Check out this little girl!!!   So Freaking Cute!!!

Tash.. Jas..  you guys make some beautiful babies!

So I posted about music recently.. thanks for everyone that has given me some suggestions.. I am checking them all out and we'll see how many albums I end up buying on iTunes.  Michelle.. Thanks for the invite to Pandora.   I really like it!  I've been listening to it all day today and have found an artist I really like.  Kate Nash..  beautiful songs, beautiful voice!  

It's a couple of days away from Christmas..  so to you all that celebrate it!  Merry Christmas..  and to you that don't.   Merry Hanukkah, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy Birthday to Mithra and what ever else is out there!


It's December. Kinda hard to believe that the year is almost over. Right about a year ago Eric and I decided that it was time to start trying to get pregnant. I had actually gone off birth control in March of '07 however we weren't actually trying at the time. I went off because I don't like being on the hormones. They are real rough on my body and I get infections and cause other physical pain that was pretty uncomfortable. So I quit taking birth control secretly hoping I would get pregnant quickly and easily. Then at the end of December very early January I was talking to Eric and we decided that we would actually start paying attention to everything. If you don't know what I mean by "everything" then too bad.. I'm not telling. So I started writing things down and paying attention to my body more.
That was such an emotional time for me. I would break down and cry every time my period started. It was so emotionally draining. Finally around June I was so emotionally drained by worrying about trying to get pregnant I decided to relax and be ok with not getting pregnant. I knew it wasn't good for me to be so stressed out about it all. I started going out with friends more and so long as my period started on time I was fine and I just moved on. I even gave up trying all together for a couple of months. I just needed to give myself a break. I just quit thinking about it. But as the year has passed and I inch to becoming 30 all the feeling of wanting to have a child came flooding back. It didn't help matters with my brother and his wife had their second child in October.
I hadn't been to the gynaecologist for 2 years and I finally went back. I needed to get my standard checkup and discuss with the doctor that we had been off birth control for 18 months and have had no luck getting pregnant. Fortunately my checkup went well and everything looks good. The doctor wants me to take ovulation tests for two months to be sure I am ovulating. If we don't get pregnant with the help of the ovulation tests the next thing to do is test Eric. We are not there yet but I worry.
Last month I did the first month of ovulation tests. I didn't have high hopes. I had tried ovulation tests with my previous marriage and I had never had a test come up positive. I really didn't believe that any of the tests would come up positive. But one day I walked back into the bathroom after taking a test and had to take a double take. The test was positive. I think I looked at that test 5 or 6 times making sure I read it correctly. HOLY CRAP! I was ovulating and I could prove it! Then came the waiting game. Wait.. wait.. wait.. my period should start today.. no wait it should start tomorrow... Then it came. I was upset but tried to not let it bother me too much. So now I'm getting ready to start the second round of peeing on sticks. I hope.. I hope we get our timing right.
I am now 1 month away from turning 30. I always thought I would have kids before I was 30. I thought I'd have kids.. plural.. more than one by the age of 30. It's pretty hard for me to swallow. I always thought that this would be easy for me. I don't know why I thought that but I never thought it would take 2 years to get pregnant. I know people have tried much longer than I to get pregnant but that doesn't mean it still isn't hard to endure.
I see children when we are out and about and it will bring me to tears. It's hard to explain how much I long to have a child. How much I want to look down at a baby that looks like Eric and I. Recently Eric's mom sent me pictures of him as a toddler and I will sit and stare at the pictures of him. I see that face and I wish I could hear what he had to say and to sit and watch him learn. I can't wait to see who our children will grow up to be. I see babies on TV and I think, "how lucky those people are to have that baby that is a piece of them". My heart hurts for the child I have yet to have. I never knew that anyone could long for something so badly.


Crafty Presents

I decided to make something for my niece for Christmas instead of buying her a gift.

Originally I had hoped to make her a doll that had a rattle in side of it but I haven't found my old doll that I will use as a pattern and I didn't find any patterns on line that I liked. But then I ran across a blog posting about felt blocks. I thought they were pretty darn cute so I decided to make them myself.

This picture isn't the best because I took it with my my cell phone but you can get the idea.

The block is made out of felt and the colors are actually a lilac, light blue, gray & a deep purple. I'll have to post better pictures when I'm not so tired. The pattern I found the blocks were a bit smaller, these are 4" blocks. And I decided to put the shapes on them. I cut out shapes and sewed them onto the 4" squares with my sewing machine. I then hand stitched all the seams with an off white and bright pink thread. I then filled with batting inserting 2 bells so it jingles.

I do believe I have out done myself this year! This only took a couple of hours to get all the pieces cut out for 2 blocks and get the first one sewn together. The next one won't take too long since I have it all figured out now.



A letter to my friends.. well that and all of the Internet.

Dearest Friends,
I would like you to know that I like music. Actually I love music. While I don't like all music I have always felt a connection to music, the rhythm, the melodies, the emotions. I've been to a symphony concert and had tears rolling down my face because it was absolutely beautiful. I like classic rock, soft rock, heavy metal, classical, some country, folk, music from other countries where I don't have a clue what language it is or what they are saying but the sound is so awesome that I can't stop listening, hell I even like yodeling and polka. Okay, okay.. I think you get the point. Now the problem... I don't get out much. I listen to the radio but that is usually the only way I find new music. Which, by the way is really difficult (for me at least) to figure out what song is playing and by whom.. since the radio stations don't tell you that kind of stuff very often.. really pisses me off. I'm not much of a web surfing kind of gal. I've been doing more but still not very good at it and not sure that I care to be good at it. Internet sleuthing... not really my thing much. I get on the computer.. I check my email.. a very little bit of Hollywood gossip and that is pretty much it. So I am here now asking you all to let me know of bands you think I would like and that I should look up and listen. Hell.. even bands that have been around for a while.. that "I should know because everyone knows who The Smiths are!" And no.. I didn't know who The Smiths were until a few weeks ago.. I had no idea who Morrissey was!!! (told you I don't get out much!!) Yes I have heard some of their songs but I had never heard the band name The Smiths.
I bring this up because.. lately I keep hearing a song on the radio and I really like it. Rockin' out in my car driving down the highway. I never hear the radio idiots say what the name of the song is before it plays or by whom.. so I always wait for the song to be over and intently listen.. and then... and then... NOTHING! No song title... no band name.. nothing! Really pisses me off! Stupid radio. Lately the radio has pissed me off so much I haven't listened to it in over a week. Any way.. so my brother came to me just today telling me about a CD his wife got him and I go "hmm", you know I have heard of that band.. I have a couple of other friends that have mentioned them briefly amongst themselves and I finally thought.. well maybe I'll remember to look them up when I get home. Of course I don't look them up till..(what time is it.. ) 1:00AM! Which is the time I finally remembered to go out to the iTunes and type in their name. I pick the bands most popular song and WTF!!! THERE IS THAT DAMN SONG I HAVE CONSTANTLY WAITED FOR THE RADIO ASS-HOLES TO TELL ME WHO IT WAS THEY WERE PLAYING! So friends.. I have finally looked up Kings Of Leon. A lovely group of brothers and a cousin from Tennessee that has some pretty amazing music.
Oh.. so I should get to my point.. If you know of a band and you think I'll like it please mention it to me.. I may know a song or two without knowing the actual bands name.. and have been really frustrated in my inept ability to find music that I have heard and liked. Please please share.. because if you don't actually share that info with me I won't remember to look them up.. I am not real smart and would think.. "you know.. my friends have mentioned that band to each other... they really seem to like them.. but I don't have a clue who they are.. maybe I should look them up".. I really do need your help.. So I'm pleading with you now.. Please send me your suggestions. Please HELP ME! Make me listen!

