. so that makes it all better! This week is also a short week for me. Thursday is Eric's an my 4 year anniversary. Can't hardly believe it has been so long. Time has just flown by. I don't think there is anything special planned but I thought it was a good excuse to take some time off work. It makes for a 5 day weekend! Nothin' much better than that! Think we are going to go to our favorite Italian restaurant.
So to recap this weekend... Eric finally got some time off after working 19 days in a row. I baked cookies on Saturday and took them to book club with me. This week we talked about Blink. Good book.. neat ideas.. hard to read. The guy kept repeating himself. I agree with Michelle, every chapter started off really good but then it all just became so repetitious that it just made it very hard to read. Next book will be Eat Pray Love. I already finished the book. I really loved it. I might even read it again. So I left Jill's house from the book club around 5:00 and went home to spend a weekend with my boy. He hadn't even taken a shower when I got there.. just a pain in the ass.. but I love him. So he got dressed and then we headed out for food at Jason's Deli. I had a wonderful sandwich, the California Club, despite the people there. I really can't stand going into a restaurant where the workers despise their jobs so much they find the customers to be an annoyance. If you hate your job so much go the fuck home! I've worked in the food business for many years. I know what it is like to have a dinner rush right before you close. Get over it.. and take my order without having an attitude! Anyway.. Eric had a salad and a very small portion of my sandwich. We then headed out to the theater to see Iron Man. We really enjoyed the movie. Looks like there is going to be more! I think that will be exciting. We then headed home and called it a night. Sunday was nice.. The weather was perfect this weekend. We headed out and got some shopping done, which made for a long day. Seemed like it was all a bit of a bust anyway. So we went to Lowes, Sams Club, Bed Bath & Beyond and Target. Of course we did all this shopping in Independence which made it worse. I hate all the stores in Independence. They never carry what I need or want at the time. I still don't know why I bother. It is just as fast to go up to Liberty. After all the shopping we were exhausted so we went home and ate some dinner and I fell asleep on the couch. All in all it was a pretty lovely weekend. I think this coming weekend will be just as good! I'm really glad Eric is getting Saturdays and Sundays off now. Plus me having 5 days off in a row won't hurt!
Till then!

love

So I thought about love today also. I think it is pretty grand. I have a wonderful man. I wish I could do more for him. If I could show the world how he looks at me and smiles it just might bring peace to this crazy place. He makes me happy even through the crappiest days. Today I sat in our lazy-boy all sick and ugly looking watching a TV series on my laptop. He comes down and tells me that I'm cute. Totally hard to imagine.... I looked so bad. Yesterdays makeup, red nose from blowing it all day, oily hair pulled up in a bun, bad breath.. I'm sure I could go on.. but I'll spare you. And even though I felt like shit and looked the part he made me smile and laugh. He made me happy. I giggled today and I tried my best to make him laugh (totally succeeded!!) This man I wake up to in the mornings is amazing, kind and patient. How could a crazy girl like me be so lucky. He makes me light up. And while I could probably live my life without him.. I could get my butt out of bed and make it into work and pay my bills and have friends that make me laugh and perhaps be with another man.. but why would I? This man I want to walk through this life with and the afterlife with. We made a pact... We would die together. We will be together hand in hand to walk into the life here after together. I would follow him anywhere... Ever see that movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? It's something like that. I may say I need a day off from being with him.. but once he is around I never want him to leave. I'm not even saying our relationship is easy.. but loving him is and it's pretty easy to tell he loves me back. I suppose that is one of the best things. To feel loved back is amazing and to be able to see it and hear it and know it is more than i could ever hope for. I know what it is like to wonder if the man I'm with truly loves me. More than that "I hope she is happy and healthy love".. More like the "I will break you if you make her shed one tear because you have said something mean to her" love. The love that doesn't know shame. The love that cries when watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind during scenes when they are just sitting on the couch and hanging out.. because it reminds him of how much he loves to be with me. To sit on the couch doing nothing with me. Is that love? I think so..

Can't they figure out a better system!!!

So now I'm irritated..

So Eric and I weren't paying much attention this weekend and we didn't realize that we didn't get his schedule in. It's been the exact same thing for the past 3 or 4 weeks so we just didn't realize that we didn't get a new schedule.

Come to find out he was supposed to work last night and have Saturday and Sunday off!! That just pisses me off. We could have had the entire weekend but instead their system of sending schedules failed to work and we never got the changes.

They insist on faxing schedules.. WTF.. Haven't they heard of email.. they could then confirm easily that the person got it. Stupid people.

I really hate this company that he is working for. Really wish he would get a different job.
But I suppose that would be more for me than for him. I wish he had a job with the same hours as me.. I'm selfish and I want to have more time with him. I want it to be easier for us to plan things like days off or evenings together.

Gonna have to start buying lottery tickets so we can win lots of money... might be the only way we will get the ability to spend more time together.

..sorry for the pity party..