I wish..

I watched something tonight that made me think..
Dangerous I know..

Most people think, when they lose a loved one to sucide... I wish I could have said something that would have made them change their mind. I should have been there. I didn't do enough. If only I had... They would still be here.

I've been there, I've done that...
Tonight I watched something that made me change what I wished.  

My dad ended his life almost 14 years ago. And today I change what I wish.. I wish I had known that was our last goodbye. I would have talked longer, hugged you longer. I wish I had known that was the last time I could have asked for your advise. I would have asked you to show me how to repair more things and how to deal with situations I'm afraid of. I wish I could have held your hand, rough with the life you had lived and full of their own stories. I wish I could have laughed with you one more time and listened to more of the stories of your childhood and travels. I wish we had talked about books and I had made a list of all your favorites so I could read them after you are gone and always remember you in them. I wish I could have recorded your voice singing silly songs to play for my family and now my son. 

Yes.. Of course I wish you were still here but I know there is/was likely nothing I could have done to change your course.
But had I known what I know now.. I wish...