My latest suggestion is holiday music: The Hotel Cafe Presents Winter Songs, my favorite song is called Winter Song by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson. The album is by various artist singing winter or holiday songs. Other artists on the album include Brandi Carlile, Lenka, Fiona Apple, Katy Perry, Priscilla Ahn and more. Hope you enjoy.

You can listen to the whole song and see the video here
Below is a YouTube.com video I found of them working on the song in the studio.


I want.. #2

Was out today viewing blogs and a friend of mine found this (Thanks Jocelyn!):

The Original Ruler Cuff $49.00
A fashion statement that really measures up! Seriously hip bracelet made out of high grade stainless steel. Inches (English) are etched on the outside and metric markings are on the inside. This stainless steel ruler is one size fits most. 3/4" tall and 6"/19mm long with an inch gap so that you can slide it on and adjust to any size.

Something else to add to the list of stuff that I want and will let other people buy me!!



I love this dress... I want.. but can't find anything like it..

Gonna have to start working out if I'm gonna look anything like that when I get married!

Holy crap.. I'm getting married... again


The never ending bathroom project

Sigh.. We moved in here in September 2006

And it took a year to get this far

no toilet.. no heat... no shower. The first year we would go next door to Eric's moms house to take showers. We do have a half bathroom downstairs.. so going pee was easy.. just taking a shower was a pain in the butt..

Oh.. and no sink or doors

So here it is 2008 and we do now have a working bathtub and shower

We also now have a working toilet and heat! If you notice we still need to order the front panel for the tub but it functions and that is just cosmetics.. I also need to finish painting and buy new blinds for the window as the mauve mini blinds are UGLY!

We also put up the most important door in the bathroom... the one in the hallway! So now if we have guests over they can shut the door and no one can see in when they walk up the stairs!

Amazing, I KNOW!!

Recently we got the walls completely painted and there are only a couple of sections that I need to finish painting on the trim and I need to paint the shelving and reline the shelves. We also installed the towel bar and the medicine cabinet.

Looks pretty good! I moved the sink in to see what it would look like and I think it will look really good. Below is a picture of what the whole thing will look like once we get it all hooked up.

Eric says that we will be working on the bathroom this weekend.. I guess I'll just wait and see!

While this project is moving along very slowly and we have encountered a few hiccups I think it is looking pretty nice. Once this is done then we will start on the spare room that we are converting to a dressing room. Hopefully it won't take more than a month or two to get it done.. instead of years!


rainbow on a cloudy morning

Today I didn't want to get out of bed. Though that isn't saying much, I pretty much never want to get out of bed if I have to go to work that day. I dragged myself out of bed, took a shower, found some clothes pretty fast (which is pretty unusual) and went downstairs to finish getting ready. After I had gone downstairs I was then put in an extremely bad mood. Had someone been awake and down there with me I probably would have screamed and thrown things. I'm not going to say what put me in that bad mood, because it is a pretty simple thing that shouldn't have made me so furious. The entire rest of the morning getting ready and the ride to work I cussed under my breath. Not having the ability to just blow off and let go of what made me so angry. I then pull onto 97th street to turn into work and I see a rainbow. It made me take a deep breath. I find a parking place and get out and look back to see it again and it seems even larger. I could have stood there and watched that rainbow till it disappeared this morning. Though the anger is still there this little thing helped the fire burn a little less.
Right now I could use more rainbows however it seems that I am finding more rain. I only hope things start to look up next year.

I also just really wanted to share this with the Internet. It was pretty amazing. I took this picture from the parking lot with my phone so it is not the best picture.


Go Vote!

Just because this seems fitting for what is going on right now.

Oh and by the way.... GO VOTE!



The trip to Eureka was nice. I think it was just nice to take the week off really. We drove down to Eureka Springs on Wednesday and stayed at the Bavarian Inn. We mostly picked that place because they also have a restaurant that makes German style and Czech style food.
While the place wasn't fancy it was clean and our room was huge. Also the people there were very nice. (Thanks Michelle for all your help!)
Wednesday night after we got settled in our room we ate at their restaurant and the food was amazing! I would totally stay and eat there again and again. After dinner we went into the shopping district and had drinks at the Pied Piper. Pretty neat place. Almost got to see the bartender beat down some white trash that was yelling at her because the building was a non-smoking building. Needless to say we had a good time!
Thursday we got up and the Inn had something like blueberry coffee cake that was delicious and we had some hot tea with that. We then headed out to see all the springs we could find. I think we found all but one (Magnetic Springs to the right). We also went up to see the great big Jesus on the hill. That was fun. We walked over 2 miles that morning before lunch. We then stopped in the Whale & Squid for the best chicken nachos I have ever had! After that we were exhausted and decided to go back to the Inn to take a nap.
After our nap we got up and went for a drink at the Basin Inn Hotel. They have a balcony bar that overlooks the shopping area and is very pretty. We then headed down to the Grand Tavern in for dinner. It was pretty damn good. Especially because I got some goat cheese! We had steak and potatoes and it was so very good. Afterward we hopped into the car and Eric decided he wanted to take a scenic route back to where we were staying. He stopped at the Magnetic Springs and we walked up and sat up there and listened to the woods and watched the stars. It was a beautiful night. A little chilly but not too bad. We sat for a while and talked about nothing much. We then stood up and looked the other way at the stars. Eric was talking about how we both seem to always hunt out the quiet secluded places when we go on vacations. We like our solitude so long as we have someone to share it with. He asked me if I could do this forever with him and I said of course I could. He then looked down at his hand and I followed his gaze and there he held an open ring box that sparkled in the moonlight. At this moment I started bawling.... and bawling... and bawling. I think I had been waiting for so long and had been wishing and hoping that he would ask that I almost expected it to never happen. After I calmed down he was then able to ask "Will you marry me?" and I said Yes... of course! I have the beautiful diamond ring now and I also get to marry my best friend in the world! I am sooo very excited and I almost don't know where to start! Here is a picture of us at Magnetic Springs on Friday. We decided to go back and get a few more pictures. We didn't say anything to anyone until we got back into town and was able to tell his mom and my mom in person. By the end of Friday we were were so very exhausted, emotionally and physically.
Eureka Springs was so beautiful and will always be a place that I remember. Someday it will be nice to be able to take our kids back there and show them the place where he proposed.

So the question that everyone is asking... No we don't have a date picked out yet. We have only spoken a little bit about it. I can tell you this much.. it will be sometime next year. We are so very short on cash right now that we will have to wait and save up so we can do what we want. I know you all want to know and we will tell you when we have it all figured out.

Here is a picture of my ring!


