12.11.2010

lost in a world of baby bumps

It's so hard to see pregnant women right now.  They are everywhere.  My good friend Jen is pregnant... so freaking cute pregnant.  While I'm so happy for all these women it also makes me frustrated and sometimes angry.   Fortunately I'm no longer angry at pregnant women, as one time i used to be and would give them dirty looks, but now I'm just frustrated that I can't seem to join their club.

I find myself staring at young families and pregnant women.  I just can't help myself.. but it always makes me sad.  I was telling my husband today at lunch that I just wish the doctors would tell me that I won't ever be able to have a baby so that I can just move on out of this frustration of trying and constantly being upset at the end of every month.  Least that way I would know what was going on and could then figure out what we needed to do next.. least I would have a direction instead of feeling like I'm out to sea with the wind blowing in all different directions and no way to control which way I am going.

This evening I got onto People.com to look around.. it's pretty much the only place I can stand to go to check out celebrity news.  But I see these pictures of all these pregnant celebrities..  I see how they hold their bellies.. or the way their husbands look at them.   I so want that..  I want my husband to place his big hand on my growing baby belly and just look at me with such great love and wonderment of the child if his that I am carrying.   I'm actually quite terrified that that will never happen for me.

So far.. we are now closing in on 4 years of trying to get pregnant.  When my last cycle started I just about lost it all..  I wanted to be done.  I don't understand and was so completely ready to just let it all go..  wash my hands of it all.  I really just hoped that I would at least get pregnant this year..  but that is now no longer feasible.

We have decided that in January that we will see about going to a specialist.  The problem is that I'm not so sure we will be able to afford much of any help.  We will have to see what insurance will help cover.  But then I'm not even sure what kind of treatment they will want to put me on or if I'm even willing to go through with it.

I'll be 32 in one month..  i wanted to have 3 or 4 children.. now I'm afraid that i may not even have one.. and that my time is running out for me to have a large family. 

I'm sad... if there was some magic pill that i can swallow would someone let me know?  thanks..

11.22.2010

a journey (on my head): days 3 & 4

Sorry I didn't get to posting day 3 yesterday.  We have had a busy weekend with work on the house.

So here is day 3 and 4 all in one post!

Day 3:
I can tell it's really starting to break up and the scabs are breaking loose from my scalp.  I was able to comb quite a bit out of it however there is still quite a bit to go.

I've been wearing hats a lot lately because the meds are so oily so it looks as if I haven't washed my hair in weeks.. Kinda gross actually.
So here are the pics.

You can see all the little bits that are breaking up.


Still looks nasty and my hair is still mostly plastered to my scalp.  Because it is breaking up and not quite so attached to my scalp it has been harder to put a comb through it.  The pick/comb will end up under one of the scabs which is quite painful.  Still been loosing quite a bit of hair but I still have high hopes!


Below are the scabs that seem to be the hardest to break up.  I have large ones on each side of my head close to my temples.


Tonight we are going to make sure we soak them good with the overnight oil and hope that it helps break them up!


Day 4:
I let the overnight meds sit on my head a little bit longer than normal.  Mostly because I'm lazy and I stayed in bed really late because I was tired and sore from working on the house on Saturday.
I finally got up around 11am and took a shower using the T/Sal shampoo and after put the other oil on my head.  Gosh I hate that stuff..  again oily hair = gross.   I miss being able to do my hair and not feel like I need to wear a hat to cover it up!

But later in the day I was feeling around and i could tell that those scabs by my temples had loosened up and were no longer attached to my scalp!  Sweet!!

So early in the evening I took a fine tooth comb and starting removing the scabs that it would let me.
And you know what?....

I got almost every scab off my head!!  Holy Cow!  Check these pictures out!



You can still see flaking but that is just loose stuff in my hair that will wash out in the morning.  I got all but maybe a few tiny bits off my scalp!  I can comb my hair without it hurting or catching on something, and my hair is no longer plastered to my scalp from all the buildup!  I can see where I had lost hair early on and new hair had tried to grow in but I just couldn't see it under the scaling!  it's short but at least it there!

I'm super excited!

We will do another really light treatment of the oil tonight and I'll wash my hair with the medicated shampoo again in the morning.  I will assess then if I'm going to put the other oil in my hair as I hate to use it and I have to go to work.. and it would be nice not to have to have gross oily hair.

