So I've been depressed for a while now. I just really don't know how to get out of this funk. I keep thinking that something needs to happen so I quit feeling like I'm being held underwater against my will.. not that I would want to be held underwater for any reason. just sayin..
Today I woke up with this pure hatred for Eric's computer. Why does his computer get so much of his time! I'm sure I'm overreacting.
I also am currently having issues with my job.. which I won't go into detail here as I just read about someone getting fired from their job due to it. But I'll tell you this.. right now I think work just really SUCKS!
Then there is this overwhelming sense that my life isn't where it should be right now. I'm supposed to be at home with my kid(s) taking care of my home and my husband and spending time with my family. And I feel so far away from that. Even though I don't have kids yet.. and I'm not married yet.. I still feel like being at work is making depressed. As I get older my days go by so much faster and I feel like there is so much that I am missing.. Time with Eric, time with my brothers and my nephew, time with my mom or with Eric's mom. This time that I am missing because I am at work scares me. I feel like it is all slipping through my fingers and it is time I'll never be able to get back. Memories that I should be making and cherishing and instead I'm sitting in a cube farm with people that either don't get me or don't respect me. I do respect many people here at work and their dedication to their job and what they do and I think that is great. I so used to be that person.. but these past few years that feeling in me has changed. I want to have the ability to clean my house when it is daylight outside. I don't want to spend my entire weekend working on my house and doing chores. My weekends are for me. They are my time to spend with Eric doing what ever we want to do even if that means sleeping till 2 in the afternoon and vegging on the couch all day, never once thinking about all the laundry that needs to be done. My house is in total chaos right now and that just makes all this worse. I just don't feel like I have time to keep up with it. I get up every morning and go to work from 8 to whenever they will let me out of here.. which is usually at or after 5. I then have a 30 (and sometimes more) drive home. I then figure out what I'm going to have for dinner eat and by then it is close to 8. Eric and I sit and talk or watch TV for a few before he has to get ready for work.. I then prepare his dinner and get it all packaged up and ready to go.. He leaves around 9:30 to go to work.. Then the day is done.. I usually have no energy to do anything around the house and go lie down in bed with a book or my laptop until I can't keep my head up any longer and the next day I do the same crap again.
I just feel that I should be doing so much more than sitting in my cube in the corporate world. I'm really ok with having a job but at the moment I can't take a pay cut so leaving is really out of the question until I sell my old house.
The problem is that I've lost all energy to try and make it better anymore. I just want something to happen and "Poof" it's all better. I know this is not how it works... but I can't seem to fix myself right now.. Let alone all this other crap.
I need a permanent vacation..