I no longer have a boyfriend

This past week Eric and I had taken off to do things together. On Wednesday we went to Eureka Springs to stay a couple of days. During that time he and I discussed many things and it was decided that we are no longer going to be boyfriend & girlfriend. That instead it would be better for us to depart from that. So now I am forced to move onto another chapter of my life and have to deal with the fact that I am going to have to spend a lot of my time planning a wedding!


Kyrie & Jake

Little sis & Big brother

Beautiful Baby with lots of hair


Common Sense

A friend sent me this in an email.. and I found it to be a bit comical and sadly true.. enjoy

An Obituary. Interesting and sadly true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, 'Common Sense', who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; that life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouth wash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, but if you did anyway, the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust. His wife Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is, however, survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Can't Help Myself

I have tried.. and I can't stop myself from posting these pictures.

Eric's mom sent me an email today with pictures of Eric as a widdle kid and I have to share so you all can see how cute he is/was!

Sorry sweetie.. I love you!


manners.. or lack there of

So.. I'm ticked. I was on hold with the doctors office for 20 minutes!!! waiting for them to find my files to be faxed over to another doctor. 20 FREAKING MINUTES! And after twenty minutes.. after I told them that I'm still on hold they just put me on hold again. WTF! I was trying to talk to the lady and she didn't even bother to try to listen. Just hit the hold button again!
What a freaking joke! Maybe it is a good thing I'm changing doctors! (also.. their musak sucked ass) I'll try again later perhaps it will be easier.



I want..

There is this online shop that I go look around in every once in a while. I bought gifts for my employees for the holidays last year there. The shop is Sprout Home. They have some really neat and interesting things at this store.

I purchased these for my employees for Christmas last year. The group really seemed to like them. Nobody said if they were actually able to get them to grow.. but they all still enjoyed the idea behind it!

Now I have found this and dying to purchase it! Think I might break down and get it soon though if I can find the money.

Isn't he beautiful!

So if you feel the need to purchase something for me.. feel free to get me this! ;-)

Kyrie Athena Hale

I have become an aunt for the second time tonight! OMG!

I now have a super sweet niece named Kyrie Athena Hale.

Her Stats:
Kyrie (Ky sounds like "sky" minus the s; rie sounds like "ree")
bd: 10/14/08
wt: 7 lbs. 11 oz.
lth: 21" Long
Lots of black hair and dark eyes
All fingers and toes intact!

Mom is doing well. She was tired though I don't believe she had to push more than twice! Once she got to the hospital I believe she had the baby within an hour or just over an hour. It went sooo fast!

The Dad (my big bro Jason) is doing great!

Here is the first picture Jas sent me.

Look at all that hair!!! She has a beautiful little girl cry..
this is short but sooo cute.

Once the nurses got done bugging her they turned the light off that was over her and she opened her eyes. She looked around and stared at her dad for a minute. It was so sweet. Was really hard for me to not cry.

I am going to leave you now with one last picture of my beautiful sweet Kyrie. I will post more pictures when I get them. All these were taken with phones so they aren't the best, but you can still see her beautiful face!



So.. I'm at home sitting on my ass while I should be working on stuff around the house. I suppose there is always tomorrow.
Today I want to talk about something that may make some people upset with me. Which I'm willing to risk it as it is something that I have wanted to talk about for many years.
Today when I got home my mother called me and we got to talking about the family. Again the family is becoming divided again. Over the past 10 or so years (maybe a little bit longer) my family has slowly been torn apart by family members that are petty and immature.
When I was young I had this amazing family. My moms side of the family all live in within the metro area around her. We got together for every birthday, every holiday or any reason we could think of to have some kind of family gathering. I remember my mom on the phone every night talking to one of her 3 sisters for at least an hour. I grew up being babysat by my older cousins and spending many weekends with my cousins that were my age. I have a cousin that grew up with me that was like a sister. We hung out all the time. Every Christmas my mom would take us kids to one of her sisters houses and we would create chocolate candy. I just remember growing up around this family that loved me and that everyone loved each other. I just remember growing up with all this family and always thought it was pretty amazing and neat that everyone enjoyed being around each other.
As time has gone on and we have all grown up and I'm now watching my cousins children grow up it is amazing how the family has changed. I remember when I started noticing the family falling apart. I think it started when one of my aunts was going through a divorce. The problem is that the man she was getting a divorce from was a good friend of my moms and had been a close friend of the family for many years before he even married my aunt. My mom has been friends with him since they both were teenagers. My mother also worked for him. So during this divorce my mom decided to not take sides. She wanted to respect her good friend and her sister by stepping out. However her sister saw it differently. So differently in fact that she felt it was necessary to corner my mother at a family function in the kitchen and call her a bitch. It just seemed to get worse from there. Another incident that happened around the time of that divorce is when my grandfather (my mothers father) had a heart attack and was in and out of the hospital. My older brother and I went to visit him and as we were leaving that same aunt was coming into the room and never even looked at me or said hi or asked how we were doing. I was pretty hurt. I never did anything to that woman to make her dislike me. I feel now that she doesn't like me due to the fact that I am the child of her sister that decided to stay neutral. 
The following year or two later (I'm not exactly sure when) my mother and father started having problems. First my dad moved out of the house.. then back in and I think maybe he moved out twice. Then finally my mother moved out and that was that. It was a pretty hard time for everyone. It was a crazy blur to me. I was at the time was planning a wedding and trying to get through the first year of the new marriage. My dad took everything pretty hard. In November that same year my dad committed suicide. You might think that when something so tragic like this happens that is when family's would pull together but in fact it was quite the opposite. I don't know if I've ever felt so alienated from my family. Not my mother or brothers but my aunts and cousins that I grew up with. The ones that I was so close with as a young child. People started blaming my mother for everything that happened. It was her fault that he was gone and her fault that he did what he did. I never felt so alone than at that time. I remember crying a lot not only for the loss of my father but for the loss of my family. At that time it was like going through more than one death in the family. It probably took about a year for me to finally get over being so hurt to finally becoming mad.
So another thing to make the family even more pissed at my mother.. She started seeing that friend of hers that used to be married to her sister. Yes even I had a hard time with that in the beginning. I can't say that I know the whole story of when they exactly got together or how it all happened but they are still together today and happy. I understand why people in the family would be upset but so many years later you would only hope that maybe they would see that they are happy and as weird as it was in the beginning that it fits. I told my mother that the thing that was the most important was to be sure that whatever she does that it should make her happy. If that means being with her sisters ex then so be it.
So now I don't go to see my family at any of the functions. I am tired of people wanting to talk to me to find out some gossip or to just be nosey. They have pissed me off so much that I just don't care anymore. They have been rude and down right nasty to my mother. I won't be rude to them when I am around them but I'm not going to sugar coat things and pretend that they haven't upset me. So now I just won't purposefully put myself in situations where I have to be around them.
Last year I met up with an old friend that I hadn't seen in years. She proceeded to tell me that she was walking through the store.. I believe it may have been Wal-mart.. when my aunt (the one that divorced my moms "boyfriend".. now that sounds weird but so does partner) saw her she just walked up and told her that my mom killed my father. As if she was the one who pulled the trigger. At that time my friend didn't even know that my father had died. She is standing in the middle of the store with my aunt saying the awful things to her and all she is thinking is Oh My God my friend dad is dead.. HOW FREAKING RUDE AND HURTFUL CAN YOU BE.
So now I have found out that this same aunt is now alienating her own daughter because she made a mistake. People make mistakes. Big ones small one but isn't your mothers love supposed to be unconditional? This cousin of my allegedly cheated on her husband. And while that is a HUGE mistake and very poor way to deal with problems in a marriage it doesn't mean that she should be kicked to the curb. People open your freaking eyes. I am now also hearing that her sister won't let her see her nieces and nephews with out it being under supervised visits that are only at the children's home. My cousin has been babysitting these children since they were infants and now suddenly because she cheated on her husband she can't see any of her family. I feel so bad for her. He own mother won't even talk to her. I told my mom that she needs to make sure to keep calling her and talking to her and make sure she knows that she will be there should she need anything. I can only hope that things get better with her sister and her mother. I hope this because I will never be ok with quite a few of my family members. I will never forget how they have treated my mother. There are quite a few more times they have been nothing by mean and malicious to her. I am over it. I don't want to see you all anymore. No matter how many birthday parties you invite me to I will not be there. You might just say that is my loss but I see it as your loss. GROW UP PEOPLE. I find it very sad that I am a more mature person than my aunts that are in their 50's. More mature than a few cousins that are in their late 30's. I will no longer cry because I miss you. I don't miss you anymore. You have hurt my heart, you have hurt my mom. I love her even though she has made some poor choices in her life but I will love her unconditionally for ever. I still love my father even though he made a very poor choice and it's a choice that no one will ever recover from. Yes I'm mad at him but I will always love him so very much. You all need to realize that life is short and family is an amazing thing to have and you have managed to rip it to shreds. There are so many more things I want to say but word escape me for now.
So I am going to share with you another old post that I wrote on MySpace but never opened for other people to read. It is from January of this year.