I am super happy I finally got this taken care of!  My Husband has been wonderful in helping me put all the meds on my scalp!  Many mucho thanks!

Now it's all about prevention and growing my dang hair back!

More updates later!

11.21.2010

Day 2: Front Porch Project

So why is it that every time I want to start a "little" project.. where I think it I could get it done quickly it always ends up a "BIG" project and more time and money has to be spent? I blame Bob..

Bob is Eric's grandpa whose house we are living in now.

So this weekend we spent more time on the front porch project.
After looking at options for insulation and looking at the ceiling some more it was decided that the ceiling had to come down. So that was this weekends project. And whooboy it was a dirty one!

Remember the ceiling...  ?


So much dust, dirt, debris and other stuff fell on our heads. We went through 4 or 5 face masks so we didn't breath in too much of that crap.

Husband working on removing the last board from the ceiling

This is how it turned out!  Not too bad i suppose... 




Then we started to survey the damage.

Ugg.. well this will obviously need to be replaced..  The cross beam is completely rotted and we will be putting a new one in.

old water damage

We found somethings nest.....
A nest.. fortunately already vacated.
The bone? we found in the nest!  Looks like a rib bone.. of what I have no clue!


So things we will be working on next...

Replacing that rotted beam.  Adding more as the beams are like 3 feet apart!  So we will add more for the support of the new ceiling.   Jacking up the roof....  So I don't have a picture and I will try to take one before we start working on it.. but the roof is sagging at the peak by 4 or 5 inches so we are going to jack it back up so it's level and add more supports so it doesn't start to sag again.
Then install the insulation and hang the new ceiling!

not much.. not much at all...

Hopefully the temperatures don't drop to much too soon so that we can get this work done before it gets too cold and before I need to paint.. but there are always space heaters!

Till next time!

Total: still only $7 but that is going to change pretty quickly!

11.20.2010

a journey (on my head): day 2

So today my head itched like crazy and it is flaking really bad.
So that is good news.. means it is working. I'm already seeing a lot of it breaking up! I am beginning to think that this WILL be cleared up by next Wednesday!
How awesome would that be to have all this cleared up by Thanksgiving. Now that is something I can be thankful for!

So I have some pictures. You can see that it is flaking quite a bit.
Day 2Day 2

I won't bore you too much with this.. but here is a close up of my scalp today. Though it looks bad it is really breaking up and a lot of the scaling came out today. Though a lot of hair fell out today also.
Day 2

I really hope in the next few days I have pictures that don't make me feel sick to my stomach.. cause these just look nasty. Aren't you happy I am so sharing!?...

IMG_9256

Oh.. and here's Poe.. just can't stay out of anything.. even my blog.

Till tomorrow!

11.18.2010

a journey (on my head)

So I want to take you on a journey. Perhaps you will join me?

This is not a journey that will show you pretty places or things to do. Does not involve driving or walking for that matter.. Actually this is a journey about healing.

See.. ever since I was 22 I have been battling psoriasis on my scalp. This is a hereditary disorder of the immune system. My scalp essentially creates new skin cells faster then it sloughs them off. My understanding is that my body is creating new skin cells in 6 to 8 days vs the normal aprox. 30 days. (now don't take my word on that.. this is just from what i remember reading.. thought i suppose i should look it up.. but naah). Oh.. and it's not contagious. phew..

Over the years I have had this psoriasis come and go. I had an instance in my early twenties where i lost a lot of hair on the crown of my head because of the scaling from the disorder. I have used a lot of creams, pills, ointments, oils and shampoos. That is really the only way you can treat this problem. There is no cure.

Well recently my scalp has exploded again. It's almost as if i have a wide headband of psoriasis scaling across my head. I had been avoiding going to the doctor. Not sure why.. money was an excuse, I guess i also just thought it might go away if I use some special shampoo.. I think some of the stress in my life just got the better of me and i just didn't take care of the problem as soon as i should have. But I went to the dermatologist on Wednesday this week. He seems to think with proper treatment that it will be cleared up in a week. 1 Week People! I have been suffering with this for months and he says it will take 1 WEEK!.. Yes, I may feel silly at the end if it does only take a week but it is what it is. So If you would like to join me and you don't have a super weak stomach.. lets go!

