4.29.2008

Sick today

Today I am sick. Stuck at home sitting in the chair in the living room. Blowing my nose, sneezing, coughing, trying to rest and get better. Today I think.. Isn't life a funny tragic thing?! So my brother breaks up with his girlfriend. Sad yes.. but is it. They argue all the time. He always seemed unhappy in that relationship to me. So now it's over.. and I feel bad. Funny isn't it.. I hated them together and now that they are over I feel like crap over it. I hope it wasn't something that I said. And how unfair to him that I say this now, after the fact. I love him, probably more than he will ever realize. I want so much for him. I want happiness that comes easy. He has been through so much for a 21 year old. To lose his father at the fragile age of 15. He was such a young boy. Am I over protective.. yeah.. I can't seem to help it. Most people see it as nagging or picking on him. I'm sorry for that, I just can't seem to stop. Maybe I have no tact in telling him that I care and that I want the best for him and to give him advice or to tell him what I think of what is going on. I just hope that in the years to come that we can be close. That we can talk and be grown up together. I want to be able to call and have long conversations together and talk about life and jobs and kids. I want to have dinners where he and his kids and wife come over and we laugh and talk to the wee hours of the morning. I want our kids to get along and play together. I want that with both my brothers. But I especially want it with my little brother. Maybe because there was so much arguing when we were little. We didn't get along so much then. I heard that he felt more like he had two mothers and no sister. That made me sad. There is 8 years between us.. it's a hard gap to fill, but I think we can do it. Nick.. If you ever read this.. I love you.. - Big Sis

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