Bill is still here....

Can't any one see that? Don't they see life is too short to be angry for this long.

Why can't they see that he lives on in us kids..

I love you papa.. I miss you..


Dusty Homemaker?

Oh my goodness.. It's like something has taken over in my brain and I am finally getting some things done! Oh.. and get this.. Enjoying it!! OMG!

First lets start with the apples. My mom gave me a BUNCH of apples off her apple tree. I have now made a total of 4 apple pies. FOUR APPLE PIES.. I had to give them all away since there is no way I could even eat one whole apple pie. I think I had a total of 3 slices of pie before I just couldn't take it any more. I still have apples left and I have to figure out what to do with them before they start rotting on my front porch. If you have any ideas please let me know.

Next I worked on curtains for my entry hall. I have had the fabric for the curtains for over a year and have finally started working on them. We have even had the rods mounted for a year. (I am such a procrastinator) I have 2 of the 4 panels complete. I'll finish up the other 2 this week. I also finally hemmed a pair of Eric's pants that he had never gotten to wear because they were too long. Granted he won't be able to wear them much longer since he is losing weight. (47 pounds lost!! GO Sweetie!) They are already a bit too big for him but with a belt they are fine for the time being.

Now.. onto the big project. We have been remodeling our bathroom for 2 years now. We had the tile and all wainscoting and moldings installed last summer. I had started to paint only because we needed to get the toilet and radiator installed before winter hit. So by winter the wall that is behind the toilet and radiator was the only one painted. BUT we did have the ability to now take showers in our own home. That was so very exciting. That and I didn't have to go downstairs to go pee in the middle of the night and almost break my neck on the stairs. So this weekend we have been working away on the bathroom in order to get the sink installed and finish up the bathroom. I have been painting all day and it is almost complete. I have one more coat of white paint to put on the moldings and the wainscoting and then we can install the sink and a few of the metal fixtures. I will then have the window and the shelving unit left to paint which I hope to also finish this week or at least by the end of the weekend. I almost have a completely finished bathroom!!! Oh and we also got the door on! Granted we only got one of the three doors installed but it is the most important door of them all! The one that when someone is walking up the stairs they can't peek into the bathroom!

So I have been getting all this stuff done that has taken me more than a year to complete. I have also been better at keeping things picked up around this house. Granted we still have a long way to go before everything is gone through and organized but we are definitely moving in the right direction.

It is weird how I am suddenly in the mood to get this stuff done. So I am taking advantage of it and trying to not slow down. I don't know how long this will last before I get to the point where I can't stand to do it anymore. Let's hope it is after it get everything done.. Which I'm sure will be NEVER!


Another Older Post

Still consolidating my writing that I have been doing for awhile. This is a blog entry that was on my MySpace page that I wrote July 17, 2007.

I promise that I will post something new here real soon.


Sometimes being alone sucks.

Some days (like tonight) I sit back and miss the days when I would have friends over almost every night. Ever since Jeff and I split up it seems that my life has gotten much emptier. Not that I don't love the guy I'm with, and he does fill my life with joy and is a great friend, it just gets lonely when he works nights and I have no one to talk to (which is most nights). I sit in this house with 3 cats and my dog and miss having people to just sit around and have a good time and laugh with. Sure seems like a long time ago when I used to go over to my brother-in-laws house and just play cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit with a group of friends. I really don't mind some days coming home and having the night to myself. But I do miss the card playing days.

I see my friends now with people they have known for many years.. They always have someone to talk to and stories to tell and inside jokes. I wonder now.. Was it me? Did something I do or something I said push people away.. am I just that forgettable? I have people I've known for many years just walk away and never say goodbye. People I used to be extremely close to and thought that we would always be friends just disappear, maybe to only be heard from again when I get an email when they need something... someone to watch their kids, someone to go help their mother with some catering job. Did the fact that I got a divorce really make people dislike me. I was a loyal friend.. I was always there if they needed me.. I still am there.. just quietly waiting.

I will admit...that once Jeff and I split I took some time out to just figure some things out. I needed some space to deal with what happened.. but the few that came around did not stay around.. the phone calls, what few there were, dwindled to none.

I'm not looking for pity here. I guess I'm just trying to understand...

I always tried to not be that pestering annoying friend.. maybe that was my downfall in not having life long friends. Maybe I tried so hard to not call too often and not say the wrong thing, to try and insure that they aren't saying about me what I've heard them say about so many other friends.. (Don't be the bitchy one.. don't say something stupid.. don't be too needy.. don't.. don't.. just don't) (don't lie.. you know we have all talked about our friends behind their backs).


Maybe now I still put too much thought into "trying" to have friends.. maybe it isn't that hard.. Maybe I just need to take the word "trying" out and just have some friends.

Surely I can figure this out.


Anyone want to get together to play some cards, have a drink and just shoot-the-shit?


another something I wrote a while back

Wrote this a while back when I was sad and thinking of my father..


Hello you...
I have missed you...
I have dreams and see your face...
I remember you so clearly...

There are times I sit and think...
Was there anything I could have done..
You left me so early...
We were so young...

I see your eyes.
I see your smile.
I feel your hugs.
In my dreams you haunt me.

There is so much I want to say.
So much I should have done.
I can't get you out of my head.
Can't seem to let you go.

I still love you
No matter what they say
I still love you
In my special way

I wish you would leave my dreams.
Let me sleep
I'm so tired.
to tired to weep

I love you
come back to me
I love you
Please just let me be.