This is me:

IMG_9215

HI Guys!!

Right now because of the problem I always wear my hair pulled back into a tiny ponytail and a little head band to hold some of the shorter hair and to hide some of the scaling.

IMG_9219IMG_9222
Hair up & Hair down

You might already be able to see some of the damage. I've lost a lot of hair so it's really hard to hide now.

More pictures:
You can see the scaling a bit and some of the hair loss. This stuff itches and is pretty uncomfortable.
IMG_9224

The right side of my scalp. The hair can clump in the scales.
IMG_9225

Top view.. I have lost quite a bit of hair.
IMG_9226

A view from the back.
IMG_9230

Happy girl i am not.. I miss my hair.
IMG_9231

You may have noticed a bit of flaking in my hair. That is because on Wednesday night I started my treatment that the doctor gave me to get this cleared up. So all these pictures are after one treatment. He said 1 week.. so I'm going to try and chronicle the healing process.
I had to take the pictures tonight by myself as the husband was out slaying dragons or something like that. So hopefully the pictures will be better since I won't be trying to contort my arms in weird ways to take pictures of my own head.

Aaanyway.. I will take pictures and post them everyday right before the next treatment. So tomorrow evening I will post pics after two days of the treatment and so on.. Lets see if this will actually clear up in a week.

My arsenal:
IMG_9234

Left to right: Neutrogena T/Sal Shampoo: have to wash my hair every morning with this leaving it on for 3 to 5 minutes. Fluocinolone blah blah and something else (I have no idea how to pronounce that stuff): is a oil drop i have to put on my scalp after i get out of the shower in the morning. Derma-Smooth/FS: Another oil i have to use on my scalp at night. I have to dampen my hair and scalp, put this stuff on it then cover with a shower cap and leave on over night.

It's not fun but I'm already seeing flaking so that means it is breaking up already after only one treatment.

Wish me luck..

11.14.2010

Day 1: Front Porch Project

I have been wanting to tackle the front porch for a long time and finally I decided it was time. I had been talking about it for the past week and this weekend it was decided to get it going. So I got myself and Eric out from in front of our computers and got us working.

We have a pretty decent front porch. The main draw back for me is that it is pink.. Yes you read that right, my front porch is painted PINK! ugg. I had bought some light gray paint last year and was planning on painting but that never happened so now that is the plan. Some clean up and some paint and viola! A pretty shiny area where we can have a sit and relax.....
Or so I thought.

Ever since we moved in the porch has been a catch all. For empty boxes from things we purchased, broken stuff, stuff we mean to get rid of, recycling and who knows what else. Essentially it was a disaster!




So first off I had to clear it all out. A few things were put away in the basement where they belonged in the first place but never made it but a few feet past the front door. A few more went to the attic. A lot was put out with the trash and I bundled up all the cardboard to take to recycling.. wherever that may be. (I'll look that up later) But we got it cleaned off.

Next was the ceiling. When we moved in a few years ago I had wanted to start working on the porch and we removed the gold shag carpet and the ceiling tiles. The ceiling titles are like the same material that is used in drop ceilings. They were all nailed to the ceiling and we pulled them down. But we never went back to remove all the nails. So that was next on the list.

After removing all the nails there was some crown molding that had to come down too because we are/maybe/who knows going to just put up some new stuff over the old since it is so damaged from when that roof leaked. (That leak was fortunately fixed before we moved in.. thank goodness). Once a new ceiling goes up we are just going to use the old crown molding.. least that is the idea. We'll see what happens.

While that doesn't seem like much for one day it was plenty for my back. Ugg..
However I think I will sleep well tonight.

The progress:
So much better!

Damaged ceiling:

Next: Eric wants to see about insulating above the ceiling. That means cutting a few areas out that are bad and some access holes and spraying insulation! Yay for warm porch! We will then be figuring out what we are going to put up over what remains of the old ragged ceiling and get it hung and painted! Likely some bead board or some kind of paneling.. Cheap is the motto here!

Can't wait!

So far: $7 for spray paint (I'll show you what that is for later!)
**I'm not including the cost of the paint that was purchased last year.

Total: $7 and a sore back!

10.27.2010

Random number... 576

I love my husband...
I love my dogs...
I love my cats...
I love my family...
I love my friends...

...

But right now I'd rather get in my car
drive all day and all night
till i come to the end of the world
sit and stare at the edge watching the sea and the wind
fight it out
drive up till i get to the top and watch the trees wave to the birds
and stay there forever

...

but...
I love my husband,
I love my dogs,
I love my cats,
I love my family,
I love my friends,

so I stay right here.

9.28.2010

A very sweet Happy Birthday

Today my Rudy turns 11! She is the sweetest and most bestest dog! I'm so glad of that day I was taken to a barn to see the litter of puppies that were out there. My sweet Rudy with only a little nub of a tail and as cute as could be. I love her ever so and am sad to think that my years left with her may only be a few though I hope for forever.



To anyone reading.. I know I just got a puppy.. though perhaps he chose me as he just showed up one day at my house... but I just want you to consider, if you are thinking of adopting a dog.. consider the seniors. Those poor sweet old dogs that have no homes and may spend the rest of their years in cages at a shelter.. consider taking them home. Those sweet old dogs still have a lot of love to give.

I also want to share this..

author unknown

Here in this house…
I will never know the loneliness I hear in the barks of the other dogs “out there”.
I can sleep soundly, assured that when I wake my world will not have changed.
I will never know hunger, or the fear of not knowing if I’ll eat.
I will not shiver in the cold, or grow weary from the heat.
I will feel the sun’s heat, and the rain’s coolness, and be allowed to smell all that can reach my nose.
My fur will shine, and never be dirty or matted.

Here in this house…
There will be an effort to communicate with me on my level.
I will be talked to and even if I don’t understand, I can enjoy the warmth of the words.
I will be given a name so that I may know who I am among many.
My name will be used in joy, and I will love the sound of it!

Here in this house…
I will never be a substitute for anything I am not.
I will never be used to improve people’s images of themselves.
I will be loved because of who I am, not someone’s idea of who I should be.
I will never suffer for someone’s anger,impatience, or stupidity.
I will be taught all the things I need to know to be loved by all.
If I do not learn my lessons well, my teachers will blame themselves, not me.

Here in this house…
I can trust the arms that hold, hands that touch…knowing that, no matter what they do, they do it for the good of me.
If I am ill, I will be doctored.
If scared, I will be calmed.
If sad, I will be cheered.
No matter what I look like, I will be considered beautiful and known to be of value.
I will never be cast out because I am too old, too ill, or too unruly, or not cute enough.
My life is a responsibility, and not an afterthought.
I will learn that my humans can almost, sometimes, be as kind and as fair as dogs.

Here in this house…
I will belong.
I will be home.


Happy Birthday Rudy! Here's to another 11 years!

8.16.2010

8.16.10

i'm miserable.. that is where i am today.. i find myself sitting at my desk opening and closing windows on my computer over and over.. i'm not real sure what to do with myself at this moment. i'm a little lost but holding on.. knowing i can get over this.. but it's hard. i'm trying.. bare with me..

4.14.2010

an update..

Note: I Do Not.. Repeat.. Do Not have 21-hydroxylase deficiency!

Thank Gah!

moving on to the next step.. hormone pills & blood tests! ooooohh fun!

& drinking all the water at work.. cause that seems to help some of the women around here!

3.31.2010

New Music Tuesday

I purchased some new music on Tuesday.

Volume Two by She & Him
Loved Volume One and loving Volume Two

&

The Fall by Norah Jones
I've been touch and go with Norah Jones but I like the sound on this album.

What have you been listening to lately?

2.24.2010

happy-ness is...

NEW COOKWARE!!




1. Le Creuset 9" Stoneware that also came with a nice petite square dish!
** I now have 3 Le Creuset stoneware pieces and I LOVE them!

2. Prep bowls by Food Network

3. Farberware 10" and 8" Affiniti skillets

4. Food Network 5qt Enamel coated Cast Iron Dutch Oven (can't find a picture of this online. but it's red and pretty and heavy!)


Just a few things that make me happy and want to cook..

recent google searches....

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

Endocrinologist

Androgen's

Cortisol

21-hydroxylase deficiency

Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH)

Non-classical Adrenal Hyperplasia (NCAH)

-------------

This is my life right now. It's been confusing, maddening, scary, frustrating..