Here is something I wrote back when I first started to blog (April.. May.. not sure of the exact date I wrote this). This one never actually made it up onto the blog. I just though it was time to share.

I have a tendency to space off at work. Watching out the window wishing I was out there and not in here. This job is sucking the life out of me. I figured out about a year ago that I no longer like my job and want to leave. But the same crap keeps me here just like a lot of other people that keep jobs that they don't want. I have good benefits and am paid pretty well, I have also been working here for almost 10 years so I have lots of vacation time that I can use also. That is my excuse... I won't be able to make as much money if I change jobs and I will have to start over and won't have 4 weeks of vacation that I can use. I know, it's a pretty lame excuse, but it keeps me sitting here in this cubicle hoping and praying that someone will come save me from this insanity that some people call a career and that I call torture.

I am just a few months into 29 years old, divorced, and now 4 years into a relationship with Eric. Don't have any kids yet, however I have managed to acquire four cats (it's 3 cats now) and a dog. We live in this beautiful old house that was
Eric's Grandfathers. Beautiful is a relative term here though, the place still needs a lot of work, but it is a nice home. Two stories with 4 bedrooms and a basement, large attic, entry hall, living room, eat in kitchen and formal dining room that we turned into a library. Sounds pretty great I know, but for some reason it doesn't quite fit me. I'm pretty sure it's because it doesn't get enough sun light inside. We also have a really neat greenhouse in the back yard that is currently being used as storage but I hope to one day turn it into a studio for me to do art. The other really nice thing about this house is that there is no mortgage. The house has been in the family for so long that it was paid off some time ago so all we have are the utilities and taxes to pay. All in all it is a pretty great deal.

I also own a house in a neighboring town. The town I grew up in. I bought the house in 1999, two years before I got married. I just couldn't stand the thought of getting rid of the house after the divorce and after I moved in with Eric
so I rented it out to a friend of Eric's about a year ago. He only stayed for 6 months and never paid his last month in rent. Left the house in a bit of shambles also. Don't think I can go through that again. I've since then become ok with selling the place so I am going to fix it up and hopefully get it sold soon. It was really hard for me to finally make that decision but it was the only thing that made sense. I have been through so much with that house it is really hard to think that someday it won't belong to me anymore and it will be creating new memories with a new family.

So I suppose I should say something about the past 9 years or so... In 1999 I got this job, working in the Prepress Department of a publishing company. This job enabled me to buy my first house. Jeff, my boyfriend at the time, had not so good credit and I had none being so young, so we were unable to rent an apartment. So the next best thing to do was buy. I bought the house on my own, I decided it wasn't a good idea to put
Jeff's name on the house since we weren't married. It was a grand day when I bought that place, we had been living in his parents house for almost a year and my poor animals were tired of being cooped up in a small bedroom(as so was I).

So we moved in and began our life at that place we got to call home. Two years later we decided to get married. By then we had been together for 6 years and it only seemed right to make it official. I loved him dearly and never thought I could love anyone more than I loved him. We got married on February 10, 2001. While it was a cheap wedding it was quite beautiful. I decorated it to look like a winter wonderland and it just so happened to snow like crazy the night before the wedding so it all worked out for me. I was so happy that day. Finally marrying that beautiful man that I thought would make me happy for the rest of my life.

During that time my parents weren't doing so well. My mom had moved out of the house and was living with a friend. They had apparently been having problems for quite a while, though they were good at hiding it. My wedding was pretty hard on my father. He held me so tight when we danced I had to take very short breaths in order to not pass out. He told me to always remember my vows. If I get in hard times with Jeff
to always remember my vows.

Later that year, I'm sure no one can forget, the twin towers fell. I remember standing in my department here at work realizing what just happened. I don't remember any sounds, just silence. Looking out the windows facing West into the empty sky. It seemed to me that even the birds stopped flying that day. For a moment the whole world to me stood still, and just a second later it seemed like everything was then moving as though someone hit the fast forward button. All I could hear were people talking and peoples computers with the news on and radios talking about the planes. People leaving work to get their kids. I just sat down and was silent. I don't think I called anyone. I believe I might have received a phone call from my big brother and maybe my mother. I remember so badly wanting to call my dad. I just didn't know what to say. Ever since mom and dad split I didn't know how to talk to him. I could always just see and feel the sadness oozing off him. It seemed as if his pain choked me and I just couldn't speak. I wish I had called him, I should have called him.

Two months later, the Sunday after Thanksgiving my dad shot and killed himself. Even today, seven years later, it's still hard to believe he is gone. I still have bad days where I wish he was here because he was always the one to help me when I wasn't feeling good about something. He had the most perfect hugs that made all the pain go way. It still hurts me that he won't be here to see his grandchildren. Or to see us kids grow up and become whoever we become as we get older. He wasn't here to see his youngest son graduate from high school. Or to mentor him with his welding. Today the only things I have left of him are his tools and my memories of him. I remember sitting on my couch when my mom told us what happened. Both my brothers, Jeff
and I were at my house when it finally came out. I remember crying only because I knew that is what people expected of me. To fall apart and cry. I really just wanted to get up and go for a walk and be silent. I think I already knew he was gone by the time mom told us what was going on. I think of my older brother Jason who was outside our family house when it happened. How he kept his composure through that and later fell apart in my arms after the funeral. I only cried hard in front of other people a few times. The only time I let myself succumb to the pain of his death was when I was alone in my house. I never really let anyone see how badly he hurt me. Many nights alone by myself I sat in the middle of my living room floor screaming at him and asking him why. Crying and in so much pain from him doing this to our family but loving him so much that I could never hate him. I would sob until my body was sore and my face was raw from wiping away the tears and snot. My shirt and pants would be soaked. Finally exhausted so much that I couldn't cry anymore I would get up and take a shower and go to bed.

I think that watching my parents marriage fall apart it made me look a little closer to what was going on in my marriage. I felt that after the first year things just started to fall apart. It seemed that
Jeff's friends became more important to him than me, and that what he wanted was more important than what was better for us. Perhaps I was being selfish but don't we all have to be at some point? To me the marriage just wasn't that anymore, it was more like a roommate that happened to sleep in the same bed. He would go to work on Saturday and come home pack up and head to Lawrence and sometimes not come back till Monday. I just started to feel so alone. I began to cling to his brother Ick (his real name is Eric.. but since there are two Erics in this story I am going to refer to Jeff's brother by his nickname Ick), and his friends. Everyday Ick and friends would show up at my house and we would all hang out, or go over to Ick's house and play cards or just sit around and talk and smoke. Every Tuesday we would go out to a bar and drink till 3am and it just seemed like Jeff really didn't care. Jeff would spend his evenings in the office playing on the computer. He seemed to engulf himself with his on-line computer games and his role-playing games that he played in Lawrence with his friends. I can remember days that he would come home from work and I would ask how his day went and he just didn't want to talk about it. But he loved talking about his video games or role-playing games. It was always about "if I could just get this many more dexterity points or if I could only do this one thing then I'd have this cool new power". I was just so over it.