Nothing is yet confirmed.. we are in a holding pattern for a week or so.

these words just race through my head on a constant basis right now. If you see me staring at a wall wondering what I'm thinking, I am just running these words thorough my head over and over. they just won't leave me alone right now.

-------------

My husband probably won't be happy that I posted this but i needed to get it out. I needed to open it up to the universe so that I can hopefully let some of this frustration go.

Right now I am sitting at work reading the same website over and over.

I keep hoping this isn't something that I will have to take meds for the rest of my life for.. but that is a very real possibility.

I keep searching for homeopathic ways to treat.. came up with 0 so far. Not sure there is a way. I could just let it go but then the hopes of getting pregnant are slim to none.


This is where i'm at.. it sucks... and I wait.

2.17.2010

a mess i don't know how to clean up..

...then again i probably do.

ugg.. my life is a mess.. actually it's not my life so much as it is my house!! which then makes my life feel like a mess..

This place is a disaster. I'm really not sure what to do with it.

I want to simplify. I want to purge. I want to make this easier on myself. I want to walk into my house and feel relaxed not stressed about the mess.

I've been reading a couple of blogs lately about people simplifying their lives. out of necessity (saving money), out of just wanting to, out of the fact that they are about to embark on a year long journey in an RV. (now that really sounds fun) So they all have limited amounts of clothing and things. They choose the things that are necessary for day to day living and then a few things they just can't live without. all the other stuff .... they sell or give away.

To me that sounds liberating. just let a lot of it go. I want to do that! I don't know how to do that...

I don't think i could pair down my clothes to only one or two weeks worth. it would however make laundry easier. Eric and I did just go through all of our clothes and I now have 9 paper grocery bags of clothes sitting in my entry that we need to give away. I think all in all we did good there. but I still have a lot of clothes. Lets not even talk about shoes! Though i'm doing better. I did pair down because I found a laundry basket of shoes in the closet that I haven't even looked at for a year. I looked at them thinking.. oohh.. shoes... then said screw it.. and they are now in the pile to give away. I could probably even get rid of a few more... which i think i will probably do around summer.


we also recently went through all the books in the library. We pulled a lot that we don't want any more and we need to take them up to the half price book store and see how many they will take. The money we make off those will go toward a new mattress.


But it's really all the other stuff around the house... i look around and all i see is stuff i have to clean or dust. And if you know me.. i don't really do either of those things. ugg.. I don't mind cleaning but there is SO MUCH STUFF that I have to dust, vacuum, clean off, move and clean under.. blah.

I really want to just go room to room and just start tossing things. but i don't just want to toss them in the trash. though I'd do it just to get them out of my house!! But really... that isn't the best thing to do. But then I have all this crap sitting around my house in boxes, bags, piles that i need to give, sell, take somewhere.. and as I have mentioned before. LAZY...

Those bags of clothes.. they have already been there for almost a week. the books.. a couple of weeks. there is crap on the front porch that has been there for months that i need to give away.

a garage/yard sale is out of the questions (lazy). I have NO patients for them. Ebay.. yeah right. Eric is constantly talking about selling the crap we want to get rid of on ebay.. umm that was years ago. hasn't sold one thing on there yet! Actually have 3 boxes of Magic cards sitting right beside me now in the office that he needs to get rid of. ugg.. all that makes the dumpster look lovely. (but I won't do it)

Pairing down is such a hard thing to do for me with some things. I also think it is even harder for Eric. Though he is not as bad has his grandfather (thanks bob.. we still have some of your crap in our basement, and under the carport and floating around in our house) but he likes his stuff.

Another problem of ours.. mail.. oh the dreaded mail. if I ever don't make it into work someday it's probably because a pile of mail and papers of some sort have fallen on top of me an I am pinned under it.. probably dead by the shear mass of it all. I have gone to paperless billing on any of my bills that will let me.. so my contribution to this mess has dwindled.. but it still comes. and I try to throw things away.. it's the stuff we need to keep and organize that we have problems with. I probably already have a kid and just don't know it because it is shoved somewhere in one of the many stacks of papers we have around the house.


I have too much of everything.. to many dishes and silverware and tupperware.. it sure would make doing dishes easier if I didn't have all that crap! I would still definitely keep all my really nice stuff that I only get out on special occasions but really.. why do I need like 50 forks!!! that is insane! And because I hate doing dishes.. i will use ALL of them before I do dishes.. then it takes me a week to get caught up.. again INSANE!

simplify.. my home.. my life..

I really want to be able to buy the things I really like but not burden myself with the clutter. don't they always say less is more. everything in moderation..

granted I will never get rid of all my books.. i love books. I'd rather go down to 5... no 4.. maybe even 3 pairs of shoes before I got rid of my books.

I just need to figure out how i'm going to do it and how i'm going to convince my husband to go along with it when I say I want to get rid of the statues on top of the TV armoire. I think i will win on somethings.. and lose big time on others..

I want to try.. i need to. I need to lighten my load and my house. get my ass off the couch/computer chair and get to gettin.

wish me luck!

2.15.2010

I cooked!

Today I cooked! I haven't actually cooked for a while unless you call throwing a frozen pizza in the oven or a frozen burrito in the microwave. We haven't been eating out quite as often but still I haven't had the cooking bug. (i hate my kitchen.. but that's a story for another day)

So Eric and I had gone to one of our favorite restaurants, The Vineyards Restaurant, in Weston a few weeks ago and had this most wonderful appetizer that I still can't get over. It was a rice & sausage stuffed acorn squash. It was savory and sweet and absolutely to die for. The last time I ate there was this weekend for Valentines day.. and I exclaimed how I would totally make out with the cook (Love you Becky!!), the food is that good. I had duck for the first time and damn.. that is pretty much all i can say.. Oh-Ma-Gah! Go there, Eat! Anyway.. back to the acorn squash.

So I completely fell head over heals for this squash. So I talked to Becky/cook/co-owner/sweet friend about a few of the ingredients.. so I only remember a few but I had a basic idea because I really wanted to try and make it.. So tonight I winged it!

She used wild rice.. i used jasmine rice.
She used cranberry compote... i used crasins (dried cranberries) I'm lazy what can i say!
She also mentioned something about molasses.. i have that!
and maple syrup... i have some fat free stuff.. works for me but pure maple syrup is heaven but currently not in my pantry!
and sausage.. so I picked up some sage sausage.. thought it sounded good.

Here is an absolutely awful picture of my end result.

This is half of the squash as eric and i shared it for dinner..
It was GOOD! I did GOOD! Damn Look at me GO!!

So this is what I did.. and mind you I didn't measure anything..

Preheat oven to 400 degrees
Cut a small portion of the bottom of the acorn off so that it stands up straight on a pan.
Cut the cap off the top of the squash(keep) and spoon out all the seeds and stuff.. (I had to make eric smell the inside of the squash.. i love freshly cut squash.. smells delish!) Set aside.
In skillet brown a small portion of sausage.. i think i used about 1/4lb.. I was only making one squash and there was enough stuffing for two.. like i said i didn't measure anything.
Remove sausage from skillet into a bowl.
In same skillet i added just a bit of chicken broth to deglaze (you can use white wine but i didn't have any on me)
Add diced onions.. about 1/4 c. or however much you want. Cook till softened.
Add a handful of crazins or however many you want.
Add a some chopped walnuts.. yummy
Add rice.. i had steamed 1 cup dry rice.. about 3 cups after cooked while i was browning the sausage. ADD IT!
Then I added rosemary, thyme, more sage.. cause you really can never have enough sage! salt and pepper.
THEN.. i drizzled some molasses on top and then some of the syrup.
Mix'er up!
This is when you taste away.. check it out.. i had to add a bit more syrup and some salt. you want to get the sweet and savory at just the right level. YUM.
Take off heat. Grab a pan to cook your squash on. put a piece of parchment down, so it's easy cleanup!
Set your pretty squash on tray and drop a dollop of butter in the bottom of that sucker.
Fill up that squash with your rice mixture. Don't stuff it in there though.. just fill'er up and place that cute little top back on. Don't go for perfection or anything.. a little extra won't kill anyone! my cap did not fit back on perfectly..
Stick it in the oven for about 45 minutes or until you can stick it with a fork and it goes in easily.
I checked at 45 minutes and it was ready to come out.. but i burnt my hand like an idiot so it cooked about 5 minutes longer because I had to stick my hand under cold running water for a minute... anyway!
I pulled the squash out.. and it smelled sooo good.

I cut it down the center and split it with my husb... but not before I heated up more of the left over rice mixture and added it on top! Also.. scrap all that squashy goodness out of the cap because YUM!

and enjoy!