So I decided to end my marriage in 2004. It just seemed unfair to me to try and make
Jeff be something he obviously didn't want to be, or unfair to me to keep living my married life feeling so alone. I remember the night when I finally told him. We were both in bed and I think I might have been crying. I suddenly felt this huge weight fall on my chest. It felt like I sunk down in the bed a few inches because of this weight I knew at that time that I had to tell him it was over. I sat up and just said it. It was weird how calm everything was that night. I remember something about Jeff saying that the house was of course mine and that he would like to keep the Jeep. The next morning he left the house with a few of his things and stayed at a friends. The rest was an emotional blur. Me and him crying and yelling in the living room. Packing up his things. I felt like a failure. I had failed Jeff, failed at marriage and failed my father. I loved Jeff so much still but I just couldn't go on feeling that way and it seemed that I couldn't get how I was feeling through no matter how I put it to him that I finally gave up. Even to this day I sometimes wonder if I should have done things differently.

Jeff and I still talk on occasion. He has now moved out to Las Vegas and seems to be pretty happy out there. I think about him all the time, hoping that he is doing well and taking care of himself. I do miss my friend, probably more than he realizes. He called me about 2 years after we split and got a divorce to tell me that he realizes what happened. That he understood my frustration and that he was sorry. I'm glad that we can still talk and be friends.

Now I have Eric. I met Eric
through Jeff actually. I think I was 17 when I first met him when Jeff took me to his friends house. They may have been playing role-playing games or table-top games, I can't remember. I was so shy back then but I do remember him. I was sitting on the couch when he walked in. I think we both said hi to each other before he went downstairs. I always thought he was an interesting guy. I really didn't get to know him until things started falling apart in my marriage years later.

Eric started hanging out with Ick and I after he was in a car accident and wasn't able to drive or work for 6 months. So Ick and I would go pick him up and bring him back to my house or Ick's house and we would all hang out. If it was the weekend we all (the whole group of friends) might stay the night at Ick's house and hang out all weekend. Everyone saw the problems in my marriage. Even Ick, Jeff's brother, saw it. We would invite Jeff over with us and he would rather stay home. Or he would go home on the weekend and I would stay there. It all just didn't fit.

After I ended it with
Jeff it seemed everyone disappeared. No one called, or wanted to hang out anymore. Granted I do understand why. Ick was Jeff's brother. It just didn't make since for him to hang out with me anymore. The only person that would call me to go out or just hang out and talk was Eric. We still went out on Tuesday nights to see a friend play at a local bar, or go out to a local Irish Pub to see another friend play. Then one day our friendship turned into something more. We were sitting on my couch watching Master and Commander, he looked over at me with this look that I don't think I can explain...longing, loving something along those lines, and then it was over. We were stuck together like bees on honey, and have been ever since.

We have now been together for almost 4 years, and I am trying my best to hold on to it with all my might.


nothing to write about

I have nothing much to write about. Mostly because everything that is going on right now I can't write about... for fear of getting fired perhaps. Most of my frustrations and things happening right now are work related. Of course then there is the I'm BROKE!! problem which is totally irritating. Can't even pay a couple of bills this month... well they will just be late.. but it still sucks! I just wish I had everything under control again.. feels a bit chaotic lately (But my kitchen is clean!)

Sigh.. ok.. off to work. Maybe next month I'll have something fun to write about.


Spring Cleaning..

.. at the end of Summer! WTF! So the bug has hit.. even if it was late. Eric and I have been cleaning up the house. We got a 20' dumpster a week ago and today finally got it filled up. Though it didn't take us that long. We really didn't get to work on it much during the week.

Today we went through the attic. It is so much nicer up there now. We keep talking about maybe finishing the attic space so we will have another room. Some insulation and some drywall.. that would make it a very neat place! Might turn it into a craft room or maybe even the office. Who knows..

Now we need to finish the basement and then I think we will be done. We have just under half of the basement left to go through. Then.. Just then might we able to actually finish moving into this place!! I still have boxes that I haven't unpacked up in the attic and we haven't been able to spread out in the basement because of all the "junk" that was grandpas that we are just now getting out. Soon I will have a craft space downstairs.

I have a small wooden model boat that I want to put together but I need a place that I can sand it and that would make too much dust in any other room in this house. I also still have a model car and a carousel that I need to put together. Maybe the I'll also start drawing again.. I miss drawing or any forms of art really. But right now I don't have any space to do it.

This week I have to get over to the Raytown house also. We keep talking about fixing it up to sell. But my cousin called and asked about renting it so hopefully he will and will help me do some of the repairs around that place. It would take some of the financial burden and some of the physical pain off me also! So everyone keep their fingers crossed for me that he rents the place, or that I get it all ready and cleaned up to sell.

Ok.. that was my rambling for today.. it is now 2:35 am and I need to sleep so I can get up and work my ass off again. Catcha later!


fresh ink.

So this Friday, on a whim I went out to a local tattoo parlor. A few friends suggested this place anytime I mentioned wanting another tattoo. So I grabbed up my pictures and dragged Eric out with me to Mercy Seat. I really wasn't sure if I would be able to get in on a Friday to get it done but thought I'd at least check it out and set up a time to come back. So Eric and I get there and start talking to a few guys. And lo and behold they could get me in right then. Now this was not my first tattoo. My first tattoo was the rose my dad drew up and had a tattoo of on his chest. I found the original drawing after he died and had them lay the rose down on my lower back. Some call this a tramp stamp but I would like to make it known that mine is not such a thing. First off this is not an fairy, butterfly or tribal... and above all mine has a very significant meaning behind it and sentimental value. This lovely blue rose took all of 3 and a half hours to complete with no breaks in between. It was painful but totally worth it. My second tattoo is on my right wrist and it is of a Celtic knot. It is a very simple maybe even fairly common version of a Celtic knot. Got it as a shout out to my lovely Celtic roots as my maiden name is Welsh. Now I remember these hurting. The one on my wrist wasn't so bad. But I remember the one on my back hurting.. and feeling like a bad sunburn by the time I got home right after it was complete. I remember completely stripping down when I got home that evening because it felt so hot. As soon as I walked into the door I took off my shirt pants and underwear and laid on the couch while my husband fanned my shiny sore buttocks. Now I thought I knew what to expect with this new tattoo. So as I sit there and this kind stranger pokes me thousands of times with tiny needles I think this is not too bad. I can take this. Breath in breath out.. breath in breath out.. It was nice that Eric was there.. he would be talking which helped distract me from what was being done to my back. So about an hour goes by and he is done with the black. (Sigh of relief). So I get up and take a look at it. It is looking great! One of my favorite parts of getting tattoos is when they wet down paper towels and clean off the newly tattooed area. Remember me talking about bad sunburns.. well think how a nice cold wet cloth on that area would feel.. totally wonderful! So Jason (oh that is the tattoo artist) decides he wants to take a smoke break at this point. I'm fine with that, really doesn't bother me at all. He gets back and we get to coloring. Now here comes the pain. I don't remember the other one on my back hurting this much.. Holy Freaking OUCH!! This shit hurts!! there are areas real close to my arm pit and damn that is tender! But that didn't compare to the pain I felt when he was right on the edge of my shoulder blade toward the center of my back!! I would have to shut my eyes because it hurt so bad I'd start blinking non stop.. it was just easier to shut my eyes. Focus.. Breath in breath out.. Two and a half hours later we are done.. and my back hurts.. my armpit hurts.. my legs freaking hurt!! WTF! My neck hurts. My jaws hurt.. Oh I chewed a lot of gum also, another thing to try to keep my mind focused on other things. Seems that the older you get the more these things hurt! Which really kinda sucks.. I have about 4 more tattoos already picked out! Guess I better start saving my money so I can get them done quickly. Think from now on the tattoos will either be smaller or I'll start having to do the black and the color in separate seating's. Here is the original picture I took in.
I had them add pink because that is pretty standard with magnolias and it is virtually impossible to have a completely white tattoo. It turned out beautiful. The line work is really great! It's not what I imagined but I absolutely love how it came out. Needless to say I will be going back to Mercy Seat to see Jason Saint again.