I sure did!

(sorry i don't have more pictures.. i took that ugly one with my phone. plus i wasn't sure how this would turn out. when i make again i'll post better pictures!)

1.25.2010

I am what I am...

I was reading Jewel's blog today (yes the singer Jewel) and she writes a bit about what I have been thinking about a lot recently. She even wrote a song about it.. imagine that..

Basically she talks about how we view ourselves. How we are what we are and how we try so hard to be what we aren't because we don't think we are good enough, strong enough or beautiful enough.

This is something I fight with myself and my emotions a lot with. I believe I am getting better and trying hard to keep from thinking that I'm not smart or beautiful enough. But it is hard. I believe I have done well surrounding myself with people that love me for who I am. They believe I am smart and beautiful. It's me I have a problem with. This person inside that just can't see what they see. I don't think I'm an idiot or am ugly.. i just don't see myself where I want to be. I don't see what my friends and family see.

I tell myself that I want to be liked for "who I am".... but who am I when I don't relax and just let it be.. let myself relax and like the things I like and dislike the things I dislike? I think as I have gotten older it has become much easier for me to realize who I am and to start to like myself. To not avoid mirrors because I don't like what I see. Slowly but surely I am looking in the mirror and seeing less faults and a beautiful woman appear. Someone who IS strong and who IS smart. To realize that it is OK to not have an opinion on something and that doesn't mean I'm not smart. It just means I don't have an opinion. It's ok to not know the proper word to get what I want to say across.. I can laugh at myself more. I can ask questions when I don't understand and not feel like the stupid girl. I can wear clothes that don't cover my knees because I thought they were ugly. I am becoming more comfortable with me.

The song Jewel wrote has a lot of meaning for me. I want that to be something I strive for.. to understand that I am what I am.. It's ok to be me.. And to see that I am good enough, strong enough, & beautiful enough.. For ME! It is important to believe those things about yourself.

Here are the Lyrics to her song:
WHAT YOU ARE (Jewel and Dave Berg)

I’M DRIVING AROUND TOWN
KINDA BORED WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN
I SEE A GIRL ON A BUS STOP BENCH
DRESSED TO DRAW ATTENTION
HOPING EVERYONE WILL STARE
IF SHE DON’T STAND OUT
SHE THINKS SHE’LL
DISAPPEAR
I WISH I COULD HOLD HER, TELL HER, SHOW HER
WHAT SHE WANTS IS ALREADY THERE

A STAR IS A STAR
IT
DOESN’T HAVE TO TRY TO SHINE
WATER WILL FALL
A BIRD JUST KNOWS HOW TO FLY
YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL A FLOWER HOW TO BLOOM
OR LIGHT HOW TO FILL UP A ROOM
YOU ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE - IS BEAUTIFUL

I HEARD A STORY THE OTHER DAY
TOOK PLACE AT THE LOCAL V.A.
A FATHER TALKING TO HIS DYING SON
THIS WAS HIS CONVERSATION:
IT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS
YOU CAN’T GO FIRST, I CAN'T HANDLE IT
THE BOY SAID DAD, NOW DON’T YOU CRY
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A CHILD WHAT YOU USED TO TELL ME
WHEN I’D ASK WHY, YOU’D SAY...

GRAVITY IS GRAVITY
IT
DOESN’T TRY TO PULL YOU DOWN
A STONE IS STONE
IT CAN’T HELP BUT HOLD IT’S GROUND
THE WIND JUST BLOWS THOUGH YOU CANNOT SEE
IT’S EVERYWHERE JUST LIKE I WILL ALWAYS BE
ALREADY ARE WHAT YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU ARE - IS STRONG ENOUGH

LOOK IN THE MIRROR
NOW THAT’S ANOTHER STORY TO TELL
I GIVE LOVE TO OTHERS
BUT I GIVE MYSELF HELL
I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF
IN EVERY SEED THERE’S A PERFECT PLAN
WHAT I HOPE TO BE I ALREADY AM


A FLOWER IS A FLOWER
IT
DOESN’T HAVE TO TRY TO BLOOM
LIGHT IS LIGHT
IT JUST KNOWS HOW TO FILL A ROOM
DARK IS DARK
SO THE STARS HAVE A PLACE TO SHINE
THE TIDE GOES OUT
SO IT CAN COME BACK ANOTHER TIME
GOODBYE MAKES HELLO SO SWEET
AND LOVE IS LOVE SO THAT IT CAN TEACH US
THAT WE ALREADY ARE WHAT WE ARE
AND WHAT WE ARE - IS BEAUTIFUL
AND STRONG ENOUGH
AND GOOD ENOUGH
AND BRIGHT ENOUGH....