Here is my new tattoo.

** On a side note.. I met an old high school classmate while there. Jim.. it was good to see and talk to you again!


KC Irish Fest

The Kansas City Irish Fest is this weekend. It's really hard to believe that it is festival time already. This year has flown by. Soon the Ren Fest will start up and then Weston Irish fest and Oktoberfest! I'm a huge fan of Irish and German food so this is a wonderful time for me.

I have never been to the KC Irish Fest and I'm really excited to go. Hoping that I'm going to make it there early enough to see my friend Bob Reeder play. He is my favorite Irish Balladeer. I have been going to see him now for about 5 years.

Then later Saturday night is Gaelic Storm. I had never heard of them till I borrowed Eric's mothers truck to haul some stuff one day and she had their CD playing in her stereo. I totally feel head over heels for them! Can't wait to see them.

Hopefully we will have a good time at the festival and enjoy some good food. Also hoping to see our friends from Weston's O'malley's Pub out there. If I remember to take the camera I'll try to post some pictures!


time for a new look & update

Haven't been out here for a bit and took a look at the blog.. decided i didn't like the look of it any more. So i changed the template i used and went with something a little more clean looking. I think it is easier to read.

Update: it has been a very long month for me. July started off pretty good and proceeded to hit rock bottom last week. On the first of July I received a new dog. He was a Pomeranian named Cody. He was originally Eric's grandfathers dog and after he passed away Cody went to live with a friend of the family. Recently the friend had to move and couldn't take Cody with her so he came to live with me. I took him to the vet since we knew he had a thyroid problem that hadn't been check for a few months and I also took him to the groomers and got his hair cut and him all bathed up. He was so cute and cuddly. I was just getting used to having him around and it was starting to set that he was becoming my dog, then last week he died. We figured out he was probably between 13 and 16 years. I had him for less than 1 month. I'm still pretty upset about the whole thing. I am clinging to my other dog Rudy right now. Poor girl probably doesn't know what hit her.. I have been loving on her (bugging if you ask her) since last week. Just the though of losing her scares me. I've had her for almost 9 years now. I just don't think I can take any more sudden deaths with my animals. 2 in the last 2 months is enough for a few years if you ask me. Otherwise I am getting on just fine. Got some loans paid off and still trying to get stuff done around the house. Still haven't finished the bathroom but we have begun to work on it again. Hopefully it will be done soon. We really don't have much to do now. Hard to believe that August is Friday. Depression is setting in again as this year has flown by. So much I feel I should have accomplished this year and I'm just not sure that I can now. Who knows..


Dr. Horrible

Well.. My brother sent me this.. and I think it is pretty amazing!
Give it a watch! Pay the $$ if you have to! JUST WATCH IT!




why is it that I can't seem to have what I want in life.. I'm so close that I can taste it but it still seems so far away.

A Dream of Mine: To be able to stay home with my family and my pets. To get up when the dew is still wet on the trees and to walk into my backyard during the quite morning. Open the door and turn on some quiet peaceful music. Turn on my wheel and feel the wet clay between my fingers. The heat off the kiln to fire my next piece. The coolness of the piece that I dried last night and to contemplate what colors it wants to be. I can hear the birds.. the jingle of my dogs tags that hangs from their collars. The morning sun shining through the roof of my little room in my garden. To go inside once the afternoon sun hits high in the sky to take a break and wake Eric from morning slumber. Eat.. relax.. Post a pic of my newly finished piece, shiny and plump like that pregnant woman I saw while shopping the other day. I painted it green like the shirt she was wearing.. the lovely curves make me smile and think of that woman who will never know how much she inspired me. Go to the store to pick up some pasta and fresh veggies for our dinner tonight. Sit back on the deck with my furry kids and my Eric and enjoy before I pack food for his nightly patrol. Sit in the library and read more of that book for my book club later that weekend. I love those girls and our get-togethers. Call it a night and climb into bed and snuggle up to Eric's pillow and take in his smell and wait for him to come home in the morning and wrap his heavy arm over me. Bask in that moment for a while and get up and start it all over again.

--- It's a beautiful dream.. I hope I can make it happen.. Wish me luck.


funny message between me and my brother..

2:23:55 PM Jason: psst

2:24:01 PM Dahnks: yes...

2:24:33 PM Jason: you wouldn't happen to have a dollar or so just lyin' aroudn with nothing to do, wouldja?

2:26:14 PM Dahnks: well... let me as them to make sure they don't have any plans.. not sure.. they might be partying in my purse right now.. and may not want to leave.

2:26:44 PM Jason: well, damn.

2:28:29 PM Dahnks: lucky you.. one had already passed out from partying so hard... the others were getting ready to put whipped cream on his face.. He is now here on my desk passed out and i'm sure will wake with a horrible hangover.. but if you use him quickly I won't have to put up with his whiny ass tomorrow.

2:28:48 PM Jason: hehe

2:31:34 PM Jason: poor bastard will wake up squeezed between a sweaty old geezer and someone who's been taped together one-too-many times... if he's lucky he'll be sandwiched between 2 young crispies straight outta the mint...

2:31:39 PM Jason: ... but not likely.

2:31:48 PM Dahnks: LOL



So I've been depressed for a while now. I just really don't know how to get out of this funk. I keep thinking that something needs to happen so I quit feeling like I'm being held underwater against my will.. not that I would want to be held underwater for any reason. just sayin..

Today I woke up with this pure hatred for Eric's computer. Why does his computer get so much of his time! I'm sure I'm overreacting.

I also am currently having issues with my job.. which I won't go into detail here as I just read about someone getting fired from their job due to it. But I'll tell you this.. right now I think work just really SUCKS!

Then there is this overwhelming sense that my life isn't where it should be right now. I'm supposed to be at home with my kid(s) taking care of my home and my husband and spending time with my family. And I feel so far away from that. Even though I don't have kids yet.. and I'm not married yet.. I still feel like being at work is making depressed. As I get older my days go by so much faster and I feel like there is so much that I am missing.. Time with Eric, time with my brothers and my nephew, time with my mom or with Eric's mom. This time that I am missing because I am at work scares me. I feel like it is all slipping through my fingers and it is time I'll never be able to get back. Memories that I should be making and cherishing and instead I'm sitting in a cube farm with people that either don't get me or don't respect me. I do respect many people here at work and their dedication to their job and what they do and I think that is great. I so used to be that person.. but these past few years that feeling in me has changed. I want to have the ability to clean my house when it is daylight outside. I don't want to spend my entire weekend working on my house and doing chores. My weekends are for me. They are my time to spend with Eric doing what ever we want to do even if that means sleeping till 2 in the afternoon and vegging on the couch all day, never once thinking about all the laundry that needs to be done. My house is in total chaos right now and that just makes all this worse. I just don't feel like I have time to keep up with it. I get up every morning and go to work from 8 to whenever they will let me out of here.. which is usually at or after 5. I then have a 30 (and sometimes more) drive home. I then figure out what I'm going to have for dinner eat and by then it is close to 8. Eric and I sit and talk or watch TV for a few before he has to get ready for work.. I then prepare his dinner and get it all packaged up and ready to go.. He leaves around 9:30 to go to work.. Then the day is done.. I usually have no energy to do anything around the house and go lie down in bed with a book or my laptop until I can't keep my head up any longer and the next day I do the same crap again.
I just feel that I should be doing so much more than sitting in my cube in the corporate world. I'm really ok with having a job but at the moment I can't take a pay cut so leaving is really out of the question until I sell my old house.
The problem is that I've lost all energy to try and make it better anymore. I just want something to happen and "Poof" it's all better. I know this is not how it works... but I can't seem to fix myself right now.. Let alone all this other crap.

I need a permanent vacation..



People are just really annoying the shit out of me today!! I wish they would all just go away!


it's been so long

It's been a while since I've written.. Life has been pretty pleasant lately. Well.. of course other than the flip out I had last week. (Lets just blame that on PMS) I'm pretty excited about this week. I have dinner with Christy tomorrow. It's been really nice getting together with her again. Plus we eat sushi.. so that makes it all better! This week is also a short week for me. Thursday is Eric's an my 4 year anniversary. Can't hardly believe it has been so long. Time has just flown by. I don't think there is anything special planned but I thought it was a good excuse to take some time off work. It makes for a 5 day weekend! Nothin' much better than that! Think we are going to go to our favorite Italian restaurant.
So to recap this weekend... Eric finally got some time off after working 19 days in a row. I baked cookies on Saturday and took them to book club with me. This week we talked about Blink. Good book.. neat ideas.. hard to read. The guy kept repeating himself. I agree with Michelle, every chapter started off really good but then it all just became so repetitious that it just made it very hard to read. Next book will be Eat Pray Love. I already finished the book. I really loved it. I might even read it again. So I left Jill's house from the book club around 5:00 and went home to spend a weekend with my boy. He hadn't even taken a shower when I got there.. just a pain in the ass.. but I love him. So he got dressed and then we headed out for food at Jason's Deli. I had a wonderful sandwich, the California Club, despite the people there. I really can't stand going into a restaurant where the workers despise their jobs so much they find the customers to be an annoyance. If you hate your job so much go the fuck home! I've worked in the food business for many years. I know what it is like to have a dinner rush right before you close. Get over it.. and take my order without having an attitude! Anyway.. Eric had a salad and a very small portion of my sandwich. We then headed out to the theater to see Iron Man. We really enjoyed the movie. Looks like there is going to be more! I think that will be exciting. We then headed home and called it a night. Sunday was nice.. The weather was perfect this weekend. We headed out and got some shopping done, which made for a long day. Seemed like it was all a bit of a bust anyway. So we went to Lowes, Sams Club, Bed Bath & Beyond and Target. Of course we did all this shopping in Independence which made it worse. I hate all the stores in Independence. They never carry what I need or want at the time. I still don't know why I bother. It is just as fast to go up to Liberty. After all the shopping we were exhausted so we went home and ate some dinner and I fell asleep on the couch. All in all it was a pretty lovely weekend. I think this coming weekend will be just as good! I'm really glad Eric is getting Saturdays and Sundays off now. Plus me having 5 days off in a row won't hurt!
Till then!



So I thought about love today also. I think it is pretty grand. I have a wonderful man. I wish I could do more for him. If I could show the world how he looks at me and smiles it just might bring peace to this crazy place. He makes me happy even through the crappiest days. Today I sat in our lazy-boy all sick and ugly looking watching a TV series on my laptop. He comes down and tells me that I'm cute. Totally hard to imagine.... I looked so bad. Yesterdays makeup, red nose from blowing it all day, oily hair pulled up in a bun, bad breath.. I'm sure I could go on.. but I'll spare you. And even though I felt like shit and looked the part he made me smile and laugh. He made me happy. I giggled today and I tried my best to make him laugh (totally succeeded!!) This man I wake up to in the mornings is amazing, kind and patient. How could a crazy girl like me be so lucky. He makes me light up. And while I could probably live my life without him.. I could get my butt out of bed and make it into work and pay my bills and have friends that make me laugh and perhaps be with another man.. but why would I? This man I want to walk through this life with and the afterlife with. We made a pact... We would die together. We will be together hand in hand to walk into the life here after together. I would follow him anywhere... Ever see that movie What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams? It's something like that. I may say I need a day off from being with him.. but once he is around I never want him to leave. I'm not even saying our relationship is easy.. but loving him is and it's pretty easy to tell he loves me back. I suppose that is one of the best things. To feel loved back is amazing and to be able to see it and hear it and know it is more than i could ever hope for. I know what it is like to wonder if the man I'm with truly loves me. More than that "I hope she is happy and healthy love".. More like the "I will break you if you make her shed one tear because you have said something mean to her" love. The love that doesn't know shame. The love that cries when watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind during scenes when they are just sitting on the couch and hanging out.. because it reminds him of how much he loves to be with me. To sit on the couch doing nothing with me. Is that love? I think so..

Sick today

Today I am sick. Stuck at home sitting in the chair in the living room. Blowing my nose, sneezing, coughing, trying to rest and get better. Today I think.. Isn't life a funny tragic thing?! So my brother breaks up with his girlfriend. Sad yes.. but is it. They argue all the time. He always seemed unhappy in that relationship to me. So now it's over.. and I feel bad. Funny isn't it.. I hated them together and now that they are over I feel like crap over it. I hope it wasn't something that I said. And how unfair to him that I say this now, after the fact. I love him, probably more than he will ever realize. I want so much for him. I want happiness that comes easy. He has been through so much for a 21 year old. To lose his father at the fragile age of 15. He was such a young boy. Am I over protective.. yeah.. I can't seem to help it. Most people see it as nagging or picking on him. I'm sorry for that, I just can't seem to stop. Maybe I have no tact in telling him that I care and that I want the best for him and to give him advice or to tell him what I think of what is going on. I just hope that in the years to come that we can be close. That we can talk and be grown up together. I want to be able to call and have long conversations together and talk about life and jobs and kids. I want to have dinners where he and his kids and wife come over and we laugh and talk to the wee hours of the morning. I want our kids to get along and play together. I want that with both my brothers. But I especially want it with my little brother. Maybe because there was so much arguing when we were little. We didn't get along so much then. I heard that he felt more like he had two mothers and no sister. That made me sad. There is 8 years between us.. it's a hard gap to fill, but I think we can do it. Nick.. If you ever read this.. I love you.. - Big Sis