1.19.2010

Ah Sheet

So I am an idiot. Here it is 10:30 at night and I just put a load of laundry in the wash. But it wasn't just any laundry. It was the sheets off my bed. It was so far beyond time to wash them.. I know.. you all don't want to hear about my dirty sheets and how long they were on my bed before I washed them, but they are my favorite sheets. I do have another set of sheets but I don't love them. So now I will be up waiting for those to finish in the wash then have to sit and wait for them to dry. So I seriously don't see me going to bed till after midnight tonight. So what better time than to write!
(bad.. in the few sentences i have already written there are 4 that start with So... I so seriously have a problem... So.... )

I have been meaning to buy some new sheets for my bed since I don't like the other set that I have. The fitted sheet doesn't stay on the mattress.. and it drives me nuts! But if I was to be honest, my favorite sheets don't stay on the mattress either, but they stay on better!! My favorite sheets are the kind that are nice and crisp and cool when you get into bed. They aren't scratchy or too stretchy. I know that sounds weird.. but have you ever had a set of sheets that after one night they seem too big for the bed and every time you make your bed you have to pull them on all sides and practically tuck a ton of extra sheet that you have NO idea where it has come from back under the mattress??!! I don't like stretchy sheets. Those jersey sheets, don't like... flannel, don't like.. too stretchy. They may be warm in the winter but I hate to have to make a bed with those kind of sheets on them.

Now my husband would probably agree I am crazy when it comes to making the bed. The odd part about that is... I don't make the bed in the morning even when I can. Most of the time the husb is still sleeping so I can't, but on those odd mornings when we get up around the same time I don't care so much about making the bed. I make the bed right before I get into it at night. I have to straighten everything about the bed. I can't sleep if there is a wrinkle in my bed. The husb comes in and will lie down and I throw a fit because I haven't made the bed yet. Seriously!!! How can you sleep in a bed that has wrinkles and the blanket on top is longer on one side than the other.. and really.. the edge of that fitted sheet isn't over the entire mattress corner! I will start to twitch when I can't make the bed before I get in. I will let the husb help me make the bed at night but it will result with me sighing a lot and pointing to the small wave that is still in the sheet that he hasn't pulled tight. Or how he hasn't pulled the top of the blanket up far enough or has pulled it up too far. It's a problem I know... He should know how to do it by now!! I've also showed him how to tuck in the corners on the top sheet so that it is nice and neat (thanks mom, that was all you! She even showed me how to properly fold a fitted sheet. I'm a pro!)

So I need to go buy a new set of sheets. I really think a person should have two sets of sheets for their bed. One just isn't enough.. or you end up like me waiting for your sheets to finish in the wash late at night (current time: 10:54 pm) so you can stay up even later and wait for them to dry. If you have a second set you can rip those nasty, stinky set of sheets off and just throw on a clean set and can be in bed reading the book you need to finish before your next book club by 10:30.. or heck even earlier.. or not. But to have more than 2 sets of sheets for one bed.. don't you think that is overkill? I would end up having 5 sets of sheets to wash because why wash that one you just took off if you have 4 more sets clean in the closet!? Now that would be a nightmare! I have a hard time getting off my lazy ass as it is to wash my clothes let alone 4 sets of dirty sheets! They would probably engulf me and my husband would have to live the rest of his life alone without a wife because she drowned in the sea of sheets in the basement. Poor guy.

ohh.. i think the washer is done.. off to put them in the dryer. mmm.... fresh sheets tonight. Even though it will be late, slipping into those will be heaven, too bad my man isn't home to share it with me tonight.

writing..

Is actually going to start writing again.. about what? I'm not sure.. but I am going to start.

but don't hold your breath.. It could be a day or so before I get something posted and I'd rather not have any of you pass out on me before you get to see my seriously non-interesting posts about pretty much nothing!

Can't wait!!